Discovering Things

We went on two drives with the grandparents this weekend; one took us up to Smuggler's Notch and the other to a small town about an 1.5 hours away. The leaves are definitely at their peak, and hopefully a few will hang around for when the other grandparent comes into town this coming weekend.

I'm hoping most of the pictures I took turn out. We "shot some video" but I haven't had a chance to look through it. Lots of pics (or so it seems) of water and bridges, a few farmland scenes. The wife thinks I should check out some of the smallesque local galleries (she has two in mind) to see what you have to do to show your work. I'm alittle less (ok a lot less) optimistic then she is because, well, I'm not known at all in/within the local art scene, I don't have a 'body of work' that ties to a whole. I have lots of photos of nature or people, and sometimes the two collide in a good way. I think I've come to realize that I probably have 'an eye' for photography, and a piece of me would be thrilled and honored to show my photographs. But, for now my gallery will continue to be the walls of my home...and just maybe...the really good ones will go out as gifts this year.

I have spurts of time when I realize that if the call as I feel it to be isn't affirmed then that will be ok - that I will be ok - it will not be the end of the world...just the end of a journey. There is so much waiting in this journey, so much beyond my control, so very many different people will play and have played major roles in deciding my future. Sometimes it feels like I'm holding an icicle in 90 degree heat and being told to not let it melt. In the reading I've done about people who have gone through this process or those who write about how the process should somehow change all ask in the end what kind of person endures this. Because even if you become a Postulant, nothing is certain until you finally get ordained which can be in total anywhere from 5-6 years [discerning (2-3 yrs)/ seminary (3 yrs)/ transitional deacon (6months)/ ordination] - assuming you aren't gay or lesbian in a non-inclusive diocese. I suppose there are plusses and minuses as in all things.

Plusses/Minusses (you decide which is which):
- you're either insane or pretty darn sure you and God are on the same page...trust me I'm not insane :).
- you have many opportunities to test your own inner call and then within community in an authentic manner.
- you have plenty of time to doubt and cry and wonder at your own insanity (oops - that's right I'm not insane) at why anyone would put themselves through this. The closest analogy I have is that it's a bit like when you decide to join the military and then you go through boot camp and come out a different person for it.
- After discernment, either way - you finally know, and can finally move on/in to the next part of the journey.
- Living in constant ambiguity, and in some ways we are all always living with this; the constant letting go.
- Other people control your fate, and this is all done within a group where you've been asked to expose deep parts of yourself...and then knowing there's that chance you will be rejected.

There's more but, I'm done, I've exhausted my list for now. I'm reading a book by Kushner based on the life of Moses. About having dreams crushed, about life not turning out as you had planned, and how will you choose to respond when life deals you these opportunities.

Leo Wants You to Vote

This is a really good Voting PSA. Here's the link: http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-us&from=MSNHP, then select "Leo want you to vote".

Musings

If my wardrobe spoke it said for months blue
Now some days it speaks of red over top underneath yellow or orange

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If I could change the world I would start with I
If I could give you everything I would start with myself

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If I could get lost in the laughter of myself
Would it take me to the center of God

There's things and there's things

My secular world is still stressful. The wife and I spoke with our children's principal - apparently there's a particular group of boys who single out one or two kids each school year to bully, and for whatever reason they've choosen our son. I don't really want to talk about it more then that, other then to say so far so good.

I've been sick, so I haven't put my extra hours in this week - but my body is thankful for the break.

My church world is flourishing. I have some "show myself off points" coming up - I give my first greeter training in a few weeks. Then towards the end of October I'll teach my first ever Sunday school class; the last part of a 3 part class. At least I hope these will be "show myself off points". Prayers that I'm not a complete idiot in front of my fellow congregants.

On a car pool ride to a training (2-ish hours away) I needed to take as did this person; I discovered that they too are discerning for ordained ministry so it was really nice to talk to someone who is within this same sort of space.

I know I passed initial unspoken muster...so, here's to one day each day many steps towards...the just maybe; and that my secular world will become safe and less turbulent.

