Onward Towards a New Year

Christmas was at once hectic and long as well as slow and peaceful. I worked part of Christmas Eve then headed home in time for the 4 o'clock Christmas pageant (our daughter was the donkey - for whatever reason she enjoys being the donkey) and me ushering. Then we went home had our Christmas meal opened presents put enjoyed each others company, then got the kids into bed, and I headed off to the late Christmas service to usher and EM at communion.

I got home after midnight to find that Santa's helper was having major difficulties getting the wagon assembled. We made it to bed sometime before 2am. The kids woke up at 5:30am - they were very excited about their Santa presents to which the parents replied "oh good, but it's too early to be up". So, the kiddos played with their new gifts and watched their new videos until a more respectable 6:30am. Then it was off to church at 10am. It turns out the service was lightly attended so me and the daughter ushered together. She was great and it was so sweet to do that together.

The rest of the week was this easy pace of doing this and that without the usual rush to and fro. There was only one day when the kiddos drove themselves and their parents completely nuts by the end of the day.

The pace was so relaxed that by 8:30pm I was totally wiped out. I would fall completely asleep while the wife read to the kiddos...then she would wake me up and we'd watch episodes of Season 5 of the L Word (a xmas gift). We also watched an excellent movie "In the Company of Strangers" - well actually the wife watched all of it - I fell asleep (go figure).

And we had this fantastic and uncharacteristically warm weather. Our ideas about what's warm and what's not are beginning to morph to fit our more northern abode...ya gotta shake your head in wonder when you think 45 degrees is warm. The sun even managed a short but welcome visit.

If you want a sense of Burlington there's a book called "The Dream of a White Village" - it was written by a UVM professor who still lives in Burlington. And in some sense, what he wrote about then (published in 1994) still mostly holds.

There's still this tension about how I feel about Burlington and Vermont, but it's becoming more healthy, more socially justice inclined as opposed to this place is going to be the death of me feeling. I don't feel trapped anymore. Sometimes I lay in bed and get this surreal feeling - like wow, I'm actually in Vermont and not Texas.

I've begun a more consistent mediating cycle again, and doing the spiritual things that I did in Tejas that "fed me". I got Borg's "The Heart of Christianity" and this feels like one of the final pieces of healing that needed to be in place. The last is a continually reaffirming/reminding myself that the type of person I am and the type of priest I envision myself to be is ok. And the more I relax into that the healthier I feel. I am beginning to trust again - to faith again.

I have two new year's resolutions:
1. Begin working on my spiritual autobiography and discernment questions.
2. I don't think I can change the cup is half empty part of me, but I can change how I respond to that point of view. I can use this view to positive end results.

Merry Christmas

I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas and safe travels.

We've been blessed and surprised by the gifts that just keep coming. We've gotten to know our mailman a little bit, and yesterday he had dropped off a package from my Aunt, and then returned a little while later with another package..."I thought I was done with my route and there was this other package for you - seems they just keep coming."

It seems they just keep coming...my family and I have such fabulous friends and family, I wish we were as fabulous as they.

Adult Ed - An Advent Reflection

So I had been tagged to teach an Adult Ed Advent Reflection prior to my camel's broken back moment; by the time I actually had to teach it I was in recovery.

I struggled with what I could possibly say - what could I reflect upon that wouldn't ooze anger, pain, and confusion. What could I say without turning the class into JSD's personal rant and/or therapy moment.

So, I went the safe route...I turned to my books looked up the meaning of Advent, then my commentary to look up what it had to say about the readings, and left my reflections on the light (read detached side). And since I'm just beginnging to regain my shaky spiritual equalibrium I stuck to this plan.

I went through the readings and my monologue and then opened it up for questions. In the end the piece that caught people where two things I hadn't even thought to discuss which was the church calendar overlaying our secular calendar and what a gift that had been for me. And the second topic was about rules of life which was sort of planned for because of 1 Thes.'s reading (a 91 word pocket rule-of-life) but not to the detail that I went into.

But, for three people they heard something they needed to hear. Person one to the wife, "tell JSD that her class was really good and she's left me with lots of questions to think about". Person two, what's a rule of life...how does it work. I think that's just what I'm looking for, that might be it to her husband. Person three, I should have been in here. I'm sorry I came in late. I was having these other conversations but what I needed to hear was you. This was so real, it was really real.

All I can say to them all is thank you. I felt that their comments afterwards gave me more then I could possibly have given in my class written from a place of pain looking for safety, but well really it was the conversation outside that framework that I think maybe made connections...cause I was speaking from my own unguarded self...talking about relationships...and perhaps in time and in some other space talking about one's wounds will feel ok here.

