Tomorrow is the a big day

So, tomorrow is the official start of Step 1: Discerning your call with your Pastor. I didn't notice feeling nervous until this morning. I'm worried I won't know what to say, what if, what if, what if...and yet, I remind myself it will be what it will be. Yes, yes, I do know myself...I'll be digesting that meeting the whole weekend.

He and I in some way are completely different. He's much more introverted then I, which tends to bring the shyness out in me, which always leaves me feeling awkward cause that's not my normal mode in the world. I'm not a flaming extrovert, but I'm not a complete introvert either - somewhere in the middle.

I worry a little that we/I won't know how to relate to him/each other...but, then I have to let that go and let God be present between us. When I go on Pastoral Care visits on my way there I ask the Holy Spirit to be present and for 'right words'. So, I need to remember to ask of these things for myself.

I have to have a certain number of visits with my Pastor, which can take up to but not over 6 months. So, one visit at a time, and it will be what it will be. Even if it's not what I'm hoping for, which is amazingly hard to write.

I would ask for a simple prayer tomorrow for quiet confidence.

A Commercial Worth Sharing

Lenten Reflection

Part of my spiritual practice is to daily read a portion of the Rule of Benedict; the version I read has commentary to go with each reading. One of the recent readings/commentary had something that I think I may try doing this lent: "Each of us should have two pockets," the rabbis teach. "In one should be the message, 'I am dust and ashes,' in the other we should have written, 'For me the universe is made.'"

With the addition of reading Psalm 67 (plea for continued blessing) and Psalm 51 (need for continual forgiveness) daily during Lent.

Psalm 67
1 God be merciful to us and bless us,
And cause His face to shine upon us, Selah
2 That Your way may be known on earth,
Your salvation among all nations.

3 Let the peoples praise You, O God;
Let all the peoples praise You.
4 Oh, let the nations be glad and sing for joy!
For You shall judge the people righteously,
And govern the nations on earth. Selah

5 Let the peoples praise You, O God;
Let all the peoples praise You.
6 Then the earth shall yield her increase;
God, our own God, shall bless us.
7 God shall bless us,
And all the ends of the earth shall fear Him.

Psalm 51
1 Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
4 Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,[a]
And blameless when You judge.

5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
6 Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
9 Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.

10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.

14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
15 O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
16 For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.

18 Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.

Unbelievable Sorta II

Tonight my family and I went to the Shrove Tuesday pancake dinner at "our church" (I could gag). We've been there 8 months. No one sat with us even though there was room. The woman who my son invited to sit with us pointedly ignored him - though I'm not surprised as she is the EVIL church lady. We got a few drive-by hellos, but only one person, the pastor from another church who I'm in a group with came over and was geniune in her hello and wanting to meet my family.

We left as soon as we finished eating. The only thing keeping me from tears is the amount of fucking anger I have right now. Not even my own pastor said hello and he was sitting at the table across from us.

If I ever become a priest and can survive these people and/or make it past them - God help me, I will never let another family experience what mine did tonight. Christians - what a fucking joke. When you look up Christian in the dictionary what do you see - hypocrite.

Unbelievable sorta

This is just so saddening:



And then I read on another blog that The House of Deputies is planning on cutting funding (though I'm not sure if it's all the funding or a portion of funding) to the MDGs.

Two pretty crappy messages either way.

Dublin

You Belong in Dublin

Friendly and down to earth, you want to enjoy Europe without snobbery or pretensions. You're the perfect person to go wild on a pub crawl... or enjoy a quiet bike ride through the old part of town.

What European City Do You Belong In?

If you blink
You will miss it

3 Words

Grace waiting patiently

Catching Up

The wife and I don't really celebrate Valentine's Day - though she did manage to sneak in card shopping. But, we spent the evening together as a family at a Senior's Center serving a meal that the parish had put together. There were about 12ish of us and about 50ish of them. It went really well and we had requests to do this again; hopefully we do.

I emailed my Pastor and got the thumbs up for starting step one of the discernment process sometime in March/April. I am quite excited but (yes there's a but) it doesn't quite feel real yet cause I don't have an actual let's meet on this date yet. I've sent days/times and now I wait for the here we go date back. There's parts of me that are doing twirls and spins on the inside - the it's going to happen dance. Then there's the wall flower watching and thinking - watch your step cause it could all come tumbling down. So for now I'm just trying to honor both aspects of this dance I call discernment.

There's more odds and ends, teaching a class in March, really need to start working on the auto-bio now, we may have found a new rental place - will know sometime this week.

If left is right and right is left which way do I go

We've started looking at rental houses but realized that most of what we're seeing is "AVAILABLE NOW!" There's only one house we're seriously considering that's available now, but if that falls through I need to just look but not really look until April.

Needing to move is creating alot of anxiety and impatience within me, and not having a clear date for starting discernment is creating lots of big sighs. I'm just plain old frustrated - tired of waiting. Tired of worrying about where we're going to live, and will we be able to find something we can afford that will take pets. Tired of wondering about what's considered early Spring in the land of frost and mud.

I know what I should be telling myself. Relax, be proactive, everything's going to work out...but what if it doesn't? I am proactive. I'm trying to relax. I want to like this place but every time we begin to settle into an 'this place is ok' mode - wham. What message is that? Don't get settled in cause you're not staying? Until you can be settled in no matter what - nothing will be settled? I'm tired of feeling like Job. How about some Paul, or Peter, or Mary Mag?