Surly - The word of the day

Disclaimer: don't read if you don't want to hear about someone struggling with class prejudice.

I just signed up yesterday for Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day...and it's poetic that the first word I get describes my mood right now:

surly (adj): 1 : menacing or threatening in appearance. *2 : irritably sullen and churlish in mood or manner : crabbed.

I am feeling definition #2 - churlish, crabbed. I'm struggling with my feelings about my neighborhood, the children in this neighborhood (and hence within the school), the children's parents or lack thereof, and Burlington liberal bullshitters.

Burlington has a beautiful veneer that hides the rot underneath. Yesterday the kids were out front playing with their basketball, my son came in to get something and then went right back out. In that short span of time, two boys walk by and ask my daughter for her to give them the basketball. She told them no, and luckily they left her alone. And on top of that, a boy at after-school care punches my son, and he reacts - but do the people watching over them see the first incident - no, of course not - they see my son react. I walk up to hear some guy talking shittily to my son - and come to find out he's a teacher at the school. This guy did apologize to me - not to both me and my son though, it still has me pissed off.

We need to move - but we can't afford any of the other places, and the ones we can afford are just tiny crap boxes.

I keep thinking that perhaps God is challenging my own liberal beliefs. Can I walk my own talk, can I see beyond the stereotypes so beautifully choreographed in my daily living? Can I love these people? And I have to be honest - not yet. I just can't seem to like let alone love people, be they adults or kids, who fuck with my family.

I'm just not used to living in a space where people really don't care about one another, they don't look out for each other...I don't want to embrace this culture - I miss San Antonio. I never felt unsafe in SA, but the wife and I don't feel safe here.

And I think I'm most upset, because I'm worried about what affect this place will have on my kids (on me). My daughter already modeled some of my words spoken in anger about the people who stole their soccer ball right in front of them - those people are assholes. So the daughter used that same word on the two boys that tried to take her brother's basketball on them - and she even did so with smarts...she waited until they couldn't hear her. I'm worrying about my own modeling of my(re)actions.

So, I've had to remind my children (which isn't a bad thing - just makes me sad) what to do when someone is doing something they don't like; what to do if they're being hurt.

We've had to talk about the demographics of our neighborhood and what it means to live in a poor neighborhood where parents and kids don't respect other people and things. That just because we see these things and these types of behavior does not make it ok.

I wonder at what my kids think about all the talking they've been doing in school (weeks of this now) about being good citizens and community builders. Cause what's being talked about is not being modeled in most homes, nor apparently by the teachers who teach it.

I keep wondering why I seem to only get a small amount of time to live in the moments here that feel good. Like I'm not allowed to get comfortable, maybe there's something I'm being pushed towards that I wouldn't seek out otherwise.

And then I start asking myself if I can really do 2 years of this when it's only been 4 months. My God, what if somehow it extends out past 2 years? Is the price I'm asking them to pay, for me to pursue my calling not selfish? Is this fair? Is it worth it? I want to scream at these people - can't you just live in community together! Don't you understand what that means, what it can mean!

If you made it this far thanks for listening to me rant.

And the Season Begins

The last fews days have been spiritually filling and physically draining by the end of the day...but, I wouldn't trade them for anything.

The past weekend was Start Up Sunday and start up things have. This week: I went to Pastoral Care training (one more official training to go), I went to my first EFM class here, I had what I'll call a Greeter Lead meeting, and my first well we thought of you when this need came up. I may have to turn this one down because of the amount of time it may involve - but, I'll know more tonight; either way it felt so good to be asked for many, many reasons. The Greeter Lead meeting was great because I got to 'show me off a little bit'. Meaning I was just me, and I was relaxed, and we shared stories, and it was just really nice...and mentor priest said randomly that she was really happy that I was here.

