Friday, April 04, 2008

A Greatful Award

San from A Life with a View awarded me with the Gratitude with Attitude Award. I'm pretty honored to be selected, though in all honesty, I don't feel worthy of the award right now.

I've been struggling lately - trying to understand what it is God wants from me. And everytime I think I've got it figured out, well things go "odd" and I begin to doubt everything.

The only thing I've stopped doubting is that the call is still there, and it doesn't seem to have changed. What feels like keeps changing is how I'm supposed to get there; and where there is, and when. I still think there's a move coming this year, but to where? The wife still feels like VTs the place, and in the beginning it felt right and good. And I need to remember that and hold on to that and be grateful for that. But, the struggle for me to find a job is wearing the luster pretty thin.

Part of the problem is my full-time job has been so emotionally and physically draining for more months then I want to count backwards to, then adding on top of that job searching, planning for all the maybes, spending time with my family, and trying to do the things that keep me feeling healthy - has quite frankly drained my reserves. Have you ever seen ground that is so dry that it splits itself apart? That's me, I just don't know how to end my own drought.

I keep reminding myself that with God's help anything is possible, I keep reminding myself to be grateful, I keep reminding myself to surrender.

I don't have 12 blogs to pass the award onto, but I do have some gratitude I'd like to share:

1. My Wife - for loving me in spite of me
2. Murat - for your friendship, for you just as you are
3. Lee - for your protectiveness, for you just as you are
4. San - for your thoughtfulness, humor, and art
5. ALT - for supporting the D4, and caring about my wife
6. A.Mc. - for her daily prayers for me and generous heart
7. J.K. - for listening to me vent and bitch
8. A.J. - for his peculiar way of showing he really does care
9. A.T. - for always lending a helping hand
10. My wife's parents - for helping us and loving us
11. T.K. (Murat's wife) - for your friendship, for speaking out
12. And to all those who have ever struggled and never quit


murat11 said...

GREAT-ful thou art.

A question born of complete ignorance: Why not just go to ETSS unsponsored? I know there's the "minor" (not) detail of paying for it, but through all this labyrinthine walkabout, is this perhaps an option worth exploring? Is there a way to work from the inside out (ETSS to the world), rather than the outside in (VT to ETSS)?

Whatever the case, we need a Big Rain for that dry dust:

Last Night Was a Big Rain

Last night was a big rain
I curled myself into an “o”
In the front seat you were talking
to my boyfriend
as I slipped into the sky.

Last night when the sky split
I was sailing as you drove along
Talking about Kovacs
And singing those Johnny Cash songs
I hovered above you
The rain bouncing on my back
Stopping at the red light
You turned to explain…

Last night as I flew around
The sky took me in and told me
A dream
With a fist full of flowers
Wrapped up
In a blanket of blue.

And last night for the first time
In a long time
I let myself fly
The heart beat of your talking
Kept me anchored to the backseat
I was:
Sister to the shadows
My thoughts silent wings
Rider of the rainclouds
Just until the light
Turned green.

And last night when you told me
You’re so glad I’m so down to earth
Laughing, we were laughing
As I wiped the cold rain from my sleeve

Last night was a big rain
I found myself searching again
For something inside me
That no one can give or take away…

-Sara Hickman (Austin girl)


San said...

Beautiful passing of the gratitude torch, JS.

We all doubt, and it's so healthy to express those doubts. It's really silly to put on a smiley face when life is getting to you. Never for a moment feel that you are unworthy. Your supportive comments over at my place ALWAYS make me feel good. Supporting others when you don't feel that great about the current state your own life--that is indicative of a generous spirit.

CrazyCath said...

Hi - I came over from San's after she listed you for this award. I think your blog is wonderfully honest and open as you deal with the issues that matter to you.

Your faith and desire to please God and follow His will is commendable. Maybe he wants you to be where you are right now? I don't know - I don't know enough about what is going on for you. But I DO know that God loves us all, including YOU, and sometimes his message is not what we want to hear so that is sometimes why we don't understand. (I know from experience). I find if I stop resisting, it becomes clear. I'm not suggesting you are resisting God's will - as I said I do not know enough about you to comment really. That is just my experience.

I hope everything turns out right for you. Congratulations on your award and best wishes for you and your family.

jsd said...

murat: The reason I haven't just gone to ETSS, is because if you go unsponsor (meaning you don't go through the discernment process) then the chances of finding a bishop who will ordain you after 3 years of seminary become very slim. It is one of my options, but not an ideal one.

Thank You very much for the big rain, perhaps I should have read this before going to church this morning - it mean have eased the pain.

jsd said...

San: thank you..."Your supportive comments over at my place ALWAYS make me feel good."...ditto, ditto, ditto.

jsd said...

crazycath: thanks for stopping by...thank you for your well wishes too.

...there where words at church today that reminded me about joy and sorrow, about needing to be empty to allow ourselves to be filled by God, about getting to that point where one can surrender again to God's will...

...there's so much of this journey that has been and still is has not been the journey I had imagined :-)

Lee said...

Thanks, JS. Don't know how much good my protectiveness does you. I know you have to walk the path you are destined to walk. And I think you are on the right one. It just may not be the short sweet path you imagine. Mine isn't the one I imagined for me either. And I think that knowing you has been a major part of me being able to deal with that. Who knows where our paths will take us? I'm only sure that God will lead us to the right place eventually. Weren't you the one who told me that it was all about the journey?


jsd said...

lee: "Weren't you the one who told me that it was all about the journey?" - it sounds like something I would say, and it's true - but some days it would be nice if the journey had better road signs no?

I try to remind myself that the journey is just as important as the destination - that that's what gives the "arrival" the "sweetness".

Lee said...

Oh Yeah! Short and sweet with lot of clear cut signs would be very nice. But then the maybe the mystery that is so cool about God wouldn't be there. I keep wondering, How many lives we will touch on our journeys? Whatever happens I know it will work out for the best. Maybe there is growth or a waiting for other things to be set in place. God's plans NEVER affect just us...that's what makes it so hard to see them all. Have you tried the being still thing?