Inkling 11: Love

Inkling 11: Love
I've been struggling with the thought that love can't fix everything, I was beginning to doubt the power of love, and then I had sit down and ask myself some questions. And the word that I've fixated on is fix. I think asking love to fix something isn't in its job description; not even under unconditional. Love and Unconditional Love are about presence, and I've been re-reminded of this of late. Re-reminded that love in all of its many forms requires one to wait, not always, but at times. Love leaves doors open, it's up to the other to walk through.

Inklings on Church

Seeing as one day I hope to be a pastor, these inklings are mostly a reminder to myself.

Inkling 1: I've been thinking that all churches should have a vegetable garden and the produce should be divided so that a small portion can be used at church gatherings and all the rest be given away to soup kitchens or food pantries.

Inkling 2: Pastors and deacons should walk through and around the community in which their physical church sits at least once a week. They should know their neighbors well.

Inkling 3: Have your church host every event under the sun. Thus giving parishioners opportunities to talk about said event and/or invite people to said event. Sends message to community that your doors are open. That the church is welcoming.

Inkling 4: Liturgy is meant to be alive; every congregation should have one experimental Sunday.

Inkling 5: Someone on the church staff has to be technologically savvy and hip.

Inkling 6: I love pieces of the emergent church philosophy, but it often feels like the sole purpose is to recruit 20 and 30 somethings, and the rest of us are chopped liver. In my opinion creative, compassionate, radical hospitality church just plain gets people excited no matter what your age is.

Inkling 7: Pastors should join or form interfaith peer groups.

Inkling 8: All churches should recycle and compost, and if they have a community garden then they should use their own compost.

Inkling 9: The details really do matter.

Inkling 10: If your pastor isn't praying, modeling prayer, and talking about prayer; something is probably wrong...go hug that pastor.

Wonderfully sung

Getting Recommended

I had my last Parish Discernment Committee meeting this month. They are going to recommend me to my pastor and the vestry. This will happen once my pastor returns from sabbatical - not as soon as I would have liked but not horribly far away either - if timing works with me, then the recommendation to will be given in September. The PDC will share with me their recommendation prior to it going to the vestry, which will be really nice.

If the vestry affirms the PDC's decision, then the diocesan side of the discernment process will begin: meet the bishop, get permission to get pyche eval done, then get permission to meet with the COM (of course assuming all positives/thumbs up). This timeframe takes me into 2011, so lots of time to get my seminary applications prepared :)

Happy Earth Day

This image was on another blog...however, it is worth resharing:

As part of your Earth Day activities consider turning off the lights and TV and computer earlier today, and sit outside, breathe deeply and gaze up into the sky.

Then tomorrow if you have Netflix or some other way of watching movies instantly, watch "Food, Inc." This documentary is heart-wrenching. What we've done to farming (and to farmers) and livestock: chicken, cows, pigs, is horrific.

The Earth Day picture got the smirky laugh, but when it comes to our planet, and how we as a global humanity treat each other, Earth is stuck with Stupid. It can leave you feeling paralyzed, the destruction we've grown to see as the norm; I keep reminding myself that we can repent (turn around), we can change.

So thank you to the journalists who risk their lives, thank you to the documentarist who's passion is to tell us a truth we might otherwise turn blind eyes to, thank you to politicians who put what's right ahead of staying elected, and thank you to the everyday person who makes a decision to make the better choices with how and where they spend their money and place theirs votes.

Up!

I really like the movie Up! and I've shared that before, but it has so many layers to it. I've now seen it 3 times and could watch it 3 more; I saw it again this weekend because my wife hadn't seen it yet. There aren't many movies I could say that of (well, hmmm, actually that was before children).

But, I'm thinking of seeing if the Pastoral Care team I'm a part of would be interested in watching parts of it. There are alot of moments in the film that we could use as jumping off points. When the wife, Ellie, dies, and the husband, Carl, is now on his own. When he's being forced to move out of his own home and into a retirement/assisted living facility. The questions about what it means to have lived a fulfilled life? The guilt/regret Carl carries because he feels he didn't keep his promise to his wife.

Then there's the bonding that happens between the boy, Russell, and Carl; the two age groups I think that often feel unheard and under-valued; give meaning to each others life; they save each other literally and spiritually.

Then there's zen moments about attachment to things and realizing what really matters. Russell's capacity for love and innocence is beautiful.

I'd like to watch it again by myself and slowly.