Then we went to the children's open house last night, and we really do like our children's teachers, and knowing more about what's coming up in the next weeks and the overall objectives for the year made me feel better. Though the wife and I are still going to need to supplement the children's learning. Our old school district was really good, and we've discovered that because of this our kiddos are quite abit ahead, and we'd like them to stay ahead.

The wife and the kiddos are really enjoying their evenings together. The wife gets home most days at 4pm and with the kids going to bed a little later, they have more time together. Both kiddos are really enjoying soccer this year - it's a six week season - and we were quite suprised that Sonshine not only likes the game (which he used to not like at all) but is also excelling at. Princess still kicks soccer booty too. The wife really likes her job because as she says, "I'm so relaxed at work...people show up, are happy to be there, and I get to leave on time."

So life is good, and when I start to feel the roller coaster ride start to take that downward slump - I really need to hold onto these moments.

The Bishop of Vermont's Views on Lambeth

I should have been reading his statements in "real time" but I just went over to the Diocese website and read what he posted nearly daily while at Lambeth. It's lengthy and if you want to read it in date order then start at the bottom:
http://www.dioceseofvermont.org/AnglicanCommunion/Lambeth2008/ElyLambethNotes.html

The winning log for the General Convetion has been picked - I like it and the spirit the convetion would do good to embody - Ubuntu. You can see and read about it here: http://www.episcopalchurch.org/79901_100399_ENG_HTM.htm

Daily Show and Sarah Palin

Letting Go of Doubt and Holding on to Hope

Letting Go of Doubt and Holding on to Hope

I'm not at all certain this community will see in me what my last community saw. But then I ask myself, if this community can't see "it", then it was no call at all. And then I wonder if that is correct thinking.

Should not call transcend place? But these places/spaces are so very different; very different missions. In some ways they are the yin and yang of each other - one is so firmly spiritually and familial centered (it is a beautiful thing it behold), the other is outward focused social justice oriented without that sense of familial. There's loyalty and commitment - perhaps this sense will change come September when the usual flow of the church begins. If I could but meld the too - what a sight to behold.

I need to hold them both within - remember and honor both spaces...the comparing must stop.

I hold on to: I can only be me, I don't really know how to be anything else. But, that good old doubt - will it be enough, do I want this too much...is that wrong...I admitted to (whom I will now try to reference as mentor priest) mentor priest that I was starting to wonder if I got it all wrong, did I get this wrong, then I sighed, smiled, and said perhaps I should give myself a break, give myself some credit [thank you alt - those words have stuck with me].

Without going into details - and this is my sense of things; I'm going to have to prove myself. I'm going to have to exude confidence and leadership. I'm going to have to exude priestly precence (this is totally my thinking). I've got to walk the walk, and talk the talk...oh my how silly this sounds...I can only be me - and will that be enough. I have leadership (the wife assures of that I have), but the way I lead may not be considered leadership. Confidence may sink me...it is my achilles heel. I am confident when I am completely comfortable. It's when I'm not that will require working on...not letting anyone sense that I'm not feeling confident at the moment.

I had thought the roller coaster of emotions would stop once here...I think unfortunately (at least for me) this is a part of my process, a part of my journey. I am the rock and the doubter.

pplllll and such

The kid's first week of school went very well only 41 more left.

Met with head pastor - if i was hoping for warm gushing fuzzies they went missing - but i suppose luke warm will do.

EMing again this Sunday - ugh.

Next week the schedule from continual hell starts.

perservance is a dirty word for f***ing sucker.

sigh 669 days more of this - but hey it's evenly divided by 3 to equal 223 in case you were interested.

where is god in all this - perhaps waiting for my poopy attitude too change.

but you know it's been a shit week when even the wife gets worn down.

where is god in all this...where is god in all this...where is god in all this... Hello, HAL do you read me, HAL...Affirmative, Dave, I read you...Open the pod bay doors, HAL...I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that...What's the problem...I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do...What are you talking about, HAL...This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it...I don't know what you're talking about, HAL...I know you and Frank were planning to disconnect me, and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen...Where the hell'd you get that idea, HAL...Dave, although you took thorough precautions in the pod against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.

