Thursday, October 28, 2010

And she's off to the next step

My meeting went very well, and I got permission to move onto the next step which is the career and pysch eval. I was talking with my cousin and she laughed at me, she said you realize it's kinda weird to be so excited about getting a psych eval.

If the report gets compiled and to the Bishop in time, and we can meet in time, then I might just make it to the January COM which would be awesome!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Meet with Bishop and a Nice Surprise

So I'll start with the surprise. I had a perio cleaning this morning and right from there a PT appointment. And somewhere within that time my wife came by and left me a wonderful card and two little gifts. I was sorry to have missed her but I still very touched.

I meet with the Bishop this Wednesday. I knew I'd be nervous, but I didn't anticipate the level of nerves that would kick in and they kicked in about a week ago. I'm closer to being more me, and more me before a big next step moment. I decided to take most of the afternoon off. I was worried that with the pace at work something would come up and I wouldn't have enough time to mentally compose myself between the drive from work to the Diocesan offices.

I plan to say some prayers and just talk out loud to myself and center. I only iron for big occasions, so I'll iron the night before, and stay as neat as one can after putting on a coat and driving in your car; however, I don't want to look too pressed because that's not me either.

I keep reminding myself of what I've told myself from the beginning: I have to be me, they have to love me for me cause that's all I've got and that's who God called. Not some version of me I think maybe I should contort myself into.

So my hope for myself at my meeting is that I'm my articulate self, that who I am shines through any nerves I may have and that I settle into the conversation with ease.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Thankfulness and Frustration

Into the morning chill
dog and I went
both of us noses buried downward.
Crisp air slightly stinging
then I looked up
not many stars but those that were
were brilliant.

I'd been doing quite well actually with letting timelines go, then...well, life intervenes and questions get asked. Sonshine asked me if he'd be going to middle school here in the land of snow. It hurt to tell him that I didn't know, that I would give so to be able to tell him; especially knowing how much uncertainty makes him anxious. I'm trying to let go of my frustration around this part of the process, this part drives me to hair pulling at times. If I'm ever a priest and if I ever get any say in how the discernment process will work, timelines will be allowed.

Friday, October 08, 2010

Dreams and Nerves

Strange dreams as the weather begins to change.

As y'all know I was in the military a long long time ago. I've never once had dreams about being in the military until very recently. I dreamt I was on a ridge line with another officer and we're firing our rifles down at insurgents. Then the dream cuts to a group of insurgents who have a plan to take us out, then the dream returns to me (though I look nothing like me) and the other officer and we thwart the plan. Then my rifle cartridge is empty, only I can't seem to find my ammunition, and instead I begin to pour water from my canteen into the place the cartridge would go. And I'm wondering when the other guy is going to notice and what is he going to think, only I can't seem to stop pouring the water into my weapon. Then I awaken.

I rarely dream about my dad, maybe once every few years or more...the dream is where my dad is telling me not to tell the commission that I'm really good at all this stuff, because they'll think I'm arrogant and I'll blow my opportunity to be a priest. Then the alarm went off.

Neither of these dreams was pleasant, and I haven't spent much time thinking about them. They just make me nervous.

As I get closer to my meeting with the Bishop, I get more nervous. I'm biggest fear during this whole process has been that I'll get tongue tied or go blank. I need to start practicing answering questions he'll most likely ask, not to have the right answer, but so that I know an answer will come out, and that it'll be a decently formulated thought (at least that's my hope). And I've been periodically rereading my packet so that is fresh in my head. Anyways blessings.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Wounded Sides

Susan Russell over at her "Inch at a Time" blog summed up my own frustrations about ++Rowan William's latest statements about homosexuals. Apparently homosexuals are a wound in the side of the Church; however, if you pledge celibacy then he might consider you for the episcopate.

There's the link:
Headline was Archbishop of Canterbury