Lists: I'm going to topple over under the weight of sticky notes

So, I've got a like too many lists running through my head. There's the moving list, the change of address list, the order to move rooms in list, the application lists, the discernment lists, the not really a list but calendar where is my head supposed to be today guide.

I've got the family traveling next weekend. Then I've got checklist with the new landlord (oh missed that list in my list above) -- hoping to get keys that day. So, that I can start moving la familia into the home.

I've got traveling to NY City for a training that I must have for the process, cause who knows when my hometown will have this training, not even slotted to happen in 2010, but maybe sometime 2011ish...so off to NY. No, there will be no fun had...6 hour drive and 2 days of 8hr training. Leave Saturday late afternoon to return to my own state oh around midnightish. So that Sunday I can continue moving.

The following weekend after NY, friends helping me and la familia move big heavy items into new home.

In the midst of this must keep key ministries moving along. End of May pass out from exhaustion.

I have one last discernment meeting (yes in May) and then I go into a holding pattern until my pastor returns. However, between now and then I plan to have as much of my applications to seminaries done as is possible while I'm in said holding pattern. I do know what the outcome of my PDC is, but until my May meeting, I am not counting my eggs.

I've also decided most brilliantly to try to relearn Spanish. I've got a couple of books I want read before September, I've essays to write, lists to maintain, and exercising to do, oh yeah and a family to hang out with, and pets to walk, and ministries I love. I think I've just encountered the rest of my life :)

Natalie Merchant on TED Talks

I've been a fan of Natalie Merchant's for years, and on TED she does a live performance well worth listening to and watching.

Enjoy:

Finding My Way Home

Last night for me was Maundy Thursday. At our church we have the meal within the nave of the church, we sit in a U-shaped formation, we eat soup and bread, some cheese and nuts. A simple meal. After the meal, and the dishes are all cleared away the service begins. At a certain point in the service as the altar is stripped down, so are the tables we just ate at. Then as the service draws closer to the end we begin to wash each others feet. It is amazingly beautiful and hard to wash another person's feet.

During the meal I was asked how the process was going for me, had it started, and I said that it was and where I was in the process and what parts were left. She asked if I had decided on a seminary and I said I was considering two, and one I had seen already and felt very drawn too. She asked where it was located, and I told her...then she said so you guys really left your hearts in Texas. My reply was, well, you know there's enough love for both places.

But, I think my southern heart hurts here alittle bit, the square peg that has managed to slip into the rectangular slot.

My family and I are moving once again within the same town we've lived in for the last 2 years. Then we'll have another move at the end of next summer (hopefully to seminary), and another move after that (first placement), and possibly another move after that. There is no place to come home to anymore except to be home where I (and the family) are at. There are no more roots just seeds, at least that's what the next 7-10 years look like. And I wonder how that will shape my children, what joys and sorrows will go with them, how that will shape how they form and maintain relationships? Perhaps the question is really my own.

My next discernment meeting is approaching, and I'm worried that my theology is too simple, but we shall see.

A blessed crucifixion and resurection to you all.

Free Association

So I got this from another blog, who got it from another, and you get the idea...

What comes to mind when:

1. Bow out :: not in my vocabulary
2. Relationships :: are very important to me, and never feel like I have enough time to honor them all well
3. Facebook :: is a great way to have an idea of what your friends are willing to shout out to the world, and I do love when people post pictures
4. Items :: create clutter and attachement, and I'm getting really tired of moving them around
5. Ours :: my children...giggles...I mean our children...well as much as any human being is able to be loved and separate at the same time
6. Sting :: used to write great music, and his songs opened up the idea in my then teenaged head that I could write songs and call it poetry
7. Hangover :: not worth it
8. Contacts :: connections, relationships, differing levels - such a separate feeling word
9. Lonely :: quietly worried about the loneliness I hear other pastors speak of
10. Seven days :: and then God rested and called it good

Life And Such

So, things continue to progress well in the land of discernment. I was asked to choose a book that was meaningful to me/had a be impact on me. It led to some very good discussion, in fact we didn't talk about the other book at all. So we'll talk about that one next time, another book, and a theological topic or two. I'm more relaxed now that I know what they're looking for discussion-wise from book sharing/reading. I definitely don't need to go in having a thesis ready :) Just (ah just) what struck me, what made me squirmy, what touched me. Which in many ways is easier, and more present.

