Friday, March 11, 2011

Visitor's Weekend

I had a good visitor's weekend at the seminary I've decided will be the place I want to be formed for my vocation.

I had thought I had worked through all the hurts, and I mostly have, but I realized I haven't completely owned my own story, that I was shy about it. That in some ways my heart had gotten all confused and worried about betrayal to places.

And as the weekend came to an end I realized how much I truly love and appreciate my Diocese and my Bishop. I realized that being at this particular seminary was going to require me to constantly out myself, that I would be one of a handful of seminarians openly gay (I was told currently there are 3; which left me wondering how many were closeted). And I had forgotten how exhausting that can be, I had forgotten what it was like to self-disclose and wonder at the reaction. I realized I'd go through another round of culture shock.

I know this is where I need to be, but I'm thankful for the realizations now and the time to sit with them.


San said...

Completely owning one's story--a difficult task. "Constantly outing oneself"--yes, that sounds exhausting. But I know you're up for it. And I'm glad your visitor's weekend was good.

How wonderful you've made such strong realizations. Having something settled and definite forms a reliable foundation for whatever you build.

Lee said...

Wow JS! Does that mean you were in TX this past weekend? If so, cool! I remember you when I first met you in the life group at Rec. Do you remember the talk about yourself you gave to us? That was when I knew that God had brought you into my life to show me some ways I hadn't seen before. You glowed!


Cecilia said...

I have found that I have to come out over and over.

It gets easier.

Wishing you blessings and joy!

jsd said...

San: Thank you :) I hadn't expected to be shy since I hadn't been shy about my story during this process, so I caught myself off guard.

Lee: I was in TX this past weekend :) Listening to you describe my story, I wish now that I could remember now. And I wish I could say that I glowed this past weekend...I don't think I did. And I have to let that go too. Because next time I will own my story without the shyness.

Cecilia: Thank You. After 3 years of not outing myself per se, my bicycle has gotten rusty :) Just need to break out the WD-40.