In a totally different conversation the day before I told a fellow EFMer what it was I couldn't share at EFM. It shocked her cause she's discerning too, but she listened. And when I said I just don't know how honest to be in those things (touch base time), she replied, yeah me neither - I thought it was really brave of you to say that there was something so painful that you couldn't talk about it was really brave. I laughed and told her thank you because I had felt like a really big chicken.

There's alot here for me to distill through. Peace into the fourth week of advent.

Friday Fhankful Five

1. For all the people who love me even though I don't always make that easy.
2. That I didn't break the shovel this morning, like I did the snow scraper.
3. That my in-laws are awesome.
4. That the software I've been testing is almost out the door.
5. That today has been a good day and not an unfortunate one.

p.s. And thank you San for the blog award - ya helped make my day.

A Series of Unfortunate Events + A Sprinkling of Perspective + A Dash Sass

I've decided that the book series titled "A Series of Unfortunate Events" has come to describe my life currently. But at least in my version none of the unfortunate events involves someone trying to kill me and mine.

My canoe with no oars has passed the latest set of rapids...I'm currently drying my drenched self - thank goodness for wool; warm even if wet. But, awefully stinky...eewweee ;-)

I've come to doubt everything...but still managing to hold onto my thread of a lifeline to God. We're ok...I'm reading "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People" a must read for someone living in the midst of a series of unfortunate events.

Can I rebuild my relationship with God in time? Can I find my voice of call that shivers in Sunday School class (or here commonly called Adult Ed)? Can I let go of doubt and worry, and sit instead with wonder and hope?

I need a new table and some different guests, all whom I seem to be finding but not at church. I'm finding the people who care in VT are not in my religious circle, well no there's one retired preist and his wife. But, maybe that is how it should be...this isn't a church that sees itself as a family but more like social justice avengers with no headquarters to return to when weary and in need of rest. Where they find their solace and lick their wounds I do not know...maybe at the Duncin Dougnuts across the street.

Trip Upon Thyself and Voice of an Other Generation Avenger away - Peace out, 2 Chest Bumps, and 1 Fist Knock...damn, that wasn't the combination to Wonder Woman's jet - oh hey wait I can't walk on water yet - shit there goes the canoe...catch y'all later.

I Tag Thy Self

Seven unuasal things about me...hmmm, maybe I can change the tag if I can't think of 7 things.

1. My first name rhymes with Scoobey Doo, and since I blog annonymously have fun.

2. I grew up calling sliding doors - door walls...I think it's just a Michigan thing. The first time I said door wall in a sentence my wife looked at me funny.

3. My right foot is bigger then my left foot which makes finding shoes a royal pain in the butt. To add insult to injury my right foot also has plantar fasciitis.

4. I know how to say I like the way you wiggle your ass in Korean. Ah those where the so-ju days.

5. I didn't win any awards until my time in the military. Suprisingly, I was quite a good soldier - it just wasn't for me...you being gay and all.

6. I don't not know how to read a tape measure past wholes, quarters and halfs. When my wife learned of this she lovingly told me how sorry she felt for me.

7. I've purposefully pushed myself into a crevise just to have to then climb right back out of it. A crevise is an eerily beautiful space to occupy (well as long as you're attached to a rope). The hardest part was the last two feet, because my body weight and backpack dangled off my hip 5 feet below me kept digging the rope deeper and deeper into the snow bank around the edge. It's very hard to get your mittened fingers between the rope and the snow and push this thingy (I can't remember the technical terms anymore) up which would then inch me literaly up an inch (or however much I was able to move it). It took close to an hour to climb up 10 feet.

An addition since things aren't quite so flux

Well, I tried my best to walk away, call it quits. If I had been able to get my old job back that would have been the end of the journey. But, not so...the door I knew was closed had a moment of oasis...but that's all it was - an oasis.

For better or worse...the path is set. Where eventual discernment (assuming this ever happens - maybe Spring, maybe not) will lead to a yea or nay. I continue to be humbled or perhaps buckled is a better word. Either way some time in prayer is vastly needed. I haven't trusted myself to talk to Him, nor was I in a place a week ago to trust Him. The trust piece is still a little shakey, but I'm now more willing to believe my journey here is not meant to be a waste, that no matter what the outcome it will add value to my life - and not subtract from the quality of life of my family.

Somehow, the events leading towards the end of my day have brought a calmness of spirit, a groundedness. I know this feeling within myself is fleeting - so for now I will enjoy the feeling of being present with God.

So what do you do when you and God are looking at each other funny?

Put your head in the sand.

Ok, well, that doesn't really help. I could write a whole bunch or not much...and as things are influx...I'll opt for not saying much.

Peace.

Happy Thanksgiving

So to all a good night...oh, oh, hmmm...yes.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

I thought perhaps to list all the things I'm thankful for, but alas no - my mood is just too snarky.

Break a leg - I mean wishbone for me.