Got my first EM here under my belt

I had originally been asked to EM on the 24th, then told I didn't need to and could I EM on the 9/7 - I said sure. But then I got an email from someone else asking if I could do altar guild after the 10 o'clock service. I said I could, and then I got to thinking...and realized that something must have gone wrong with the EM schedule. So I showed up early for the 10 o'clock service just in case...and lo I was EMing that day and not on 9/7.

So, I asked an EM who was there to walk me through the paces one more time - my training had been a month ago, and how they EM here is very differnet from how I EMed back in the land of tejas. And could she please show me how to loop the rope around my waist. During all this my kiddos kept coming back into the vesting area...you could her the nervousness in my voice, but I was still thoughtful as I said, "[Daughter's name], I'm sorry but I can't give you my full attention right now." Then the priest suggested they go back to the pews...and then they showed up two more times, and finally I said they "Well, I don't care if Mimi said you could come back here - you need to go back to your pew and stay there." In an annoyed but not angry voice.

Note: The deacon, priest, and EM all sit in together behind the altar.
While one of the hymns was playing the priest whispered - did you know the Bishop is here? (pause) Umm, no. During another hymn the priest whispered - I see 8 cleregy in the pews. Sweat starts to appear on my forehead.

I made two slight mistakes...my first was that I started to slightly raise when the priest rose - but only she was supposed to rise. And the second was when I took the prayer book from the altar when it should have stayed on the altar. So when it was needed - thankfully, me and the preist returned to the altar with said book so it didn't look too obvious.

I felt really comfortable during The Word of God, and then really nervous during The Great Thanksgiving, because I didn't know exactly where my body needed to be. Then during communion I felt super relaxed again. Maybe I'll video tape the next service...it's so easy to fall into the flow of the service in the pews, that I forget to keep watching the altar to see what/where the EM is.

But, overall - it went really well. The priest said I did really good for my first time up there, and she'd have told me if I'd need to work on something. And later I got two unexpected...it was so nice to see you up there, you looked really good up there.

Now, here's to EMing getting easier each time I'm up there.

And now for the random:
The only other thing on my mind is that perhaps I need to exercise restaint in conversation. The couple who gave me the compliment then said something that I can't even remember now (I'm going to have to ask the wife) and then I blurt out in pure enthusiasim and excitement, Thank You, I want to be like [Priest X]. And I'm here so I can discern. Ah sigh...don't call me sauve nor subtle :-)

Mariza - Barco Negro

Mariza's Official Website: http://www.mariza.com/

I instantly thought - whoa Sinead in espanol or err portuguege.

Leaks

The below come from the blog Telling Secrets:
http://telling-secrets.blogspot.com/

"A letter by Bishop Robert Duncan, moderator of the Common Cause Partnership, to Bishop Gary Lillibridge of the Episcopal Diocese of West Texas has been made public. In that letter, dated August 11, Bishop Duncan put in writing concerns of the dioceses of Pittsburgh, Fort Worth, Quincy and other members of the Common Cause Partnership caused by the suggestions of the Windsor Continuation Group for dealing with divisions in the Anglican Communion. Bishop Duncan had initially shared these concerns with those present at the Lambeth Conference of Bishops.

The August 11 letter was forwarded with permission by Bishop Lillibridge to members of the Windsor Continuation Group and subsequently leaked to liberal activists and published online and via email on August 18."

THIS NEXT PIECE COMES FROM The Common Cause Partnership:
http://www.united-anglicans.org/stream/2008/08/concerns-windsor-continuation.html

"A letter by Bishop Robert Duncan, moderator of the Common Cause Partnership, to Bishop Gary Lillibridge of the Episcopal Diocese of West Texas has been made public. In that letter, dated August 11, Bishop Duncan put in writing concerns of the dioceses of Pittsburgh, Fort Worth, Quincy and other members of the Common Cause Partnership caused by the suggestions of the Windsor Continuation Group for dealing with divisions in the Anglican Communion. Bishop Duncan had initially shared these concerns with those present at the Lambeth Conference of Bishops.

