Moving but not sure when

Well, the landlord emailed last night saying he's going to sell the house. I checked and I have no way out of the lease, and will have a whopping 30-days to find something once it's sold. So, we're going to start looking for boxes and begin packing ourselves up, that way we can at least begin to be prepared.

I feel like I'm dragging my family through crap that just sucks to have to go through. Then I think well it could be so much worse. Really, quit your whining. The landlords were jerks extraordinaire - this should be a blessing. But, moving the kids again to who knows where to who knows what school they'll be at or when...it just sucks. And my wife isn't willing to ask me to throw in the white flag of mercy on "my dreams," and quitting now after all this seems to make it have been for nothing, and I don't want to quit. But, I do want very much for all this shit to stop happening. I am just drained and barely slept, not even out of anger with the landlord...no I was just hurt with/at God. Then turning my thoughts to 'no God doesn't wish bad things for us/doesn't want bad things to happen to us/He's walkin' with me...sigh.

And I think if Step 1 doesn't end with a resounding "Yes, you may now proceed to Step 2" then I'm done. All my spiritual capital has been spent, and my reserves are pretty damn low, if not empty. But, again - I say that now but I'm not sure I mean it. All I do know is that I just don't know.

A Months of Reading

Well, actually I read all the time...for the last 3 years mostly spirituality books. When I first started to feel the tugs I found myself reading things I hadn't even considered reading for nearly 15 years. I read the whole Bible in less then 3 months, and there's a wonderful book the title of which escapes me now that is fiction but takes you through the Bible from the 'characters' perspective - this book solidified the Books for me.

Between mid-June and now I've read 7 books; of these seven 1 was a SciFi book, which was a nice break. I tried to read "The Portrait of Dorian Grey," and "The Canterbury Tales," but both of these books left me feeling very sad. I got through the Knight's tale and started the Miller's but I found myself continually sighing at the sadness of the two tales that it just didn't have to be that way; so I put the book down. Oh and Dorian Grey oh my...I got mid-way through before I couldn't handle the spiritual depravity any more.

Then the library saved me with having a book I placed on hold finally come up with me as next in queue, which was "Altar in the World" a very beautifully written book that was like reading a summary of the last 3 years of reading culminate in a resounding YES. I finished up a radical welcome book, 7 Habits (been trying to read that book for almost 9 years), read a fantastic and thin book about prayer. Read my "required" reading, "Living on the Borders of the Holy" and a book I picked up at the same time as that one which is radical in some ways and scares me in a good examine way sort of way (and the title is escaping me) - but it's structured to be read in small pieces if you want. I started "The Vagina Monologues" which is now resting beside the bedside table. And lastly I'm reading "When God is Silent" and "The Shack."

I nearly ditched the "The Shack" - I was doing fine with it until God in Her 3 aspects arrived. I don't give much away here...I liked how the author has God portrayed as a black woman named Papa, the Holy Spirit is an Asian woman, and Jesus' physical appearance is that of how ancient Jewish man would look decked out in jeans and plaid shirt. What caused me to baulk was the theology, and I only got two chapters into what becomes the remainder of the book. I wasn't expecting to get theology as part of this book, and I wasn't so sure how I felt about what I was reading. So, this Sunday at church I was browsing the library shelves and one of our Deacons asked what I was looking for...I said I didn't know, but would when I saw it. She went back to what she was doing, and I decided on "When God is Silent." The Deacon came back out and asked what I'd picked and I showed her...she didn't comment, and I filled the silence with I like the author's books alot and I haven't read this one yet. I was embarrassed a wee bit...here I am an Aspirant reading "When God is Silent." Then I mentioned that I was reading or tried to read "The Shack" but was getting stuck with the theology, that something was causing me to buck at what I was reading. I didn't share this, but part of me wondered and worried a little at the bucking -- cause in a lot of ways the book had to that point presented a way of seeing God that was trying to break some things down. It felt like I was reading a book meant for recovering Baptists. Back to my Deacon...she suggested I do a google search and see what came up, and then decide whether to continue with it or not.

So, I did. Some of the Baptists that believe the Bible is literal and only certain people can tell you what it means people -- do not like this book one bit; they disagree with the Salvation and Trinity aspects within the book. But, really what I've decided is that I want to discover for myself what it is that makes me uncomfortable about what I'm reading and why.

