I've been struggling with God and my's relationship lately, and well I've been petulant with him. I haven't wanted to talk to him, but at the same time I haven't wanted him to go anywhere else either but be right beside me.
And I'm struggling because I don't know what to do with my frustration, I don't know where to channel it - I'm an action-oriented kinda gal who's feeling pretty stuck in muck that is not mine, like if I'm not careful it will mire me in.
And so I again remind myself to let go, let God carry some of this for me for awhile. That doors shut so that other opportunities may open. That God is still forging the path one chiseled step up the mountain at a time.
And though I haven't been able to sit and pray, the hours have become my prayers, he's here and I know it. And though I haven't been able to pray, reading Psalm 23 for Sunday school pries open my doubting heart. And though I haven't been able to pray, Benedict's Rule of Life brings me my daily zen.
And my heart aches for others who struggle with living their homosexual identities and their ordained identities, because the two are not separate - but many times they are asked or told to lead their lives that way.
And I'm struggling with the "Why do you want to do this?" question from a lesbian priest. And my internal answer is, well because that's what I think God is calling me to. And if I don't fight for this and it is a fight - a fight for my right to be in this world as I am and not compromise myself in order to fill a role but instead to be the role...then I tell myself I will, here I am Lord. Because if we don't keep trying, keeping living our lives out in the open, the world will consume us.