I've managed to stick with working out. Although I did pull a muscle along my rib cage recently (I think from doing "the lawnmower"), not too badly, but enough for discomfort or pain if I over-extend my arm. So, I'm trying to convince myself that not doing a free weight routine until it heals is ok. I'm finally seeing/feeling for myself the changes in my upper body (and not just the wife saying she sees changes), that nice V-shape you get. I lost 2 inches off the hips, but well we'll leave it at but for the rest :) I guess, what's making it hard mentally for me is that my body shape is changing but I'm not losing any weight. Sigh, I know muscle weighs more then fat, but you can only say that so often.

I've been very good about getting my walking videos done. Yes, walking inside. I use two of Leslie Sansone's dvds (). Finding good exercise dvds that work for you I've found is hard. The trainer's personality has to fit, the way the exercise is presented matters, well at any rate, her dvds keep me moving. I was able to complete the 5-mile walk, but after one section of boosted walking (light jogging) that was too much for the pulled muscle so I did the alternate movements instead and that was fine.

I'm trying to figure out how to get some pilates in to target a specific problem area, but that's a time issue. Although the wife is interested in doing this workout with me so maybe it'll happen this week.

My ministry project is moving along, and "they've" been great letting "the team" know what would be useful for them. So, the core mission is intact but the rest has changed, well no, it's begun to become more defined. And "they're" defining it which is awesome, cause that means they'll get what they need from our time together. And since we've gotten more defined more people are expressing interest in joining us.

Now, if only I didn't have another move coming my way. The crazy landlord wants us to sign another year long lease but to have a 30 day no cause kick you out clause (they're trying to sell house - and that is a long story), which we aren't willing to agree to. However, they won't commit to saying they'll take it out, just that they're working on the lease. So, while they're "working" we're out looking for a new place. So, I ask for prayers and well wishes that we find a nice home with decent landlords in the same part of town so that we don't have to put our children into another school.

Reading

I'm doing lots of reading this month and next, though that's nothing new. I don't know if Rowan Williams still writes this way, but my oh my can he make a sentence last an entire paragraph. Plus his sentences are almost always miniature concepts. All this to say that I'll read his book at a certain pace, and then move onto the two books I also need to read, as well as some BCP reading. Then I will (a) sit and contemplate (b) write something out (c) contemplate some more (d) write some more to then (e) vocalize.

For me, the discernment process has moments of expand/contract, you know stretching; and then there are these moments were something within settles and takes root. For all of this it becomes so easy to get lost in the worries that come with discernment, the fears. In everything there is a lesson of self, a discovery, a reawakening, and so I re-awoke to something in myself that has always been there, but only well discovered no more believed to be true, to be rooted. And I wonder if the oscillation ever stops, maybe that is what deep prayer is for, to sooth the soul that cannot rest because it is always seeking what it knows it has lost, and can only be found in the stillness of an open heart.

Muscles and Auschwitz

So yeah, I'm getting some more muscles, and it came as quite a surprise. I was talking to someone and we were sitting down so my arm was slightly bent and I said the "and I just had to pinch myself" sentence and motion. I'm not sure the lady I was talking to registered my surprise, because internally I was surprised - there wasn't any flab to pinch! Even my triceps are getting firm.

I haven't finished the reading I need to get done, and get done soon. Instead I read Maus I and Maus II this weekend. Reading it, the way Vladek speaks reminded me alot of my own Polish grandmother. Her mother only spoke Polish, so Grandma didn't learn to speak English until 1st grade and the nuns were not gentle with her knuckles. I thought about my Grandfather who served during WWII as an infantryman and came back a different man who suffered from PTSD. I never met him - he died when my mom was nine, but my Grandma always told me how he'd have loved me and would have enjoyed my company. I know him only from a few photos, and the pieces that my mom or Grandma shared about him.

I learned that Auschwitz was in Poland, and was embarrassed that I had thought all these years that Auschwitz had been in Germany. I thought about all those who suffered, and the generations that carried a burden they could not name. I wonder about the burdens these our generations will carry from the wars, the genocides, the natural disasters as our world shrinks. What horrors do we turn blind eyes to? What ear-buds do we keep in place to avoid our own political maneuvering over healthcare, employment or lack there of, and let's not mention deficits and the children living in poverty.

I started thinking about my own history I carry, and what pieces of my parents history, and their parents history, and what pieces of my history am I handing off to my children. So, I'm glad for my new muscles, my need to keep my body healthy to keep my mind healthy, to allow my heart to be open so I carry burdens not my own until they can be let go by another.

Finally, some nice deep slow breaths

The past week has been hectic; I mean me and the fam are pretty busy but nothing like this past week, which will finally roll into normalcy on Wednesday.