Responding to a Tag

The tag goes like this: Explain why the books are essential reads, in 30 words or less. (For maximum fun, try for 30 words exactly).

(a) Fiction book
(b) Autobiography
(c) Non-fiction book
(d) A fourth book of your choice, from any genre

Fiction: The Death of Ivan Ilyich. Is this perhaps where the deathbed question of knowing whether you’ve lived a life filled with regret stems from? And the price one sometimes pays when they lose their voice.

Autobiography: Does thinly veiled fiction count? Anis Nin’s Incest – a reminder about narcissism. Jack Kerouac's On the Road – hmm, more about narcissism.

Non-Fiction: Why We Can’t Wait. He’s one of my heroes. When I daydream about writing sermons, he’s one person I want to emulate.

Fourth: Bible. While reading the whole book, there where all these moments oh whoa that phrase comes from here and here and wow who needs a self-help book when you’ve got the Bible.

snow

There was a light blanket of snow this morning...our daughter as she wakes us to words of “you went to bed and it snowed. Look see [she opens the blinds wide].” And there it is snow. The wife says snow is different then what she imagined (remember she’s a born Texan)…it’s cleaner then she thought.

Got some work done on the adult ed reflection piece I'm to teach. Looking forward to our daughter's first have a friend sleep over. Even looking forward to the cold ass walk to the library. Then coming home to hot chocolate with fruit flavored marshmellows (daughter's pick based on color), and then later nachos or maybe tacos if we decide to make homemade tortillas.

I need to do some EM prep, but my heart's not there for that task - most likely will find any excuse not to do this.

Would like to crochet today as well.

And she's down for the count

So - sometimes God just sucks. My family and I were finally getting into a groove, and then the landlord calls to say that they're thinking of possibly selling the house we're renting. The wife and I so don't want to move again...only to maybe be moving again. My perserverance well has finally gone dry. I am just bone tired. I had an email conversation with a friend who works where I used to work...and quite frankly I'm ready to throw the towel in...I give up. It really doesn't and didn't need to be this hard. If this is a test - I flunk. If this was a lesson for me to learn - I refuse. I am done. I am done. I am done. I don't even want to think about reasons why I should change my mind...but, I'll try. We'll see what a couple of weeks of soul searching will bring.

I feel like a bloodied boxer who only has one more round to go, and is down on the mat...hearing, slap - 1, slap - 2, slap - 3, slap - 4...do I really want to get back up? Can I really emulate Moses? Can I push through yet one more wall? And I just don't know.

This place has changed me, aged me, wearied me...the things that nurtured me just aren't here. How much more sacrificing?

Plan B is looking so good right now.

Presbyterians - A Call to Knit their Way to the Passage of Amendment 08-B

The wife and I are currently knitting and crocheting scarves for his effort. Here's some information from the website:

There are many reasons why the 218th General Assembly took such wonderful steps toward ending discrimination in the church against our LGBT sisters and brothers. All agree that one of them was the wonderful witness of the hand knitted rainbow scarves, which you created, which were seen everywhere at General Assembly!

Now we are asking you to once again get out your knitting needles and yarn to help approve Amendment 08-B in the presbyteries!

A Call to Knit and Pray Our Way to Passage of Amendment 08-B.

G-6.0106b in the Book of Order has discriminated against people who are LGBT in the church since it was approved in 1997. The 218th GA in San Jose this year approved the "Boston Overture" which replaces G-6.0106b with language that better reflects our Presbyterian tradition and removes language that was used to discriminate against people who are LGBT. The Boston Overture is now called Amendment 08-B and it needs to be approved by a majority of Presbyteries in order to be adopted into the Book of Order.

That's where you come in. We're asking people who support LGBT equality to once again knit rainbow scarves to send a message of LGBT equality to minister and elder commissioners in the Presbyteries. As we've seen, knitting can be a powerful force for justice in this church.

More information and instructions for creating the scarves go here: http://www.mlp.org/article.php?story=knittinginthepresbyteries

Spiritual Direction with Supertramp

San to answer a question from a comment I posted on your blog...my SD asked me to visualize what my journey looked like at that point in time. So, I used crayons (or colors if your from Texas) and I drew a circle, within the circle I drew a flowly/flowing figure holding a shepherd's staff walking through the desert.

Prop 8 and Keith Olbermann

Change but Not Everything Does

I'm very excited by the possibilities - it's been a long time since the U.S. has truly had an inspiring President, and then there's the down side...Prop 8 passes in California, Arkansas bans gay adoption. Palin is greeted in Alaska to the chants of Palin in 2012 - I really hope she's not the direction the Republican Party wants to continue to go.

I wish that religion could be "used" in a radically healing and uniting way instead of creating the great divides of hostility.