The August 11 letter was forwarded with permission by Bishop Lillibridge to members of the Windsor Continuation Group and subsequently leaked to liberal activists and published online and via email on August 18.

“I am happy to publicly acknowledge this letter and my description of the concerns we in the Common Cause Partnership have about the proposals of the Windsor Continuation Group. Nonetheless, it is disturbing to discover that at least one member of the Windsor Continuation Group, a body that is supposed to be working for reconciliation in the Anglican Communion, so quickly leaked private correspondence in an attempt to gain some passing political advantage,” said Bishop Duncan.
The full text of the letter follows:

Dear Gary,
It was very good to be with you at Lambeth. I especially appreciated the time we spent together looking at the relationship between the Common Cause Partners and the Communion Partners, as well as considering issues that are before the WCG.

I thought that you might appreciate hearing from me about concerns the approach of the WCG has caused for me and for all the Common Cause Partners.

The WCG proposes “cessation of all cross-border interventions and inter-provincial claims of jurisdiction.” There are at least four serious problems with the thinking surrounding the work of the Windsor Continuation Group in this regard.

The first difficulty is the moral equivalence implied between the three moratoria, a notion specifically rejected in the original Windsor Report and at Dromantine.

The second is the notion that, even if the moratoria are held to be equally necessary, there would be some way to “freeze” the situation as it now stands for those of us in the process of separating from The Episcopal Church. The three dioceses of Pittsburgh, Quincy and Fort Worth have taken first constitutional votes on separation with second votes just weeks away. We all anticipate coming under Southern Cone this fall, thus to join San Joaquin. This process cannot be stopped — constitutions require an automatic second vote, and to recommend against passage without guarantees from the other side would be suicidal.

The third reality is that those already separated parishes and missionary jurisdictions under Rwanda, Nigeria, Kenya, Uganda and Southern Cone (including Recife) will never consent to the “holding tank” whose stated purpose is eventual “reconciliation” with TEC or the Anglican Church of Canada. (It was obvious to all at Lambeth that the majorities in the US and Canada have no intention of reversing direction.)

The fourth matter is that the legal proceedings brought by TEC and ACC against many of us have been nowhere suspended by these aggressor provinces, with no willingness to mediate or negotiate though we have proposed it repeatedly, not least since Dar es Salaam.

For your information, I have written to John Chew and Donald Mtetemela in a similar way. I have also written to the Global South Primates who signed the open letter dated 3 August.

I hope this finds you well. As I pledged when we saw each other, I will do what I can to keep you informed of thinking among the Common Cause Partners, and will do what I can to see that any solutions imagined include both the Communion Partners (on the inside) and the Common Cause Partners (most of whom are on the outside of TEC, or on their way out.)

Blessings to you and yours,
+Bob"

Looking Forward to the Changing Weather

If the leaves but would turn
perhaps so would I
If the winds but would blow softly
perhaps so would I
If the color but would change
perhaps so would I

I've quite a bit of anticipation for the coming of Fall...like something deep down inside is hungry, and has waited so patiently for so long, that the continued waiting is much harder to contain.

So off with the head of logic
To walk from the heart
See from the heart
Listen from the heart

I'm excited again, and that feels good. Worried about the children; they're still struggling to get over colds. I still worry about making it here. But, it's not an all consuming thought anymore. I hope that time shows me, that all that worry was for naught you little child of small faith.

U2 - Pop - Has me humming, and then...

...one stumbles upon...

"Will you come and follow me if I but call your name? Will you go where you don't know and never be the same? Will you let my love be shown, will you let my name be known, will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?"

...and the humming shimes in...

Where Did the Week Go

I'm quite excited that it's the weekend, but where did the week go? Where has my Saturday gone...

The wife works today - boo; I did my "extra, extra" work today as well; the kiddos are trying to rest to get over their colds.

