Friday, August 03, 2007

Letting Go

I've been struggling with God and my's relationship lately, and well I've been petulant with him. I haven't wanted to talk to him, but at the same time I haven't wanted him to go anywhere else either but be right beside me.

And I'm struggling because I don't know what to do with my frustration, I don't know where to channel it - I'm an action-oriented kinda gal who's feeling pretty stuck in muck that is not mine, like if I'm not careful it will mire me in.

And so I again remind myself to let go, let God carry some of this for me for awhile. That doors shut so that other opportunities may open. That God is still forging the path one chiseled step up the mountain at a time.

And though I haven't been able to sit and pray, the hours have become my prayers, he's here and I know it. And though I haven't been able to pray, reading Psalm 23 for Sunday school pries open my doubting heart. And though I haven't been able to pray, Benedict's Rule of Life brings me my daily zen.

And my heart aches for others who struggle with living their homosexual identities and their ordained identities, because the two are not separate - but many times they are asked or told to lead their lives that way.

And I'm struggling with the "Why do you want to do this?" question from a lesbian priest. And my internal answer is, well because that's what I think God is calling me to. And if I don't fight for this and it is a fight - a fight for my right to be in this world as I am and not compromise myself in order to fill a role but instead to be the role...then I tell myself I will, here I am Lord. Because if we don't keep trying, keeping living our lives out in the open, the world will consume us.


murat11 said...

jsd: I like that you and it are OUT: you are living the now NOW, living where justice is headed, but living it NOW, here, NOW. Living where Gene lives, Susan lives, Carter lives, and everyone else on this journey.

How much of this is out in the Rec community? Not just inner circles, but in the day to day? Not so much a sandwich board proclaiming it, but are there quiet, natural places where it would naturally fit in the conversation, but you resist? Let's do that OUT, too. A lesbian on a discernment journey in the midst of Rec is part of growing Rec's commitment to its mission, too. It seems to me that your discernment journey is, in a way, our congregational journey as well.

Sermon time?

Peace and love: pat

jsd said...

murat11: I know the vestry knows, but I'm not certain they know R.W. was told that our church may not allow me to discern with them.

I had resisted talking about it openly cause I needed to get my "sea legs." But, I have begun to talk openly about it with people if it seems natural to bring the subject up.

I have thought about doing a 2nd Sunday - though I'm a turtle sometimes...needing that time to think, be sure, compose, and then speak.

I do wonder sometimes if the congregation is ready to hear my story/journey. Cause what I see in our congregation are people willing to listen and to love, but feel unable to change things. For example, people who felt called to be deacons - well, they've left our diocese for places where they could be affirmed and allowed to live out their journeys. The message (intentional or not) is - conform or leave.

And I know you know, just in case though, you've made this bareable, you help me keep the fire kindled, and there's no way for me to repay you, nor do I think you want that...thank you for the peace your words bring.

murat11 said...

jsd: Even though I was intially chagrined about the recent sermon about the dying gay parishioner (chagrined that the sermon would be congratulatory about our church's response, when in fact we did not go far enough), I can also see that RW was also clearly setting his story down for ALL to see and hear, whether individual members were ready to hear or not. This justice story is here, now, in our midst.

Begin again: what goes around, comes (back) around. Every step advances the work. Here's hoping the Current article is published, sooner than late. I am fully committed to petitioning those assembled at Visioning Day to intentionally set about the work of full inclusion at Rec and beyond: in a conscious, loving, open, yet decidedly "planful" way. Hearing out those in support (with their own ideas of how we advance this work), as well as lovingly hearing out those who just cannot see their way there. All the stories need airing. Renewal at Rec ain't just about dollars, cher.

I'm glad that you're sharing your journey. Gotta keep the fire stoked.