Sigh - Car Accidents Stink

First - I'm ok and I was the only one in the car. My head still hurts but not too bad, and the neck is a little stiff; otherwise, all is well.

The damage done to the car doesn't look too horrid - on the list of visible damage; bumper, head light, side panel, tire, windshield wiper container. I'm hoping there's no axle or frame damage or engine damage, and well you get the idea.

The guy made a left into, and he felt really bad about it...going to let the insurance handle it; that's what they get paid for. It all happened so fast but I don't think my seat belt engaged properly hence the top of my head hitting the front part of the car. I think my sun visor may have saved my noggin from the windshield.

At any rate -- lots to take care of tomorrow. Stay safe.

DoWTX Still Makin' Me Sad

I keep hoping that maybe the bishops in W.Tejas will change...but, instead am saddened by his statement he gave at Gen. Convention yesterday:
http://www.episcopalcafe.com/lead/general_convention/bishop_gary_lillibridge_reads.html#more

.....perhaps +Lillibridge should change the signs in W.TX to the "Episcopal Diocese of West Texas mostly welcomes you".

D025 amends B033

Excerpt from "Bishops Vote for No Outcasts" on the Walking withi Integrity blog:
http://walkingwithintegrity.blogspot.com/2009/07/bishops-vote-for-no-outcasts.html

ANAHEIM, CA (July 13, 2009)--By a nearly 2-1 margin, the bishops of the Episcopal Church passed an amended version of resolution D025, which effectively ends the "BO33 Era" and returns the church to relying on its canons and discernment processes for the election of bishops. "While concurrence on the amended resolution by the House of Deputies is necessary before it is officially adopted by the church as a whole," said Integrity President Susan Russell, "there is no question that today's vote in the House of Bishops was an historic move forward and a great day for all who support the full inclusion of all the baptized in the Body of Christ."

An Altar in the World

I've heard words like these before, they echo a longing so deep, bring me near tears, and yet offer such great hope:

Whoever you are, you are human. Wherever you are, you live in this world, which is just waiting for you to notice the holiness in it. So welcome to your own priesthood, practised at the altar of your own life. The good news is that you have everything you need to begin.
-- Barbara Brown Taylor

Shalom, Namaste, Agape, Ubuntu

TEC Media HUB for General Convention 2009

TEC is doing something really pretty awesome. If you go to this website: http://gchub.episcopalchurch.org/ then you can watch videos of what's happened, such as, the PB's opening statement. You can also watch things live, view photos on Flickr, and a whole bunch more. So go check it out!

A Very Nice Weekend

It's been a nice 3-day weekend. We had an Englishman stay with us Thursday night and then dropped him off the next morning so he could travel with his fellow Englishpeople - he's part of a choir and their touring the area for 2 weeks then going back to the pond. It was brilliant.

We tried walking to the fireworks but the rain and not realizing it was a 2-mile walk derailed that plan at the 1-mile mark. But it was still fun taking a late night stroll.

Saturday was grocery shopping and yard work and we watched Chicken Little. After the kiddos went to bed we tried to watch Babel but it was too stressful watching these people's lives and worrying that it was only going to get worse and have no happy ending. I'll have to do a search and find a review with a spoiler. Of yeah, and we went to one of those .25 cent library book sales and watched a 4th of July parade.

And today is church, then neighborhood softball game and then maybe pie with our neighbors.

Nothing terribly exciting - but wonderfully relaxing. I'm actually reading for pleasure this week. I've started "The portrait of Dorian Grey" but it makes me very sad so I don't know if I'll finish it. I picked up a modern English version of Canterbury Tales, which I'm enjoying more since in the 'General Prologue' pretty much everyone is of good, and kind nature - very upstanding people these :)

Hmm...seems to be a very merry "english" sort of weekend...maybe I'll go have a spot of tea.

New Moby

I like Moby's music - Play was how I first heard of him, and then 18, and I may have Go, but his "old stuff" not as much. What I like about the new album wait for me is it is a return to the style that originally drew me in. It's mournful and sad, but sparks of light shred through.