Later today, we'll try on our full winter kits - perhaps I'll post pics - depends on how cute we look ;-)

I've installed GIMP, and the help files - very nice freeware. Got to put OpenOffice.org Draw to work today. OpenOffice is MS Office but free and then some things. So as I can I work using the new tools into my everyday, but that's been slower going.

The highlight for today will be bringing home Vietnamese take-out home for dinner.

Well, off to do some honey-do items.

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I have Spiritual Direction Monday - sigh - I don't have a clue what I'll talk about...let the spirit guide me eh.

Reading Interior Castles and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and Jesus for the Non-religious.

There's two things about Burlington I'll never come to like:
there are zero after-school-programs in place the week right after school lets out, and the two weeks after school begins...it just doesn't make any sense to us;

people have come to think that it's ok for their salaries to be totally out of whack with the cost of living.

I still miss home...I thought this place could become home, but I don't know...it's pretentious, it thinks it's this great place for families to be - but it's an illusion only the rich here can afford.

Maybe I'm wrong, but SA didn't pretend to be more then it was - Home of the Spurs, and working class people, though I imagine with the rapid growth the dynamics of the city will change.

I've never been a nothern girl, I'm a mid-western suburban motown sa-town y'all kinda girl and perhaps "they" don't know what to make of me either.

I keep catching myself counting down to when I can leave here...some of that is wanting to come to the turning point shall we say - the one way or another way.

But, when we're hiking or biking, when I can find stillness - then this place isn't so bad.

Stuborness and Pride

A little backstory - my daughter had two training wheels on her bike, but got to the point where one would normally raise the training wheels to introduce more need for the child to balance themself; however, these training wheels kept falling down back to their original starting positions. So, like it seemed to me the most logical thing to do was to remove the training wheel she depended on the most - which is what I did.

So my daughter has been pushing all summer long to take her last training wheel off her bike, and I kept resisting. So she took matters into her own hands and was trying to pull it off with all her might...at that point I caved. I got the tools, and I took the training wheel off. I tried to impart my use the curb to push off with, but alas my independent thinker would have none of it and figured out her own desired method of send off.

She is now training wheel free and an official two wheeler. I am a very proud mama.

Big Sigh of Relief

Well, I've gotten part-time employment plus side work (about 2-4 hours) which will get done most likely on Saturday mornings.

I won't be rollin in it...but neither will I be in debt...I can see the forrest again :)

Gotta run...pasta is a comin'.

A Very Good Read and A Sense of Peace

So, yesterday I found a free pdf download of a book called "The One Minute Manager"...it is well worth the read, and it reads quickly. I've already finished it but will go through it again much slower. So thanks to Lee for pointing out a time management lecture that led to a reference to the book.

I have an interview tomorrow for a help people run errands, sit with them, cook for them type job...wish me luck. I'm actually pretty excited about the job - it feels like a right fit.

A co-worker of mine has some work coming for me. I don't know how much nor for how long nor when exactly, but it doesn't matter - I won't be saying no.

If I get both of these jobs, then things will be so tight as to still grind a little, but we won't go into debt - at least that's my hope.

We're adjusting, I'm adjusting...I'm finally at the point where the thought of all this doesn't reduce me to tears. I'm finally able to say, and mean it - I haven't come all this way, given up my family's home, moved them away from family, just to quit upon arrival. "This" will not be my brick wall.

I've gotten to this place with the help and love of my family and friends - all I can say is thank you, and maybe one day I can give back what you've given to me.

Bluck! What is that nasty tast in my mouth...

Why it's the Windsor Consultation Group. And for those of you in Tejas...sigh...is there hope?

Check out this link: http://inchatatime.blogspot.com/2008/08/flock-abandoned.html, which led to this link: http://www.episcopalcafe.com/lead/lambeth_conference/live_breaking_windsor_group_re.html

Which led to me feeling those feelings that I do about a particular bishop...must unclench teeth now. Which led to a google search on said bishop, perhaps you'll find it interesting as well.

I must let go...I must let go...I must let go...