Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Scared but hopeful

It's been a couple of really emotional weeks. I was so distracted at the Sunday service, my body was there but not much else. I had hoped for solace, but instead left feeling like I was failing, have failed. I've taken big leaps in my life, but they've been planned and well organized. This leap, oh this leap has so much faith wrapped up into it. Because as of right now, all I know is that I'll be leaving with my family mid-July. I know where we'll be during our 3-nights/4-days of driving. I know where we'll be for a week after that. I know when school starts.

I've never not known where I would be working or where I would be living. But there's been glimmers of hope. And then there's myself and how I respond to all of this. So, I'm going to quit beating myself up for being scared, and for the tears. But I'm also going to allow myself to feel hopeful and faithful and not let the darker negative feelings have my ear all day making me feel like an idiot.

I'm going to read a book given to me as a Christmas present, "The Lord is My Sheppard" by Harold S. Kushner; I'm going to keep reading Martin Luther King; I'm going to keep praying even when I feel like I'm faking it. I will let light back into my heart. I will continue to believe until I'm proven wrong.

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