Shot In The Back Of The Head from Moby on Vimeo.

Yesterday NPR streamed the entire album...I listened to the whole thing and then ordered it.

Very Good Weekend

Had a very good weekend. On Saturday we got the errands done early and after lunch we went bike riding. About a mile in sonshine's chain popped off due to him trying out some bike trick. I did't even have my pocket knife with me, but luckily I was able to get the chain back on with a little help from the wife - next time out the tools are coming too :) Then on the way back we stopped at a place called Charlie's were Patsy Cline was crooning to the waves and we swung under the trees eating our newly purchased treats.

Today was a bitter-sweet day for my church...but we had a boat trip around the big lake to honor a person leaving us. Thanks to some very generous members the trip was free for kids and at a way reduced rate. So, we had a blast...sitting up on the top deck with perfect weather, good food, lemonade, friends, and family.

It was quite simply a beautiful weekend.

Liked the Humor

Saw most what you'll hear last night (the images were added by the person who posted it to youtube).

MGMT Kids

Maine and Discernment

The drive to Maine was beautiful, but for some reason the drive there was a full hour longer then the drive back to Vermont going the exact same route.

We saw 3 moose, 1 beaver, 1 snake, 1 crab-like thing, 1 suicidal vulture, heard howling coyotes, and there's way too many mosquitoes. The lakes where spectacular and the mountains shrouded in clouds. I didn't take a lot of pictures though, but when the roll gets developed I'll post one or two.

We had a very good time and for a couple of days I was able to let my worries mostly go. But there's a sadness that's crept into my heart, and I don't know whether to honor it or kick it out. I really should just get over it already.

My last discernment visit left me confused and worried. We started out the conversation par usual. And we talked about how there's times when I'm writing something and it just comes out, just flows, and when it's done you know, and you know it is good, very good. And how I have these moments in conversations with people too. It's like the Holy Spirit is working through you. And I'm not convinced he totally got what I was talking about, which caught me off guard because he writes sermons.

We also, I think, had a good discussion overall, and then within the last 10 minutes of our time he (and I had wondered when we where going to review my last set of material and was getting ready to bring it up but...) mentioned that he had looked at my last set of work, and that he really should have written some notes down, and then his words hit me like a ton of bricks and his comments came in a stream. And I'm sitting there in shock and I know that he sees my reaction. And I can't believe he'd saved these comments for the last 10 minutes, and he doesn't want to discuss it with me, but instead gives me my next assignment to sort of address what he had said.

With that said the comments were not horrid, they were more along the lines of what-how-is-that-all-you-heard, I don't think I'll get booted out of the process (though that is my deepest fear, so some of my sadness is self-pity). I told him I had to sit and reflect on what he said. He did end the conversation with, you're doing good work, this is good work.

I asked him if he had time (he'll be away for many weeks soon) to skim my now last set of work 'cause as I told a friend if he doesn't like this he's going to hate [my now last set of work]. So, I did the what's the worst that could happen exercise: (a) the process stops here, (b) the process gets extended for this part of it, (c) it all turns out fine and the process proceeds as normal.

I think what hurts the most is that I feel like I have somehow let my own self down.

Eat with Me

Won't you please
come join me
at this table?

Because when I break
this bread, I am
breaking open myself.

Will you hold me
in this moment
so that I may see you?

I would like to pass
this plate to you
and ask you too to break bread.

I promise to be there
as you lay open
and together we mend.

Going to Maine

We're going to go camping in Maine for our anniversary. The wife and I had been talking that if we don't go this year it probably wouldn't happen. We won't see the ocean since we're traveling to the closer point between us and Maine, but the area is supposed to be beautiful. It will be nice to get away for a weekend, leave our regular weekend routines behind. Do some hiking, take some photos, maybe sonshine will shoot some video. He's actually pretty good at making funny videos, we showed them off to a friend who found them amusing too - so it's not just biased parents ;)

Here's a couple of recent pictures. I took these when we went sugaring back in February.

Calm but Brewing

Have you ever been in that space where you're really calm, but you feel something brewing, and you don't know what's brewing? That's how I've been feeling the last little while. Like something is coming. I hope whatever it is is good, or maybe the feeling will just fade and I'll have forgotten about feeling this (most likely).

