EFM and Preaching

It's hard to believe I'll be completing EFM in another month...4 years of once a week classes from Sept-June. I've truly enjoyed it, I've learned alot about my own personal theology, I've had my beliefs stretched, and I've gotten to know an amazing bunch of folks.

In a couple of weeks I'll preach my first sermon as a Postulant. It was hinted that I should share my story, so I will. I've now got 5 possible endings 3 of which I don't really like now. I've tweaked it through a 4th revision, and I think after I read it aloud tonight to my wife I'm going to leave it alone for a few days. Then I'll add the visual queues for pauses and emphasis. I really hope it doesn't stink and that it's better then okay. My wife thinks it's really good, but she loves me, though she would tell me if it was a stinker.

I was thinking of having my wife video record it, but that may make me to nervous for my first sermon. But, I have asked that she be ready to let me know how the delivery goes :)

Peace and Blessings

Moving Along

I let my workplace know I'd be leaving a couple weeks ago, and that went really well; It was a relief to tell them. We're still looking for rental housing, but I'm not too worried at least not yet ;)

I figure come the end of May is when my highly organized self will kick into high gear with my lists of utilities to contact here and there. Find new doctors, getting Cobra in place and finding a moving company and all other sorts of fun stuff that comes with moving.

Dare I say in some ways it hasn't sunk in yet, that in alittle over two months everything changes. But, I'm ready and I know my wife is ready, the kiddos are getting there and I think once Summer kicks in will be ready too.

Continued prayers for my wife finding a job. Job and house, and all the rest falls into place.


Easter Blessings!

Beautiful Spring Day

Some Songs Will Always Rock

I was reading one of the blogs I frequently visit and she was talking about the negative comments that come her way and how she had an epiphany about a perhaps Lenten way of dealing with these comments. So she posted new rules of dialog - and those who disagree with her points of view responded as usual, of which she shared two of these comments.

And it must made my head sink and that internal ugh to take place, that moment of why, why, why, and then this song popped into my head. It's by Kansas and it's called "Carry On My Wayword Son".

{Refrain
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

{Refrain

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

{Refrain
No!

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
The center lights around your vanity
But surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)

Visitor's Weekend

I had a good visitor's weekend at the seminary I've decided will be the place I want to be formed for my vocation.

I had thought I had worked through all the hurts, and I mostly have, but I realized I haven't completely owned my own story, that I was shy about it. That in some ways my heart had gotten all confused and worried about betrayal to places.

And as the weekend came to an end I realized how much I truly love and appreciate my Diocese and my Bishop. I realized that being at this particular seminary was going to require me to constantly out myself, that I would be one of a handful of seminarians openly gay (I was told currently there are 3; which left me wondering how many were closeted). And I had forgotten how exhausting that can be, I had forgotten what it was like to self-disclose and wonder at the reaction. I realized I'd go through another round of culture shock.


I know this is where I need to be, but I'm thankful for the realizations now and the time to sit with them.

Walking in the Snow

This Friday when we all got home from either school or work we all went (to include the dogs) on a beautiful walk. It was sunny and exceptionally warm, so we donned light layers and mud boots to traverse the deep ravines of melted snow. When we got to the bike path we hit deep snow that hasn't melted much, so we sank in, but we all had fun and our little dog showed no signs of quitting or distress. We came home tired but happy.

We repeated this walk Sunday afternoon, only now with heavier layers and snow boots, because the cold winds had returned. We'd walked to the pinnacle, enjoyed the view, and then started to head back. We decided to go down this steep trail, which for the kiddos and even the adults was the best part of the walk since it required sliding down on our butts. The trail was a glaze of ice, and none too friendly to the bum, but we all laughed and ouched our way down. And we came home tired but happy.

Breathing and Praying Through All the Unknowns

To say that my wife and I are a little stressed would be a very accurate statement. My wife has started her research and organizing what she finding so she can track where she can apply, when, and what all. But as a teacher most places don't start posting positions until May/June, and even into July. And then there's the whole need to worry about sexual orientation since it's the South we're planning to return to.

I really don't know what we'll do if she doesn't have a job. It scares the crap out of me, and her too. We're trying not to let the worry show around the kids and to only talk job search stuff in positive tones around them.
We're both having weird dreams fueled I imagine by internalized stress.

I try to remind myself that I've had this sense of God calling me to the priesthood, and I've always had a sense of the very big picture: Leave-be-come back, listen and follow and it'll all be okay. Not much of a road map, not much in the reassurance department; kinda like the company founded on the back of a napkin type of road map.
But, I'm scared and I really want my wife to find a good job, and to find one soon.

I'm worried too that we've gotten used to our sexual orientation not being an issue, but that's only been partly true of our time spent in the land of civil unions and civil marriage. We've also encountered out right homophobia amongst our neighbors, blatant actually whereas in the South it was shall we say more discreet.

