What's On Your Desktop

Oh my...it's really rather sad...the default IBM display. There was a time when it was a Fall day with a red, red barn...a moon on the horizon...the house with the colors of Mexico...but alas, my work computer seems incapable of holding any image but - the default. Nor does my computer at home have anything but the default displayed. Perhaps the time has come to change the default display.

As an aside, we went up and got my new job blessed and our move to Vermont blessed this past Sunday. My pastor surprised me in a good way...he told the congregation the truth about why we were moving. So here's his big cyber "Thank You".

I'm 98% certain we've managed to find a rental home. But the deposit check goes into the mail tonight once I'm 100% certain. The wife continues to job search and interview.

And what the wife calls "sticker shock" has begun to ebb. I've had to work through some of my own "not enough money" demons. In that I grew up low middle class, and I didn't want that for my children, so I've some processing to do. Cause quite frankly the downward slide hasn't stopped yet. We'll hit the low end of the curve come seminary (assuming it comes). But, as I long as I can keep them clothed, fed, and sheltered; hopefully love will make up for the rest.

Blessings to y'all.

I'm...Elinor Dashwood, who's she??

Take the Quiz here!

I must admit to not having read the book, but did not want to pass up an opportunity to take a SA gang quiz.

It's almost off to Vermont

Well, I got the job!!!! The guys I'll be working with are great, and the rest of the staff seems really nice as well. Everything about this visit to Vermont was different from my last experience. Plus I got to visit with a person I made contact with in VT way in the beginning of this journey, and that was pretty awesome too.

Now the planning starts, already called the movers, need to put my notice in (boss out for morning), and oh my gosh - trying to figure out COBRA insurance stuff for the two months without coverage between 2 states; this process is probably going to be the most stressful part of moving.

Thank you for the prayers and well wishes...more updates as things progress...

Tibet

I recently watched a documentary about Tibet - it left me very sad...

...this wasn't the documentary but it has much of the same information:



...injustice, oppression, pain - no translation needed:


http://www.savetibet.org/

For more than 50 years the Tibetans have suffered at the hands of the Chinese government. In the last several weeks as Tibetans have stood up to their rights, thousands of Tibetans, including Buddhist monks and nuns, have been detained, arrested, interrogated or tortured and more than a hundred are reported to have been killed.

Join me and ask President Bush to stand up for the people of Tibet. The Dalai Lama and the people of Tibet need your help!

Take Action!
https://secure2.convio.net/ict/site/Advocacy?id=109&pagename=homepage

Some Pics of Mine

I took these a couple weeks ago, and just got around to getting them developed:

Sometimes you just wanna...

There was a gathering last night at the church I go to (the group rotates its meeting places) who are GLBT Episcopals who want to bring compassion, understanding, and change to the Diocese we are apart of.

There's this one priest who is always there and does an incredible job of alienating people. T.K. called him an ego bully, and I have to agree. This is the same guy who called me a heretic.

He seems to think that the only way to get things (e.g., the bishop) to change his mind is to present the GLBT case with logic arugements...sigh...he doesn't get that it can't only be about logic. Logic by itself rarely touches the heart, and more often it is the heart that changes the mind. He refuses to validate those of us who hold the belief that change comes through giving issues a human face. He refuses to acknowledge that logic doesn't heal, but invalidates the person who is hurting - it twists and places all resposibility/blame on the person who is hurting.

Back story: T.K. is writting a letter to the bishop about her own spritual journey and the pain she sees with mine (she does not use my name in the letter), she's also hoping that people who feel the same will sign the letter. She's attempting to bring heart to the logic, she's trying to take what's happening out of the realm of the abstract and make it real. All of which she explained to the priest. And he proceeded to tell her that won't work and no deserves ordaination just because they want to. So, when he finished talking, I replied pretty angerly that the letter was about me, and that I'm not looking to "get ordained" but what makes me angery and what is wrong is that I can't even enter into the discernment process here because I'm gay.

I went up to him afterwards and said, you know I don't think I deserve to be ordained, but I do deserve the opportunity to discern, and I know that won't happen here, so I'm taking steps to be somewhere I can go through the process. I shouldn't have even wasted my energy on him - he was just insulting - I had to walk away from the guy.

What makes me most sick is that he thinks he's helping "us" - that he's a guy who really cares about being a reconciler - he's just a dickhead. Who doesn't see the harm in telling a room full of people who have suffered discrimation that their pain isn't valid, you can't tell your stories you idiots, you must use logic.

Well, he can kiss my illogical ass.

The latest news

I've discovered that 50+ work weeks kick my butt...I looked in the mirror this morning and my first thought was wow you look like shit. Maybe it'll wear off with some sun.

My telephone interview yesterday went really well. It was a very different experience from the first company. It was more like a conference call in that the company had the IT director in the room as well as the IT guys I'd be working with on the call too. Then they proceeded to first tell me about themselves, and then ask me if I had questions about them - pretty cool. The next part was typical interview stuff - tell me about what you do, how do you see that work translate into the work we do stuff. Then they told me that they're still interviewing people but I'd hear from them within the next week or so, and would I like a phone call or email (I said email since my phone will be mostly off the next two weeks since I have clients in town Monday). Even if I don't get the job - it lifted my spirits - that nice reminder that not all companies treat potential employees like doodoo.