I wish that religion and politics could begin to be used for universal good.

Maybe My Brian is Like Processed Cheese

Hmm...perhaps my title says it all :-) Mind you I like processed cheese...I miss cheese. It's one of the foods my body can't handle well anymore. But, my most favoritist way to eat Craft American Singles with 2% Milk is melted, melted cheese sandwiches with the cheese oozing out the sides with each bite...or perhaps dipped gently into tomato soup with rice...ahhh, does the heart good ;-)

As a kid food was more a necessity of life. We ate the same meal every week based on the day of the week, and often there was only enough for one serving. It wasn't until the I joined the militray were food suddenly wasn't in short supply. Generous portions and variety...it was for me a taste explosion. Then creating my own recipes with dishes full of color, full of vegetables. I still prefer more veggies to meat, which balances well for my wife and kids who prefer more meat to veggies.

My daughter has become quite a lousy eater, at least when it comes to dinner, and I see the look of horror in my sons eyes when the meal is leaning decidedly vegetarian. I try to explain/share with my children what it was like not to have variety nor enough to eat. But, well, you can't really. They relate better when we're able to tie it to exerpiences they've particiapted in.

The wife wanted to volunteer with our church at Salvation Army dinner. But, could only do so if the kids could come and particiapte as well. And they were able to, and it was a good experience for them to see and to give of themselves to others.

So food is a comfort for me now. And it is one of the ways I like to share best of my time with my friends, around a shared meal. Good food, good friends, good conversations, and maybe a popped button or two.

A Great Weekend

I had a magical weekend with my family. Thursday and Friday I worked a 4:30pm to 12:30am shift so that I could be home with the kids on their days off from school.

Thursday was hard cause we had tons of errands, and then I went to work. But Friday was only one errand and then the rest of the day was rest and play. So play and rest we did. Plus, we had great weather this weekend, which always helps. Saturday we went downtown to Trick or Treat at the local stores...the chocolatiers handed out the good stuff - one even gave out giganto chocolate suckers.

Sunday was church...I gave my class on Lay Liturgical Roles/Why we are all called to participate within worship, which I ended with one of my favorite songs, "They'll Know We Are By Our Love". I started us off and then by the end of the first stanza everyone joined in...it may have been an Adult Ed first for them. I got positive feedback from the Adult Ed coordinator and two people in the class...so yeah...I didn't bomb at least not for them :) After class, the family went home, and I served as an Usher for the 11 o'clock service that had around 100 vergers in attendance; and where I got to model what I taught about making mistakes and it being ok. I forgot to go to the altar first to bow, then pass out the offering plate...but, I did make a quick recovery as soon as the other usher quietly reminded me. So, all 10 people up at the altar (to include the Bishop) saw, as well as, most of the vergers...sigh, all you can do is smile and try not to be to obvious that you forgot a step. Afterwards, we took a family bike ride...it really was a great day to be outside. We went along our usual path, which has been so cool to see the path change as the seasons have turned. So it's never really the same path, at least not for too long. I want to walk this path come Winter.

This post hasn't really described the magic of my weekend, but it was one of those weekends that cherish and hold onto.

Untitled Poem

In a land of our making

Subterranean

Subtlefuse and fuselage

Quagmires and waterfalls

My own Ecclesiastes

Can you know enlightenment,

without first starting at its polar

Can you know anything,

without first knowing what it is not

If I slide through this land

Of my own making

Within the white, white, white

Within the black, black, black

Tis a season

That approaches through

this land of my own making

Within the gold, the regal, the fallen

Fallen down and bare

Stark the stand before you

Slumbering some watchful mostly

Can you remember one within the sameness

Do you worry of the eternal

Subtlefuse and fuselage

Quagmires and waterfalls

Subterranean

Land of my making

My own Ecclesiastes

Vermont in the Fall

Here's one of the photos I took of Vermont somewhere around the Smuggler's Notch area. I've decided for now to only post one picture - the rest will be gifts, and maybe even a Christmas card.

Directly behind this scene is a road that is a route, but which one it is escapes me now, and across the road is an old metal frame bridge. I took pictures of it too...but when I was crossing back over the road some guy in a truck yelled at me to go home. The whole thing surprised me...and I thought I am home, not the home of my heart, but I am home. This is home...no matter how much I might wish home where somewhere else.

Part of it is this space...but the other part of it is me...I'm never quite wholly comfortable. This is a beautiful place but the sacrifices - these weigh heavy. I looked through all the pictures - some where just okay either the lighting was off or the focus was a little off - but as a whole they aren't bad. The ones I like best are the ones with reflections like the one above, then the ones of flowers I took with the macro lens that "pop" with color and intimate space. I was suprised that the images speak so much about space (for me at least), and maybe a little bit about hope. My hope that this place can become home.