Thursday, November 20, 2008

And she's down for the count

So - sometimes God just sucks. My family and I were finally getting into a groove, and then the landlord calls to say that they're thinking of possibly selling the house we're renting. The wife and I so don't want to move again...only to maybe be moving again. My perserverance well has finally gone dry. I am just bone tired. I had an email conversation with a friend who works where I used to work...and quite frankly I'm ready to throw the towel in...I give up. It really doesn't and didn't need to be this hard. If this is a test - I flunk. If this was a lesson for me to learn - I refuse. I am done. I am done. I am done. I don't even want to think about reasons why I should change my mind...but, I'll try. We'll see what a couple of weeks of soul searching will bring.

I feel like a bloodied boxer who only has one more round to go, and is down on the mat...hearing, slap - 1, slap - 2, slap - 3, slap - I really want to get back up? Can I really emulate Moses? Can I push through yet one more wall? And I just don't know.

This place has changed me, aged me, wearied me...the things that nurtured me just aren't here. How much more sacrificing?

Plan B is looking so good right now.


Sarah S-D said...


one of my pastors here spoke tonight of moments like this in life, the moments when faith is truly required. i thought then of weeping through advents in recent years past, weeping at the end of every month, and of recent groaning towards the sky when I had trouble writing a paper... and thought... wow... I need my faith to grow. i'm not suggesting you do, but i pray that you will find whatever strength you require to help you through this valley.

Angela said...

Oh, I am so sorry you are feeling this way!

I don't know what to say, but as always: You and family are constantly in our thoughts and prayers. I know you are tired, but I am convinced that you will make the right decision for your family.

Let us k now if you need anything!

jsd said...

sarah: thank you for sharing...and my faith, the ability to believe is getting strained. none of what is/has gone on is particularly horrible but there's not been enough space in between - enough space to reflect and relax, absorb and move on...just a string of unfortunate mishaps within my secular life. In the midst of all these mishaps my church life here is taking hold and growing, I can see that other people perhaps "see" - things are going alright...things appear to be "on track". And that in itself is confusing.

angela: thank you for the confidence. thank you for the offer.

murat11 said...

I'm saddened for you all that another hurdle has come your way: Moses indeed: understandable if golden calves start looking better every day.

When you get through this curlicued labyrinth, be sure and ask WTF, if it's not already clear by then.

What do those around you say about the twists and turns of such a journey? Is it the same for one and all? (I doubt this.) For those whose road is full of twists and turns, what can they say about the purpose, once they are farther up the road?

Love to all of you.

jsd said...

murat: the golden calf looks incredibly enticing but as much as I want the calf - I want the call more, so we'll see how much more bend is left.