I'm worried that my wife might bare the brunt of the homophobia amongst other seminarians or their spouses. I hold onto the time when we visited, and knew that there were those not so inclined to want my kind/our kind of being around, but that there were also those who were glad I/we wanted to be there. That both of us felt like this was where we belonged.

Just writing this post, I can feel the anxiety building, the deep breathes needed for calm, and keeping lunch down :)

Part of me feels guilty for doubting, part of me isn't sure how I'll respond if things aren't "and all shall be well." So, I'm praying and breathing and listening (or at least trying to listen through my anxiety). Yesterday, I was thinking about the sermon I'll be writing in mid-March and the tension began to leave my body and this sense of rightness began to fill me, and I sat with those emotions.

And all shall be well, and all shall be well.

Death, Hate, and a Response

I'm glad to see the Bishops of the Episcopal Church are beginning to respond to David Kato's death.


Statement on the murder of David Kato
The Right Reverend Thomas Clark Ely
February 1, 2011
           On January 26, David Kato, a leader in a support group for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered (LGBT) Ugandans was brutally murdered in his home in Mukono, Uganda. While police are treating the murder as the result of a robbery, Kato’s friends and associates, as well as supporters outside Uganda, believe the fatal beating was an act of hate likely inspired by the current anti-gay climate in Uganda. Kato, an Anglican, had received death threats, particularly since October 2010, when his picture appeared on the front page of a newspaper with the headline "100 Pictures of Uganda’s Top Homos Leak," and a banner reading "Hang Them."

           Vermont Episcopalians are fortunate to live in a state where our baptismal call to “respect the dignity of every human being” is reflected in our laws and, for the most part, in our social environment. In Uganda, on the other hand, one can be put in prison for life for being LGBT, and even more draconian legislation that would impose the death penalty has been proposed.

           Our good fortune could easily lead to complacency, but I believe it is instead a charge—almost a command—to stand in solidarity with those in Uganda and all parts of the world whose lives are endangered and diminished for who they are as LGBT human beings. It is a charge to speak out and call upon our political and religious leaders to do all in their power to bring an end to the climate of hate and fear that affects so many of our sisters and brothers around the world.

           Unfortunately, church leaders, including some in the Anglican Communion, have been complicit in creating that climate of hate and fear. I am grateful that others have spoken out in opposition. I join with them in an emphatic call for both church and society to respect the dignity of all God’s children. And, as Archbishop Desmond Tutu would say, ALL, ALL, ALL are God’s beloved.

           President Obama, Secretary of State Clinton, and many of the world’s political leaders have condemned Kato’s murder and the anti-gay climate in which it took place. Many have encouraged them to be sensitive to LGBT asylum seekers who attempt to enter the US. I support that effort.
           Responding to Kato’s murder, Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams said, "No one should have to live in such fear because of the bigotry of others…. This is a moment to take very serious stock and to address those attitudes of mind which endanger the lives of men and women belonging to sexual minorities."    

           Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori said Kato's murder "deprives his people of a significant and effective voice, and we pray that the world may learn from his gentle and quiet witness, and begin to receive a heart of flesh in place of a heart of stone. May he rest in peace, and may his work continue to bring justice and dignity for all God's children."

           Please join Bishop Katharine and me in praying for David Kato, for those living in fear because of who they are, and for a heart of flesh to take hold in those who would persecute their fellow children of God because of who they are drawn to love.

Vesting for Services

A couple Sundays ago my Pastor told me that I'll now need to vest for all of the services; we have 3 of them. So, this past Sunday I did. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. So I made sure to be in bed at a decent time; I had a light breakfast with a cup of coffee; and gave myself plenty of time to relax into my morning before needing to head off to church.

I vested as usual only now I sit in a different place then from when I was an EM, but I still chalice bare. I noticed that the sermon held me at all the same places each time, and how depending on which service it was there were slight changes. I found myself reminding myself of something I'll need to remember for myself, which was/is - this is the first time they're hearing this. Be available as though this isn't the second, third time around.

I enjoyed each coffee hour especially the "middle one" since I was able to eat some yogurt and have some juice, and I got to visit with those who stayed, then it was time to re-vest. The last coffee hour was nice since I got to see people I don't normally get to on Sundays.

I wondered how my energy would be, and it was good. I didn't feel exhausted or tired or cranky. I was a little hungry and thirsty so I'll have to figure that one out better. But, I did feel as though I was fully present and actually energized.

I'll meet soon with my Pastor to talk about when and how many sermons I'll give. This has me nervous :) because I want to give a really good sermon(s), and who wouldn't. I'm still trying to figure out how much of me goes in, how much commentary goes in, how much of a call to action/re-action goes in...and will it be good enough to stick for longer then it takes to get to the car door.

