Letting Go of Doubt and Holding on to Hope
I'm not at all certain this community will see in me what my last community saw. But then I ask myself, if this community can't see "it", then it was no call at all. And then I wonder if that is correct thinking.
Should not call transcend place? But these places/spaces are so very different; very different missions. In some ways they are the yin and yang of each other - one is so firmly spiritually and familial centered (it is a beautiful thing it behold), the other is outward focused social justice oriented without that sense of familial. There's loyalty and commitment - perhaps this sense will change come September when the usual flow of the church begins. If I could but meld the too - what a sight to behold.
I need to hold them both within - remember and honor both spaces...the comparing must stop.
I hold on to: I can only be me, I don't really know how to be anything else. But, that good old doubt - will it be enough, do I want this too much...is that wrong...I admitted to (whom I will now try to reference as mentor priest) mentor priest that I was starting to wonder if I got it all wrong, did I get this wrong, then I sighed, smiled, and said perhaps I should give myself a break, give myself some credit [thank you alt - those words have stuck with me].
Without going into details - and this is my sense of things; I'm going to have to prove myself. I'm going to have to exude confidence and leadership. I'm going to have to exude priestly precence (this is totally my thinking). I've got to walk the walk, and talk the talk...oh my how silly this sounds...I can only be me - and will that be enough. I have leadership (the wife assures of that I have), but the way I lead may not be considered leadership. Confidence may sink me...it is my achilles heel. I am confident when I am completely comfortable. It's when I'm not that will require working on...not letting anyone sense that I'm not feeling confident at the moment.
I had thought the roller coaster of emotions would stop once here...I think unfortunately (at least for me) this is a part of my process, a part of my journey. I am the rock and the doubter.
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6 comments:
Good morning, Peter: I have to smile: name me a person who isn't confident unless they are completely comfortable. It sure ain't me, babe. You're steadfast willingness to face all this is admirable.
Just remember: you're not called to be Christ: Peter (and what a doubting goofus he was) will do just fine. And I don't think he had his finances in order.
murat: smiling back to you - thank you...and I'll try very hard to remember that I'm not called to be Christ :) Thank you for your steadfastness in friendship...much love.
I'm with Paschal here, you aren't called to be Christ, just his servant. And if you have any doubts about you managing that well, I'd like to remind you that you were the girl who took Community of Hope training BEFORE she knew she needed to take LEM training too. :)
I've never seen you not want to put others first. And I'm not sure if that's what your new community calls social justice or not. But I know it comes to you naturally.
Keep faith JS!
Peace! Hope! & Love!
lee: thank you too - thank you for the reassurances and the reminders...love.
God has called YOU, the real YOU, just YOU... stick with being YOU... and the call will become clear.
I promise.
more cows: thank you...conversation with head priest through off the balance...there are so many transitions at so many levels...so much to absorb and filter...it's easy to get that lost inside feeling...so I keep reminding myself to listen to/for the small quiet voice inside...allow myself to be the rock and doubter...that no matter the outcome I will be ok...I am ok as is.
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