Scared but hopeful

It's been a couple of really emotional weeks. I was so distracted at the Sunday service, my body was there but not much else. I had hoped for solace, but instead left feeling like I was failing, have failed. I've taken big leaps in my life, but they've been planned and well organized. This leap, oh this leap has so much faith wrapped up into it. Because as of right now, all I know is that I'll be leaving with my family mid-July. I know where we'll be during our 3-nights/4-days of driving. I know where we'll be for a week after that. I know when school starts.

I've never not known where I would be working or where I would be living. But there's been glimmers of hope. And then there's myself and how I respond to all of this. So, I'm going to quit beating myself up for being scared, and for the tears. But I'm also going to allow myself to feel hopeful and faithful and not let the darker negative feelings have my ear all day making me feel like an idiot.

I'm going to read a book given to me as a Christmas present, "The Lord is My Sheppard" by Harold S. Kushner; I'm going to keep reading Martin Luther King; I'm going to keep praying even when I feel like I'm faking it. I will let light back into my heart. I will continue to believe until I'm proven wrong.

This is gonna hurt like...

Well, I found out how much aid I can get from the seminary...not much. If the wife is able to find a job, and I can get part-time work, and we have a little leftover from the move, and we take out a very small personal loan, and we get food stamps, and rent is less then $1100, and we are able to get some outside help...then we can eek by our first year.

Not at all certain how to make the 2nd and 3rd year work out, but shoot that's definitely putting the cart before the dying horse.

"School Certified" are magical words, cause if they're not then no private student loans for you -- you are denied. FASFA bah, who needs fasfa. We want to force you to get creative. I have discovered the cliff of my financial creativity.

So we head out soon into a very scary world of unknowing and ambiguity, hoping and praying to God that I'm not and have not brought my family to the edge of a well (reference to story about monks and brother monks).

Song to self

Sermon and Such

Sigh, sigh, sigh...I'll start with the things that make me sigh first. There's nothing like thinking a thing is resolved one way to find out somewhere along the way things changed on you. So that's creating an immense amount of stress at my house right now. The Wife is still looking for a job, she's a trooper; she's put alot applications out there so far...one nibble would've most likely been a hire you except she couldn't start in two weeks. She's an interview for sometime in early July (they'll get back in touch with her as it gets closer). The Realtor still hasn't found us a place to rent yet. I'm starting to realize I'm not one of those people for whom things go easy, more like it's always uphill slogging through 3 feet of mud.

I preached today, for the first time, and my sermon was really well received. It touched people, it got inside, and they laughed at the appropriate places. I couldn't keep the shakes out of my hands and knees, good thing for robes and lecterns :) But I was able to keep my voice clear and strong, you would not have known from my voice, face, or posture that I was nervous.

So for the next few days I'll try to let the well-done, the powerful, the moving, the wonderful witness within me, allow myself to cherish this moment. To cherish the affirmation that indeed there is a powerful voice inside me.

Irony Anyone?

EFM and Preaching

It's hard to believe I'll be completing EFM in another month...4 years of once a week classes from Sept-June. I've truly enjoyed it, I've learned alot about my own personal theology, I've had my beliefs stretched, and I've gotten to know an amazing bunch of folks.

In a couple of weeks I'll preach my first sermon as a Postulant. It was hinted that I should share my story, so I will. I've now got 5 possible endings 3 of which I don't really like now. I've tweaked it through a 4th revision, and I think after I read it aloud tonight to my wife I'm going to leave it alone for a few days. Then I'll add the visual queues for pauses and emphasis. I really hope it doesn't stink and that it's better then okay. My wife thinks it's really good, but she loves me, though she would tell me if it was a stinker.

I was thinking of having my wife video record it, but that may make me to nervous for my first sermon. But, I have asked that she be ready to let me know how the delivery goes :)

Peace and Blessings