Thursday, February 10, 2011

Breathing and Praying Through All the Unknowns

To say that my wife and I are a little stressed would be a very accurate statement. My wife has started her research and organizing what she finding so she can track where she can apply, when, and what all. But as a teacher most places don't start posting positions until May/June, and even into July. And then there's the whole need to worry about sexual orientation since it's the South we're planning to return to.

I really don't know what we'll do if she doesn't have a job. It scares the crap out of me, and her too. We're trying not to let the worry show around the kids and to only talk job search stuff in positive tones around them.
We're both having weird dreams fueled I imagine by internalized stress.

I try to remind myself that I've had this sense of God calling me to the priesthood, and I've always had a sense of the very big picture: Leave-be-come back, listen and follow and it'll all be okay. Not much of a road map, not much in the reassurance department; kinda like the company founded on the back of a napkin type of road map.
But, I'm scared and I really want my wife to find a good job, and to find one soon.

I'm worried too that we've gotten used to our sexual orientation not being an issue, but that's only been partly true of our time spent in the land of civil unions and civil marriage. We've also encountered out right homophobia amongst our neighbors, blatant actually whereas in the South it was shall we say more discreet.

I'm worried that my wife might bare the brunt of the homophobia amongst other seminarians or their spouses. I hold onto the time when we visited, and knew that there were those not so inclined to want my kind/our kind of being around, but that there were also those who were glad I/we wanted to be there. That both of us felt like this was where we belonged.

Just writing this post, I can feel the anxiety building, the deep breathes needed for calm, and keeping lunch down :)

Part of me feels guilty for doubting, part of me isn't sure how I'll respond if things aren't "and all shall be well." So, I'm praying and breathing and listening (or at least trying to listen through my anxiety). Yesterday, I was thinking about the sermon I'll be writing in mid-March and the tension began to leave my body and this sense of rightness began to fill me, and I sat with those emotions.

And all shall be well, and all shall be well.


San said...

Praying and breathing and listening...those are good things to do. And thinking about that future sermon fills you with a sense of rightness. That sounds like an answered prayer. In my book anyway.

jsd said...

San: Indeed :) It's easy to get lost in worry, and not very productive.

Angela T-L said...

You and your family have been on my mind again. I know I haven't e-mailed you back (I am sorry) but I think and pray for you guys often. Hopefully tonight I can finally respond :) I know it's hard to believe and feel it sometimes through our humanity, but just as I tell F, "You are exactly where God wants you to be. And he always is present, we just have to listen and be still." Your worries and fears are real - it's definitely hard to be up there in the front line. Just keep the faith, keep God close and continue to be the best family you can be. People (whether or not they are initially accepting) see that and are touched by it.

jsd said...

Angela: thank you for the words of encouragement! I hope you and yours are doing awesome!