Monday, October 06, 2008

Discovering Things

We went on two drives with the grandparents this weekend; one took us up to Smuggler's Notch and the other to a small town about an 1.5 hours away. The leaves are definitely at their peak, and hopefully a few will hang around for when the other grandparent comes into town this coming weekend.

I'm hoping most of the pictures I took turn out. We "shot some video" but I haven't had a chance to look through it. Lots of pics (or so it seems) of water and bridges, a few farmland scenes. The wife thinks I should check out some of the smallesque local galleries (she has two in mind) to see what you have to do to show your work. I'm alittle less (ok a lot less) optimistic then she is because, well, I'm not known at all in/within the local art scene, I don't have a 'body of work' that ties to a whole. I have lots of photos of nature or people, and sometimes the two collide in a good way. I think I've come to realize that I probably have 'an eye' for photography, and a piece of me would be thrilled and honored to show my photographs. But, for now my gallery will continue to be the walls of my home...and just maybe...the really good ones will go out as gifts this year.

I have spurts of time when I realize that if the call as I feel it to be isn't affirmed then that will be ok - that I will be ok - it will not be the end of the world...just the end of a journey. There is so much waiting in this journey, so much beyond my control, so very many different people will play and have played major roles in deciding my future. Sometimes it feels like I'm holding an icicle in 90 degree heat and being told to not let it melt. In the reading I've done about people who have gone through this process or those who write about how the process should somehow change all ask in the end what kind of person endures this. Because even if you become a Postulant, nothing is certain until you finally get ordained which can be in total anywhere from 5-6 years [discerning (2-3 yrs)/ seminary (3 yrs)/ transitional deacon (6months)/ ordination] - assuming you aren't gay or lesbian in a non-inclusive diocese. I suppose there are plusses and minuses as in all things.

Plusses/Minusses (you decide which is which):
- you're either insane or pretty darn sure you and God are on the same me I'm not insane :).
- you have many opportunities to test your own inner call and then within community in an authentic manner.
- you have plenty of time to doubt and cry and wonder at your own insanity (oops - that's right I'm not insane) at why anyone would put themselves through this. The closest analogy I have is that it's a bit like when you decide to join the military and then you go through boot camp and come out a different person for it.
- After discernment, either way - you finally know, and can finally move on/in to the next part of the journey.
- Living in constant ambiguity, and in some ways we are all always living with this; the constant letting go.
- Other people control your fate, and this is all done within a group where you've been asked to expose deep parts of yourself...and then knowing there's that chance you will be rejected.

There's more but, I'm done, I've exhausted my list for now. I'm reading a book by Kushner based on the life of Moses. About having dreams crushed, about life not turning out as you had planned, and how will you choose to respond when life deals you these opportunities.


Lee said...

JS, I agree with the wife, you should try to sell or or at least place some of your photos where people can see them. It might give the community a good image of you and your many skills. Yeah, I know it's scary putting yourself out there for potential rejection but, just like blogging, you never know if you don't try. And besides, I like your stuff. So there's one fan! :) Oops! Make that two, sorry wife!


jsd said...

lee: I'm too lazy in this regard; first I need to give my work as gifts - then we'll see.

murat11 said...

I like your icicle in 90 degree heat metaphor. The other one that comes to mind is the old "don't push," when you're in labor. What's "important" is that the doctor ain't there yet. Extend the metaphor a bit more: you have to "wait/not push" until others show up to "see" what you've already been shown.

San said...

"You're either insane or pretty darn sure you and God are on the same page." Some would say these are not mutually exclusive. Following a call may make any us feel or appear to be nuts.

jsd said...

murat: i like your metaphor alot, "wait/don't push" speaks volumes in needing to just be and just be patient and stamina.

san: lol - y'all have such wonderful perspectives...thank you. well, ya know there's a certain point in the process that all 'aspirants' have to take a pysche eval - so i have to be deemed sane for at least that point in time ;-)