But, it was also a week with moments of wow do I feel lighter. The wife and I finally feel like our children's school is finally doing things that will be helpful and positive for sonshine. Completing the GRE was another such moment. I didn't get rock star scores...I got exactly the score I needed on the verbal piece. Hopefully, I'll have the same results on the essay part as well.

Discernment is moving along. The group's dynamic was a little off, with one person unable to attend, another with a cold, and the other in a funky mood. But I did walk away with new insights, and I hope they did as well. So we'll continue to see how things go. I've got a lot of reading and exploring coming up.

My prayer life and exercise life got second fiddle (okay they got mostly put in the closet) last week. But, I did manage to get a little bit of exercise in and prayer, just not centering prayer.

Time to take those deep breaths through the nose...the kind that has you close your eyes and puff out your chest...boy do those feel good.

Dear Keeper of the Electrons

Dear Keeper,

I'm holding too many lemons this week, and there are too many important events coming up. But this is life isn't. I keep thinking things, heck life, will get easier. But that doesn't seem to be so. Oh, and I'm out of sugar, so sure I'll make lemonade, but who's going to want to drink it I wonder. Oh, other sour pusses.

Could I perhaps put tears in beers this week? I think a change would do me good. I think perhaps hanging out with folks wearing beer goggles may be just the thing I need.

Or perhaps I could do some work in the rose colored glasses fabrication plant?

No, you want me to plant lemon trees...wha...buttt...ummm...ok. I need to cultivate my lemons?? I should spend more time with my lemons!? Could I sign up for a triathlon instead? Yes, that was a joke...I shouldn't become a comedian you say. Hmmm.

The XX

Just discovered this group via NPR Music. Oh, it brings back my late teens and early twenties.

Goings On

So, in some ways there's always a ton of things going on, and in other ways not so much. Just depends on how you're tilting your head that day I guess.

I managed to avoid getting what took out the rest of my family. I don't know how, cause I always get whatever everybody else is getting. So thank you antibodies :)

My ministry project continues to move along. We're meeting tonight, and normally I'd be excited but I'm tired and running on exhaustible fumes which I have to keep replenishing with caffeine.

I've managed to stick to a pretty regular workout routine of 3 days of weights and 3 days of cardio for about 5 weeks now. Improvements, ehhh, not so sure...no real weight loss (1-2 lbs), but my traps are getting defined. It's weird that's almost always the first of my muscle groups to show signs of working out: not the arms, abs, or legs...nope my back, wish my behind would follow suit ;) I'm trying not to get discouraged, but instead focus on health benefits. I'm finally ready to increase the intensity on my cardio workout, and I've increased the weight on my dumbbells for certain exercises, I can even do 8 push-ups from the knees now. But, really deep down I was hoping for instant results...I need to quit lamenting the body I once had, and just focus on getting the one I've got into better shape. I'm not one to cut out pictures to use for visualization/motivation, but I'm even giving that a try...it did lead to an interesting conversation with the wife about why there were women's midriffs on our closet door :)

Yesterday, I priced stoles and chasubles...sooo many selections and textures! One day maybe...My step 2 continues to go well. They are an amazing bunch of folks. We meet soon. Last time was talking about my spiritual autobiography; this coming time we'll begin to discuss theology, well, what's my theology. I think I'm going to add a picture of priests to my closet door...to remind myself that it's ok to hope and believe; it's ok to allow myself to be this that I feel I am, even without the process confirming I got God's call for me right. The scariest part of discernment for ordination are these words: We do not feel you are called to ordained ministry. Where do you go from there...but really please don't respond to that question: it's rhetorical...and not something I even need to think about or entertain anymore than I already do. No, instead I'm enjoying the process, enjoying this time. Because you see, so far, the validation continues to come. But, who knows really...So we'll see.

Hospitality Music

Up!

I watched Up! with the kiddos as an after school PTO activity. It's really good...go out and rent it, and enjoy.

We do family movie night on Fridays...this week it's the new Nancy Drew, and I'm kinda excited about watching it. I liked reading Nancy Drew as a kid, so we'll see.

What I like best about our movie nights is (a) time together, (b) the discussions that usually happen afterwards, and (c) sharing movies I and or the wife watched when we were kiddos.

The kid's like movie night because they get to eat dinner in the living room while watching tv.

Enjoy your weekend.

Poem

Through the forest and into the trees
Winding round the underpinnings
What rock upholds
What water flows through the fissures

Down the stairs we go
To the stellar, the universally we
No flickering no wavering
Steady steady steady we go