Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Transparency and Authenticity

I haven't posted in a very long while. So here's a go at returning...

I told "my seminary" and my fellow seminarians last week that I won't be returning next Fall.

Things here didn't work out; I had hoped that perhaps they would. But I eventually had to let go of that hope and make concrete plans for the sake of my family and my own future.

The journey of this year has taught me alot about myself and institutions. I've learned to listen for what isn't said as closely as to what is spoken; both hold volumes of meaning. I've learned to get it in writing :) I've learned that when a community can't speak truths it poisons all other interactions. I've re-learned being gay in the South requires alot of patience on my part. I've learned in the midst of struggles and pain there is still deep love. I've learned to love a community of people who are very different from me with whom I spend more time with then my family. I've re-learned to be the sound of the voice of the other, and I am thankful for that. I'm learning a theological vocabulary, and finding my theological context. There's more I've learned but, I think will find it's way out over time and distance. My wife learned she could let go of what was once home and to discover home had become somewhere else. They're won't be any I wonder what if around leaving here, for which I am thankful.

It took alot of time to work through the guilt of moving my kiddos again. It took alot of time to let go of the anger and frustration of broken and avoided promises. But now when people say I hear you're leaving, I smile and say yeah, I'm excited about the change.


Lee said...

So what are you going to do, JS? This doesn't quite sound like you're giving up on priesthood. Are you instead aiming for completing that walk in an area where folk are more liberal? Don't blame you in the least if you find it more agreeable in places where you can walk with your head high. Whatever you are planning my prayers will be with you.


jsd said...

Ah, when I did some editing of the post I left out my plans, oops.

I'll be going to another seminary in the Fall in the NE. I'm really excited about the change.

Alot of planning for the move and job finding for the wife...but most of that starts in May after the semester here is over.