Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Ready for something

The kids went ice skating for the first time Saturday. It was a gorgeous day for it. Sonshine had been roller blading this summer and that definitely helped him as he cruised along. While Bella was not her graceful ballerina self as she used her skates like trainers and ran near tip toe across the ice to do a beautiful spin and promptly plop on her behind.

I went snowshoeing that same day on the path that we go biking on in the Summer. I didn't go very far, well not as far as I wanted...just plain outta shape. But it had moments of beauty and moments of ya know you should have turned around like 15 minutes ago. The wife estimates that I'd gone about 3 miles. I wanted so very much to make it to the farm to get to the what is probably now a frozen river (or perhaps partially so).

I'd forgotten that you walk different when you got the snowshoes on. A wider stance, no lazy draggin feet - ya gotta pick em up or ya just make it harder on yourself. I was exhausted by the time I'd walked back to the house.

I do want to go again, but this time I may park closer to the destination I want to get to, so I can take the trail I was hoping to make it too.

Life at church is tension filled, one of the church positions is being cut and that's about all I feel like sayin for now.

It's hard to believe it's February already. Need to start writing my Spiritual Autobiography, been doing a lot of thinking about doing it but not doing it. I like to think there's alot of inner fermenting going on. I keep praying for the right words to express, I should perhaps pray for time when I feel refreshed to write it; and when I do, that the Spirit be with me...though maybe I mean I'm more attuned to the Spirit always being with me. I'm trying not to think too much that perhaps the official journey may begin soon.

Totally random...the Deacon approached me Sunday to tell me that a person I visit really enjoys our visits. And whenever the Deacon smiles, really smiles, it transforms her face and there's well a twinkle in her eyes. So she's smiling like that and telling me about the visits...and I smile back and tell her thank you - hoping that I'm not being too awkward and that my appreciation showed. I've never been good at receiving compliments though I do like getting them.

I took Bella with me on my last visit and she thought one of the lady's looked alot like our Deacon...so when Bella said this I told her I thought so too.

I have piece meal moments of feeling holy connected to my church. I still don't always feel like it's my church, or even my work place for that matter. I find myself hearing myself use language which suggests I'm not really a part of you. They have my works, but not my heart entirely.

It's weird - I want to "fall in love" if you will...but, I keep putting up shepard walls maybe in response to their initial new englander walls. I would like very much for those walls to fall and to feel grounded. And I have this sense inside that it needs to happen soon.

But I've rambled on long enough - good day to you.


alt said...

It’s funny. I read this and I’m blown away by how much you have done: you snowshoed 3 miles (!), your making visits (!), your having complimentary chats with the deacon (!). Yet, when you were writing it, you seemed to be focusing on how much more you want to do. Let yourself appreciate your accomplishments. You’ve done good, kid.

jsd said...

alt: ah sigh, no you're right, and thank you. I've been uneasy at church, with church - not God though, like there's something I'm not doing or maybe I should do; so I'm feeling inadequate...most of it stemming from the church tension.

murat11 said...

jsd: This was a nice ramble, lots of cool images to plunk into my head as I strolled along with you. Musing the second time around on any parallels between the snowshoe ramble and the larger journey...

"A wider stance, no lazy draggin feet - ya gotta pick em up or ya just make it harder on yourself."

Peace/out, sister.

jsd said...

murat: glad you enjoyed the scenery :-) There was a moment when writing, and then a quick reread that there were things I should revisit.

Lee said...

Nice ramble, JS. Was going to suggest that you do the NANOREMO thing to get your spiritual autobiography done, but I'm not sure that is what a spiritual biography deserves. It is a good way to break through writers block though, or so I'm told. Per the language thing of not quite being a part of them, one of the hardest habits I had to break/rebuild was the "we" language when talking about my marriage events after it broke up. I needed to think of Me doing something as a part of my life and not US. By doing so it made me feel stronger for having worked at envisioning myself as a strong person in my own right and that the strong me had maintained through the marriage and not totally disappeared in the breakup. To get better at receiving compliments, practice giving them more.