Well, the landlord emailed last night saying he's going to sell the house. I checked and I have no way out of the lease, and will have a whopping 30-days to find something once it's sold. So, we're going to start looking for boxes and begin packing ourselves up, that way we can at least begin to be prepared.
I feel like I'm dragging my family through crap that just sucks to have to go through. Then I think well it could be so much worse. Really, quit your whining. The landlords were jerks extraordinaire - this should be a blessing. But, moving the kids again to who knows where to who knows what school they'll be at or when...it just sucks. And my wife isn't willing to ask me to throw in the white flag of mercy on "my dreams," and quitting now after all this seems to make it have been for nothing, and I don't want to quit. But, I do want very much for all this shit to stop happening. I am just drained and barely slept, not even out of anger with the landlord...no I was just hurt with/at God. Then turning my thoughts to 'no God doesn't wish bad things for us/doesn't want bad things to happen to us/He's walkin' with me...sigh.
And I think if Step 1 doesn't end with a resounding "Yes, you may now proceed to Step 2" then I'm done. All my spiritual capital has been spent, and my reserves are pretty damn low, if not empty. But, again - I say that now but I'm not sure I mean it. All I do know is that I just don't know.
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7 comments:
Oh, friend, this sounds really tough.
Holding you and all your dear ones in prayer...
pax, C.
JS, this sucks! But! Not your fault and not God's either. I'll call this evening.
Love,
Lee
cecilia: thank you for the prayers, i think knowing that i have folks praying for me and my family really does help.
lee: thank you...look forward to hearing from you :)
jsd: I know it's not exactly laughin' time, but in my sun-deranged mind this morning, the first thing that hits me is that odd little word, land-LORD. Now, how strange is it that in the journey out of Egypt, you all should keep having to deal with land-LORDS? Where's that sky-LORD, and what kind of tricksterism is she up to anyway? Is this prep for the life of an itinerant preacher?
Later, after the move and the quiet of a new place, this bit of AA wisdom from an old buddy may help: Rejection is protection. Try it on, after all the moving, after all the boxes are unpacked, and y'all are eating Ben and Jerry's right out of the carton on the back porch (lounging in the back hammock). Just don't share any of that sublime dairy product with the Trickster Goddess until she promises to behave Herself.
murat: thank you for the AA Wisdom! If She didn't have much say in all these "extra" moves perhaps She's trying to turn them into Carmel Pecan or Double Fudge Delight. I am worried about this being prep for a continual life of moving -- not so great for children though.
I tried to Pray this morning, but found I'm still a little touchy with Her Tricksterness -- so instead I slowly listed all that I'm thankful for -- still a prayer but no specific I thank thee God for x,y,z.
Then over lunch I put together all my notes for doing 2 ministry contract projects, and found that I'm excited; the extroverted project makes my tummy turn alittle but I will grow, grow, grow, and stretch. The other project I will work, work, work, and learn and face 'things' I may not know I needed to face.
Perhaps this is all a flavor called perseverance/live with ambiguity -- but if that's the case, then it's getting old and a mite bit tart, and a lesson I don't think needs continual repeating quite so frequently.
much love nano
Knowing you don't know. That's something. It keeps us open to possibility.
I'm sorry. Just read Paschal's take on landLORD. Lord, that's a mouthful. Or a bellyful. Of Jonah.
san: thank you...knowing I'll know something either soon or next month (in regards to discernment) helps not knowing about the living situation.
The wife and I are trying to hold onto hopefulness and possibilities.
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