Feeling a little scared

The last 4 or so years have been about discernment and becoming a Postulant. And now that this phase of discernment is complete, and I begin to plan for seminary, I've gotten a bit scared. I don't doubt my call, I doubt my pocketbook. I'm scared that my wife won't be able to find a good paying job, I'm scared about the gap we'll have in finances even if (nope, positive intentions, faith, trust) even with her good paying job there'll be a gap.

My wife is and continues to be awesome and reassuring that everything will work out. She reminds me that we were scared to leave before and a bit scared when we got here. But it's all worked out, we'll be okay.

It's hard to believe that in 6 months I won't be here; a here that's been a struggle but is home. A here that I may return to in 3 years; I think I keep learning that my life will never be full of certainties, not like before, no that's not completely correct. My life has many beautiful certainties: my wife and her love and my love for her, my children and their love and the love I have for them, my friends and the love we have for each other, my God and the love we have for each other. I am certain I have love in my life, it's all the other stuff that's less so.

And the results are positive

I am officially a Postulant! Time to get the applications to seminary ready :)

One more day

My kiddos heard my pastor ask how I was holding up with the waiting. Later that evening the kiddos told me not to worry Mama, you'll get to be a priest. I wasn't sure what to say other then to thank them for their love and support.

Is it tomorrow yet :)

She's going to the COM

I'll be going to the COM this weekend! I'll get the results late the following week possibly early of the week after that one.

I am so very excited :)

Falling into place

My report arrived late last week - woohoo! So, I get to keep my appointment with the Bishop this week, and I'll know if (a) the COM is still meeting in January and (b) if 'a' is yes, if I get to go to the COM, which at this point I'm assuming will be a yes, cause there's nothing to indicate otherwise.

I've managed to stick to 4-5 walking workouts a week, and I'll bump up from 2 miles to 2.5 next Monday. The kiddos and I have done yoga together 3 nights a week so far, and that seems like it'll be doable. The real test will be this week since we return to our typical schedules. But, I was thinking the kiddos could do yoga without me and then after walking and before bed the Wife and I could do yoga together. We shall see.

I've set some goals for myself, but I'm going to need to watch fewer movies :) The Wife and I love movies, and we've been watching quite a few over the holidays but it's starting to get in the way of other things, like reading, Spanish (Greek again soon), and crocheting :)

Meditation and Yoga

Sometimes we need to be hit with foam bricks :)  Yesterday the family and I went to the library to return books before they became overdue. Our typical library trip has the kiddos in the Children's section of the library which is absolutely fantastic; Wife lingers with the kiddos and I go and wander through the CD section or the non-fiction floor. Instead I decided to look at the DVD selections and found 2 yoga dvds that I was planning on buying but thought hey I can try them out first.

Sweat Pea wanted to do the dvds right away, but I wanted to do my walking video first then use the yoga video to unwind before they went to bed; after a bit of oh pleases she agreed to wait. Sonshine wanted to wait as well, and I was surprised that he wanted to do the yoga with us, but pleased.

Sweat Pea and I have lots of things we like to do in common, things where we interact directly with each other and things we do near one another, wanting each others company but not each other's direct interaction. Sonshine needs lots of direct interaction and doesn't do well with doing things on his own.

However, Sonshine really enjoys meditation and will meditate on his own at bedtime even if we can't meditate together, and he really seemed to enjoy the yoga. We both needed to stop at the same time; I worry that's he's gotten pudgy and out of shape, and the yoga will be a nice way to build flexibility and strength in his body. Sweat Pea was able to do all the poses pretty easily and could have kept going :) She's super strong and flexible and loves showing us all these poses she makes up.

I'm really happy that Sonshine and I have found something other then video games to connect around, something that's spiritual and good for us both. And there's an energy we can share in these activities together that's really beautiful.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I hope y'all have joyous and festive holidays, and a brilliant new year! I'm excited for the holidays and for the new year, as I will either earlier in the year have a final answer or later in the year have that final answer.

I received my draft report and it is a wonderful report and recommendation with only one detail needing correction. So I gave the counselor that detail and sent my release, so now I wait until the new year to see if the official version makes it to the Diocese in time. It should as long as the report is mailed before or on the 29th. And if perchance it doesn't, I have a back-up plan that may or may not be acceptable, which would be to ask if the draft could be used in place of the official. So I wait in my advent and hope for an epiphany :)

To know where I'll be, to be able to tell my children where they'll be by mid-January - there is no better gift then this, no better way to start off my new year.

Metal Fatigue

This text comes from Wikipedia for Fatigue (metal):

In materials science, fatigue is the progressive and localized structural damage that occurs when a material is subjected to cyclic loading. The nominal maximum stress values are less than the ultimate tensile stress limit, and may be below the yield stress limit of the material.

