Monday, February 09, 2009

If left is right and right is left which way do I go

We've started looking at rental houses but realized that most of what we're seeing is "AVAILABLE NOW!" There's only one house we're seriously considering that's available now, but if that falls through I need to just look but not really look until April.

Needing to move is creating alot of anxiety and impatience within me, and not having a clear date for starting discernment is creating lots of big sighs. I'm just plain old frustrated - tired of waiting. Tired of worrying about where we're going to live, and will we be able to find something we can afford that will take pets. Tired of wondering about what's considered early Spring in the land of frost and mud.

I know what I should be telling myself. Relax, be proactive, everything's going to work out...but what if it doesn't? I am proactive. I'm trying to relax. I want to like this place but every time we begin to settle into an 'this place is ok' mode - wham. What message is that? Don't get settled in cause you're not staying? Until you can be settled in no matter what - nothing will be settled? I'm tired of feeling like Job. How about some Paul, or Peter, or Mary Mag?

Everyday you tell me
Everyday you tell me
And there you will be
Everyday I tell you
Where are you? And where am I?
What path, what cross, what well?

Perhaps I should try to write a book about the 12 Steps to Surviving the Discernment Process assuming I survive. Maybe if I start writing it now, it will help me now :-)


alt said...

You’re more up with Bible than I am, but wasn’t Peter crucified upside down and Mary Magdalene lost in the wilderness in a hair shirt before being labeled a whore? If you want to feel like someone else, I suggest you aim a little happier. How about Curious George or Scooby-Doo? No good? Maybe it’s okay to feel like JS and that means being frustrated. Not martyred. Someday some initiate will be whining to you about how hard this discernment thing is and you’ll have that older, wiser smile on your face as you think to yourself, “You big wimp, I survived it all.”

jsd said...

alt: lol - it would be really nice to be in that older wiser space. Sadly, I thought Peter, Paul, and Mary where happier when alive :-)

murat11 said...

jsd: Don't you just hate "looking but not really looking?"

In Godly Play this past Sunday, I compared Peter to a big bumbling St. Bernard, who nevertheless got the keys. I'm sure you'll get the keys, but I don't see you as a St. Bernard. I'm with ALT: gotta pick another superhero.