Today is the first day where my coughing hasn't been non-stop, and my energy is a little higher. I really do need to schedule myself. I need to get exercise back into my schedule and now I need to add studying for the GRE. I HATE STANDARDIZED TESTS! I absolutely suck at them. I'm trying to visualize that I'll get an average score, but really, in all my years of taking those stupid things - I score on the low end. And I totally suck at math, hands down stink at it. So ok, the GRE makes me really anxious, remedy - attempt to prep for something I have no desire to take. Sigh, thanks for listening to the rant.

An aside, the landlords are coming twice next week, and the visit will probably only go sorta well; we've given up on anything more with them. But, I'm not as anxious as I was expecting...but I know that will be different the days of the actual visits. The wife is pretty anxious, which makes me feel awful - she's not one to get anxious; she's the calm one, the rock...so it really makes me angry that these people have gotten to her.

But, really life is good. Blessings to y'all.

June and the summer is freezing

Ok, couldn't resist...I mean it did snow the other day here in VTland. I've a cold, most likely from the sudden shift in weather or possibly fatigue and it being cold.

June is stacking up to be sporadically meeting filled. Some weeks nothing, next week oh my, oh my. I figure this is much the life of a priest, many many meetings. I imagine what my days as a priest will look like every now and again (you know positive affirmation/visualization). Mornings steeped in centering prayer, Sunday sermons that rock the house, people walking out the door excited and energized and deeply loved. A church excited about God, in love with God and each other and their world. Then I let some reality seep in, so ok there will be alot of meetings, but I truly enjoy people and doing good stuff out in the world - lucky for me these kind of meetings don't wear me out (well ok the ones that go on were no decision is made expect to make it next time - those are draining). And the one-on-ones technically that's a meeting, but really that's pastoral care. So, you know, prayer, sermons, Eucharist, and meetings - what more could an aspiring wanna be ask for --- a calendar and a good contract so her wife doesn't leave her and her children remember they have two mommas :)

Doesn't Represent Radical Hospitality But Inappropriately Funny

February's Greeter Reflection

March's reflection is pretty good too, but anyways...

I would invite you to take an imaginary trip with me. Imagine you're on your way to your spouse's 20th family reunion, and you only know the immediate family members. Imagine upon arrival no one really talks to you, and you get the occasional smile or nod and then off this person goes. But everyone else around you appears to be having a good time talking and laughing with each other while you stand alone.

How do you feel in this moment?

Now imagine instead that your spouse's immediate family members take you by the hand and introduce you to people. Ensure that you're not left to yourself but are included within conversations and sharing.

How do you feel in this moment?

Greeting and religious communities fall into this scenario. How easy it is to change the scenario to:
I would invite you to take an imaginary trip with me. Imagine you're on your way to St. XYZ's for the first time, and you don't know any of the members. Imagine upon arrival no one really talks to you, and you get the occasional smile or nod and then off this person goes. But everyone else around you appears to be having a good time talking and laughing with each other while you stand alone.

How do they feel in this moment?

Now imagine instead that members of St. XYZ take this guest by the hand and introduce them to people. Ensure that they're not left to themselves but are included within conversations and sharing.

How do they feel in this moment? How do you feel?

That is the heart of our ministry.

I would invite others to share what their vision of our Greeting Ministry is with me, with each other, and with fellow members. Why is Greeting vital to you and our church? What do you hope for and envision for our team?

Greeting is vital to me because without hospitality we are not welcoming, without the gift of presence to each other and our guests we are only occupying a common space. Hospitality and mission go hand in hand, without one the other withers.

April's Greeter Reflection

I want to thank everyone for all you do, that to all our guests, and to those who become newcomers our hospitality matters.

We all want our church to feel warm and inviting; this is especially so for the guests and newcomers among us. We all want our church to be that place where we hear God calling to us, to feel the Holy Spirit amongst us, to see Jesus being lived out within our community.

Each Sunday I'm reminded of two things (1) that when in a room full of people who believe that will world should be a better place - that it can be (2) that God is in the ordinary moments of our lives.

Those moments when we say hello, when we stop to listen, when we do something that seems so very normal to us, can be extraordinary to someone else.