Fatigue occurs when a material is subjected to repeated loading and unloading. If the loads are above a certain threshold, microscopic cracks will begin to form at the surface. Eventually a crack will reach a critical size, and the structure will suddenly fracture. The shape of the structure will significantly affect the fatigue life; square holes or sharp corners will lead to elevated local stresses where fatigue cracks can initiate. Round holes and smooth transitions or fillets are therefore important to increase the fatigue strength of the structure.

Q: What stands out for you in this text?
A: The shape of the structure will significantly affect the fatigue life.

Q: Why are you reading about metal fatigue?
A: I thought it a lovely play on words of a sort, mental fatigue, and I became curious about how closely metal and mental fatigue would coincide.

Q: Are you worried about metal fatigue?
A: Ah, no. I watched "The Princess Bride" with my family Friday night (it's our family movie night), and there's this scene where Westley is being tortured on this machine that suctions the life out of you. And sometimes this is what this process feels like, at times the process takes more then it returns; it fatigues.

Q: The shape of the structure will significantly affect the fatigue life. Are you worried about your shape?
A: Sometimes. "Round holes and smooth transitions or fillets are therefore important to increase the fatigue strength of the structure." What are my round holes and smooth transitions? Prayer, meditation, exercise...and what have I been neglecting...yeah, the things that strengthen.

Q: One last question. You talk sometimes about "the train arriving at the station," what does the landscape of your train look like?
A: Prairies and mountains, and it's summertime, with wide open blue skies and the smell of warm earth filling the air. The wind blows through my hair and my body is strong. There's a stool to sit on, and I can lean my head back when I meditate or pray. It's beautiful and I feel good.

Beautifully Done

I first saw this on Uncloseted Pastor's blog, and want to share it here:

Weather and lots of talking

I drove in the night before, because "the office" is too far away to attempt the drive first thing in the wee morning hours and traffic would be too heavy. But, wow was the weather horrid. There were times when I was doing 40mph and had a death grip on the steering wheel. My 4 hour drive took, about 6 hours. Then the hotel errored, but thankfully was able to correct my reservations, else I'd of been looking for a new hotel that night. But the other two days the weather was wonderful.

My family came with me and they did touristy things each day and had a blast. We don't expect to be in that area again for quite a long time, so this was their opportunity to see more of the U.S.

Both of my days at "the office" were really good. The two people I needed to interact with were surprised and pleased at my ability to be forthright and open. Their comment surprised me cause I thought wouldn't everybody be that way. But, apparently they often have to pull-teeth or dig to see what people are hiding. And because I was very open, and because all of my tests indicate consistently normal and healthy I (hence we) got to leave early. And since everything went so well I should barring some oddity have my report before Christmas! I hope so because the Diocese is closed from Christmas until the New Year.

No surprises in that I do indeed know myself well, and the tests indicate that I'm well suited for ministry :) But, I'm hoping to not have to take that many tests to evaluate "me" for a very long time. So, now I wait. I'm getting so much better at waiting, even though that's not my nature ;)

Paperwork and reading

I've finished all my paperwork, it's been emailed and handed in as appropriate. I didn't discover anything new about myself, which was reassuring and disappointing too. I've known myself pretty well for a long time now. It's one of the things I really like about St. Benedictine's rule of life, about time to think, about reading, about prayer, about aging. I wonder if the folks who write the report will reflect things back to me that I didn't catch in my own reflective light of the mirror. In about 2 weeks I'll head out of town for the second half, more papers to fill out and I imagine one-on-one talking time.

I've been penciled into the Bishop's early 2011 schedule, assuming the report results get to him in time, then with one day to spare the COM meets. I might be there, won't know until well the day before. I hope so, as I know y'all can imagine, just how much I hope so.

I told a fellow discerner, my train is nearing the end of the tunnel, I can see the light and traces of the station. And as I shared with a different discerner, my coracle is getting ever closer to land, just waiting for the tide to bring me in now.

I'm ready for the next Chapter, but then I need to keep reminding myself this Chapter hasn't quite finished yet, stay present, stay focused.

The Bishop suggested an emergent church book for me to read. It's good but it's not the language that speaks to my heart, so I'm very ready to get to the end of it. I am however, reading some awesome books: Encouraging the Heart (a leadership book), and The Wisdom Jesus. I'm also skimming through my emergent church books, to keep that verbiage fresh in my vocabulary.

After my evaluation visit, I'll put a strong focus on out-loud articulating of why this and not that, what does xyz mean to me, who is x to me, what do I feel etc. to. My practice opus is getting longer; it's my placeholder of thoughts already articulated, now penciled all over with changes and additions.

And just in case: A early Happy Thanksgiving to you all and safe travels.