Another position I applied for emailed to say I'm under consideration - so maybe just maybe there's hope yet.

4 legged meme

Chrysalis Dreams memes. Meme-droid that I also am, I join the frayed:

4 Jobs:
1. I’m in the Army.
2. I’ll cash out and flip that burger.
3. Let me stock your stuff.
4. Analyze this please.

4 Movies I watch over and over:
1. Bound.
2. Fire.
3. Imagine You & Me.
4. Dancer in the Dark.

4 Places I’ve lived:
1. Michigan.
2. Korea.
3. Panama.
4. Texas.

4 People I would give a Fred Flintstone vitamin to (sorry, can’t go with the BSRITMONW option):
1. Son.
2. Daugther.
3. Wife.
4. Self.

4 People who email me regularly:
1. CareerBuilder.
2. Monster.com.
3. Lee.
4. Cousin.

4 TV shows I watch (“Fiction”):
1. Top Chef.
2. Workout.
3. Cold Case.
4. Hmmm,…

4 TV shows I watch (“Nonfiction”):
1. Top Chef.
2. Workout.
3. Nature.
4. Um,…

4 Places I’ve visited:
1. Peru.
2. Alaska.
3. Washington D.C.
4. New York.

4 Favorite foods:
1. Tacos.
2. Donuts.
3. Bananas.
4. Ice Cream.

4 “Wheres” I’d like to be right now:
1. Adirondacks, NY.
2. Burlington, VermonT.
3. Albuquerque, New Mexico.
4. New Zealand.

4 Things I’m looking forward to this year:
1. New job.
2. The return of the size 34 waist and muscles.
3. Read my pile of books.
4. Sunshine.

a whole lotta nothin

Once empty careful what you fill with

Look how far I can stick my hand in the cracks

Tread on me lightly

Perhaps the view would be better if I lay face down

Don't pull with your arms push with your legs

Really what good is a compass without a map

What good is a map if you don't know where you are

I want to lie with the tree that fell by itself in the forest - face down

If I keep pushing maybe I'll break through

Sometimes I miss the frozen lake and the hollowing wind

A Greatful Award

San from A Life with a View awarded me with the Gratitude with Attitude Award. I'm pretty honored to be selected, though in all honesty, I don't feel worthy of the award right now.

I've been struggling lately - trying to understand what it is God wants from me. And everytime I think I've got it figured out, well things go "odd" and I begin to doubt everything.

The only thing I've stopped doubting is that the call is still there, and it doesn't seem to have changed. What feels like keeps changing is how I'm supposed to get there; and where there is, and when. I still think there's a move coming this year, but to where? The wife still feels like VTs the place, and in the beginning it felt right and good. And I need to remember that and hold on to that and be grateful for that. But, the struggle for me to find a job is wearing the luster pretty thin.

Part of the problem is my full-time job has been so emotionally and physically draining for more months then I want to count backwards to, then adding on top of that job searching, planning for all the maybes, spending time with my family, and trying to do the things that keep me feeling healthy - has quite frankly drained my reserves. Have you ever seen ground that is so dry that it splits itself apart? That's me, I just don't know how to end my own drought.

I keep reminding myself that with God's help anything is possible, I keep reminding myself to be grateful, I keep reminding myself to surrender.

I don't have 12 blogs to pass the award onto, but I do have some gratitude I'd like to share:

1. My Wife - for loving me in spite of me
2. Murat - for your friendship, for you just as you are
3. Lee - for your protectiveness, for you just as you are
4. San - for your thoughtfulness, humor, and art
5. ALT - for supporting the D4, and caring about my wife
6. A.Mc. - for her daily prayers for me and generous heart
7. J.K. - for listening to me vent and bitch
8. A.J. - for his peculiar way of showing he really does care
9. A.T. - for always lending a helping hand
10. My wife's parents - for helping us and loving us
11. T.K. (Murat's wife) - for your friendship, for speaking out
12. And to all those who have ever struggled and never quit

Back from trip two

I keep wondering if perhaps I should hold off from posting...but...my trip was ok. The company doesn't sit on as high a horse anymore but at least it still sits on a horse ;-)

My immediate reaction once I left the building was "I just don't know" - I just don't know what they think of me, nor I of them. My next day reaction is that I spent alot of time defending myself. They're worried I won't know how to work within a small company, that I work as part of a team [I got dinged for using "we do" and not "I do"] One of the managers was a little put off that I asked what was next step in the process is, anyways...I may know something by the end of April.

I allowed myself to feel very insecure about my capabilities, so I'm feeling pretty down about the trip, the state, all of it - pretty pathetic on my part huh - so little faith. So, I told the wife she has to carry the love for the move for awhile.

The trip just wasn't what I was hoping for I guess, and I'm exhausted which doesn't help.

Thank you all for your prayers and support.