It's been a long while

Here's alot that's happened since my arrival at seminary, and my first semester is very nearly completed. I've had some positive experiences, but there's been one looming negative experience that has yet to resolve itself; so until then, I'll leave the "big bad" unspoken.

I've met some wonderful people. I've learned alot, but not nearly as much as I had hoped for; I'm hoping next semester will be different. I've realized that at least for my first year of seminary, I'm very well-formed. I'm looking forward to CPE in the summer where I'll be stretched and stretched since I'll be at a Level I trauma hospital. I'm looking forward to the elective I signed up for because I think I finally get the academic challenge I had hoped for.

I hope y'all had a blessed Thanksgiving, and that Advent brings light and hope to you.

In town and settling in

We had a really nice visit with my wife's family. It was really hard to leave; even our dogs thought that we were home. It was hard to leave the love and safety of my in-laws home.

We've been at our new home a week now, and are as unpacked as we're going to get for now. All that's left are a few boxes of books and the games need to be put away. A friend of ours from New England asked if the house felt like our last home. It doesn't, at least not yet. It's this cross between our first home in New England and our 2nd hell house. Maybe because the house needs alot of love and it took about 12 hours of cleaning the first two days here for us to all feel comfortable. Our pictures have covered most of the ugh spots on the walls, but the whole house needs a good painting. However, the neighborhood is really quiet, and I've come to love hearing the nighttime freight train go by just before the kiddos bedtime; they seem to enjoy it too.

I think of us all my wife is the happiest to be back. I'm still not convinced all shall be well. I applied at two places yesterday, but will start the job search in earnest in the evenings the week my orientation begins. Maybe I'll feel more hopeful after the Financial Aid orientation session.

Leaving Soon

I and my family leave very soon for seminary. I had thought the "hard part" was the long discernment process. I had thought this part would be easier...hmmm, lessons all around us.

My vision of seminary did not include 25-30 hours of part-time work, and a work study. And there's still a chance this won't be my future, that the vision of 2 work studies or 15 hours PT work and 1 work study will be my future.

I've grappled with my anger and my guilt; I've reminded myself that no matter which future comes to pass it's how I walk it that matters, how I let it shape me that matters. I keep reminding myself to believe that it's all going to be okay. Give miracles a chance to happen.

I keep praying that my wife is able to get a job by August - mid-August, and that it has health benefits and meets or exceeds our "magic" budget needs number.

I'm glad I've been able to pray; I'd started shutting down; as always, I'm ever grateful for the Psalms those laments that voice hopelessness and end with light cracking through.

11 days...and new chapters begin.

Piaggio MP3 400

Can we say - way cool!! One day maybe I'll own a super cool scooter like this one! I almost bought a Harley Davidson when I was stationed in Korea. They had this deal were you could pick out your bike and then when your tour was over, and you arrived at your next duty station so too would your bike. But, I chickened out - because I found out where my next duty station would be and because I don't know how to ride one (which was/is easily remedied). I still kinda regret not getting the Roadster.

My wife is pretty anti-motorcycle mostly because she worried I'd get hit by a texting teenager driving too fast. But, perhaps Scooter doesn't create the same images of me as road-meat that Motorcycle does. And maybe in 5-6 years we'd financially be in a place where I could get a way cool Piaggio three-wheeled scooter.

Check it out if you're curious: http://www.piaggiousa.com/scooters.html#!s=overview/mp3-400.

Roundabouts

I watched "Enlighten Up!" today; it's a documentary about a young man who is a yoga newbie and a woman documentary maker who is not a yoga newbie - it is a story about seeking. I don't remember which guru the young man was talking with, but he asked about how does one obtain happiness. The reply was, Be yourself. Be your true self. Try to get rid of what you are not, get rid of the things that unnecessarily wearing on yourself. Happiness is not outside. Happiness within ourselves. And  later the guru said to the young man, you will have to question yourself; where is, where can we get that happiness.

Later in the morning I opened up my book, and Chapter 7 begins with "...the Hebrew phrase translated "straight paths" actually says something more complex and more interesting then the translation would convey. It literally means "roundabout ways that end up in the right direction."

And I've been thinking lately about the phrase "fake it until you make it" and practice praying, pray the confusion, the hurt, the fear, the worries, the thankfulness, the love, pray even when you doubt, maybe especially when in doubt.

I don't know if I'll ever become the priest I hope to be; I don't know what my future will bring; I know what my hopes are for my children, my wife, myself, my world. I don't know the end results of these hopes, but I do know that if I don't live into them then the possibilities for amazing will pass me by.

Many of the guru's spoke of practice and time, the northern Indian guru's spoke of loving God, you don't need to become a pretzel to find what you seek, but you need to love in order to find.

The young man needed tangible proof, tangible results in order to believe in transformation through yoga, he needed this perhaps faster then yoga could provide, the woman needed the young man to believe that yoga would lead to enlightenment, looking vicariously through the lens of another to find her own seeking heart.

I often feel guilty for wanting God to provide tangible proof, for needing this...then I get torn by Jesus' words to ask and you shall receive. It is my hope that my "roundabout ways" end me up in the right direction.

Scared but hopeful

It's been a couple of really emotional weeks. I was so distracted at the Sunday service, my body was there but not much else. I had hoped for solace, but instead left feeling like I was failing, have failed. I've taken big leaps in my life, but they've been planned and well organized. This leap, oh this leap has so much faith wrapped up into it. Because as of right now, all I know is that I'll be leaving with my family mid-July. I know where we'll be during our 3-nights/4-days of driving. I know where we'll be for a week after that. I know when school starts.

I've never not known where I would be working or where I would be living. But there's been glimmers of hope. And then there's myself and how I respond to all of this. So, I'm going to quit beating myself up for being scared, and for the tears. But I'm also going to allow myself to feel hopeful and faithful and not let the darker negative feelings have my ear all day making me feel like an idiot.

I'm going to read a book given to me as a Christmas present, "The Lord is My Sheppard" by Harold S. Kushner; I'm going to keep reading Martin Luther King; I'm going to keep praying even when I feel like I'm faking it. I will let light back into my heart. I will continue to believe until I'm proven wrong.

This is gonna hurt like...

Well, I found out how much aid I can get from the seminary...not much. If the wife is able to find a job, and I can get part-time work, and we have a little leftover from the move, and we take out a very small personal loan, and we get food stamps, and rent is less then $1100, and we are able to get some outside help...then we can eek by our first year.

Not at all certain how to make the 2nd and 3rd year work out, but shoot that's definitely putting the cart before the dying horse.

"School Certified" are magical words, cause if they're not then no private student loans for you -- you are denied. FASFA bah, who needs fasfa. We want to force you to get creative. I have discovered the cliff of my financial creativity.

So we head out soon into a very scary world of unknowing and ambiguity, hoping and praying to God that I'm not and have not brought my family to the edge of a well (reference to story about monks and brother monks).