Letters

I got to read my letter of recommendation. It's a beautiful, lovingly written, and thoughtful letter. This process continues to humble, but I imagine that's part of the point :) Though I have to admit my first reaction was one of doubt. My own self mirror...well...let's just say it easily magnifies the flaws, and my own inner need of perfection (it's okay to laugh here). The letter includes a piece of where her strength is a weakness, and hence my own mirror magnified this piece of the letter. But as I've reread it, left it aside, and then reread, I can only smile because they've a point.

And, it scared me that my letter of recommendation had a "flaw" in it, because shouldn't all letters of this type only reflect how awesome you are? But the letter does reflect this, and it reflects my humanity, and that's something all good priests need.

Inklings on Church

Seeing as one day I hope to be a pastor, these inklings are mostly a reminder to myself.

Inkling 1: I've been thinking that all churches should have a vegetable garden and the produce should be divided so that a small portion can be used at church gatherings and all the rest be given away to soup kitchens or food pantries.

Inkling 2: Pastors and deacons should walk through and around the community in which their physical church sits at least once a week. They should know their neighbors well.

Inkling 3: Have your church host every event under the sun. Thus giving parishioners opportunities to talk about said event and/or invite people to said event. Sends message to community that your doors are open. That the church is welcoming.

Inkling 4: Liturgy is meant to be alive; every congregation should have one experimental Sunday.

Inkling 5: Someone on the church staff has to be technologically savvy and hip.

Inkling 6: I love pieces of the emergent church philosophy, but it often feels like the sole purpose is to recruit 20 and 30 somethings, and the rest of us are chopped liver. In my opinion creative, compassionate, radical hospitality church just plain gets people excited no matter what your age is.

Inkling 7: Pastors should join or form interfaith peer groups.

Inkling 8: All churches should recycle and compost, and if they have a community garden then they should use their own compost.

Inkling 9: The details really do matter.

Inkling 10: If your pastor isn't praying, modeling prayer, and talking about prayer; something is probably wrong...go hug that pastor.

An Altar in the World

I've heard words like these before, they echo a longing so deep, bring me near tears, and yet offer such great hope:

Whoever you are, you are human. Wherever you are, you live in this world, which is just waiting for you to notice the holiness in it. So welcome to your own priesthood, practised at the altar of your own life. The good news is that you have everything you need to begin.
-- Barbara Brown Taylor

Shalom, Namaste, Agape, Ubuntu

Maine and Discernment

The drive to Maine was beautiful, but for some reason the drive there was a full hour longer then the drive back to Vermont going the exact same route.

We saw 3 moose, 1 beaver, 1 snake, 1 crab-like thing, 1 suicidal vulture, heard howling coyotes, and there's way too many mosquitoes. The lakes where spectacular and the mountains shrouded in clouds. I didn't take a lot of pictures though, but when the roll gets developed I'll post one or two.

We had a very good time and for a couple of days I was able to let my worries mostly go. But there's a sadness that's crept into my heart, and I don't know whether to honor it or kick it out. I really should just get over it already.

My last discernment visit left me confused and worried. We started out the conversation par usual. And we talked about how there's times when I'm writing something and it just comes out, just flows, and when it's done you know, and you know it is good, very good. And how I have these moments in conversations with people too. It's like the Holy Spirit is working through you. And I'm not convinced he totally got what I was talking about, which caught me off guard because he writes sermons.

We also, I think, had a good discussion overall, and then within the last 10 minutes of our time he (and I had wondered when we where going to review my last set of material and was getting ready to bring it up but...) mentioned that he had looked at my last set of work, and that he really should have written some notes down, and then his words hit me like a ton of bricks and his comments came in a stream. And I'm sitting there in shock and I know that he sees my reaction. And I can't believe he'd saved these comments for the last 10 minutes, and he doesn't want to discuss it with me, but instead gives me my next assignment to sort of address what he had said.

With that said the comments were not horrid, they were more along the lines of what-how-is-that-all-you-heard, I don't think I'll get booted out of the process (though that is my deepest fear, so some of my sadness is self-pity). I told him I had to sit and reflect on what he said. He did end the conversation with, you're doing good work, this is good work.

I asked him if he had time (he'll be away for many weeks soon) to skim my now last set of work 'cause as I told a friend if he doesn't like this he's going to hate [my now last set of work]. So, I did the what's the worst that could happen exercise: (a) the process stops here, (b) the process gets extended for this part of it, (c) it all turns out fine and the process proceeds as normal.

I think what hurts the most is that I feel like I have somehow let my own self down.

Been on my mind

I’ve been struggling lately with can I be me and still be a priest? Of the priests I’ve seen there’s a genuine concern for others, but there’s also this distance. Is it just them? Is it protective to self? And I can’t help but think that isn’t me. That that is not what so many people need. They need someone to walk with them in their very personal pain/love/grief/life. To not be afraid to embrace them and hold them. And that image keeps calling to me. But it feels so conflicted with what I see.