Everyday you tell me
Humility
Everyday you tell me
Pray
And there you will be
Everyday I tell you
Ok
But
Where are you? And where am I?
What path, what cross, what well?

Perhaps I should try to write a book about the 12 Steps to Surviving the Discernment Process assuming I survive. Maybe if I start writing it now, it will help me now :-)

Ready for something

The kids went ice skating for the first time Saturday. It was a gorgeous day for it. Sonshine had been roller blading this summer and that definitely helped him as he cruised along. While Bella was not her graceful ballerina self as she used her skates like trainers and ran near tip toe across the ice to do a beautiful spin and promptly plop on her behind.

I went snowshoeing that same day on the path that we go biking on in the Summer. I didn't go very far, well not as far as I wanted...just plain outta shape. But it had moments of beauty and moments of ya know you should have turned around like 15 minutes ago. The wife estimates that I'd gone about 3 miles. I wanted so very much to make it to the farm to get to the what is probably now a frozen river (or perhaps partially so).

I'd forgotten that you walk different when you got the snowshoes on. A wider stance, no lazy draggin feet - ya gotta pick em up or ya just make it harder on yourself. I was exhausted by the time I'd walked back to the house.

I do want to go again, but this time I may park closer to the destination I want to get to, so I can take the trail I was hoping to make it too.

Life at church is tension filled, one of the church positions is being cut and that's about all I feel like sayin for now.

It's hard to believe it's February already. Need to start writing my Spiritual Autobiography, been doing a lot of thinking about doing it but not doing it. I like to think there's alot of inner fermenting going on. I keep praying for the right words to express, I should perhaps pray for time when I feel refreshed to write it; and when I do, that the Spirit be with me...though maybe I mean I'm more attuned to the Spirit always being with me. I'm trying not to think too much that perhaps the official journey may begin soon.

Totally random...the Deacon approached me Sunday to tell me that a person I visit really enjoys our visits. And whenever the Deacon smiles, really smiles, it transforms her face and there's well a twinkle in her eyes. So she's smiling like that and telling me about the visits...and I smile back and tell her thank you - hoping that I'm not being too awkward and that my appreciation showed. I've never been good at receiving compliments though I do like getting them.

I took Bella with me on my last visit and she thought one of the lady's looked alot like our Deacon...so when Bella said this I told her I thought so too.

I have piece meal moments of feeling holy connected to my church. I still don't always feel like it's my church, or even my work place for that matter. I find myself hearing myself use language which suggests I'm not really a part of you. They have my works, but not my heart entirely.

It's weird - I want to "fall in love" if you will...but, I keep putting up shepard walls maybe in response to their initial new englander walls. I would like very much for those walls to fall and to feel grounded. And I have this sense inside that it needs to happen soon.

But I've rambled on long enough - good day to you.

Not Much Up

There's not much going on, which is nice. We had to have the gas company come out last week cause it was only blowing cool air. Luckily it was just a horribly clogged air filter and wrong ducts turned on...apparently it's a maze of duct work down there.

The daughter is fixated on people who are wearing shorts and short-sleeves. She wishing I could be a priest in Texas...the winter has lost it's charm for her. And we've still got a ways to go...sigh, I'm with her.

The wife and I are going to try to get us outside a litte more, but it's hard with negative numbers and single digit numbers in the degree department. Luckily there's b-ball for the son for a few more weeks, and the daughter just started ballet.

Well, gotta run Martha Speaks is ending and that's my que to get us ready to head out the door for school.

Which Church Father are You?

You’re Origen! You do nothing by half-measures. If you’re going to read the Bible, you want to read it in the original languages. If you’re going to teach, you’re going to reach as many souls as possible, through a proliferation of lectures and books. If you’re a guy and you’re going to fight for purity … well, you’d better hide the kitchen shears. Find out which Church Father you are at The Way of the Fathers!

Letter to Editors and Representatives in My State

So I sent the below to all my state reps and the gov, then I added a paragragh and sent that to 3 local area papers.

I would urge people to show their support of equality of marriage rights for same-sex couples. My partner and I are new Vermonters, but within a week of arriving here had a small civil union ceremony with our two young children present. The fact that Vermont has civil unions was one of our primary reasons for choosing to uproot our family from Texas. We wanted and want to live in a state that exemplifies equality and concern for not only all its citizens but also for the care of the environment in which we live.

It is important to us for our children to see their family reflected within their community, and for us to be able to say to them that where they live is a place of great caring and mutual respect for everyone. To live in a place where the composition of their family is respected and that harm will not come to them because their parents happen to be lesbians.

[Added paragraph]
Some people fear that affording, allowing, granting, the giving of equal rights in civil marriage will some how weaken the bonds of their own marriage or their own religious beliefs. I can only speak for myself, when my partner and I held our own marriage ceremony in Texas with friends and family who flew in or drove in from various parts of the U.S. it was a powerful witness to us and them. Marriage in this sense is deeply spiritual and community binding, an act of love on display in the hopes of a shared moment in time where those who love us say we are with you in this journey. Our ability to have a civil union in Vermont legally cemented what was already bond within our hearts. My faith in God and my faith in my community where strengthened within these two acts.

Civil unions are a step in the right direction, but it should not be the last step. If civil unions afforded my family all the rights and privileges contained within the laws of civil marriage you would not be hearing from me today. However, the reality is that civil unions maintain a status quo of separate but not equal. Vermont once led the way, now it’s time to catch up with our neighbors.

+Gene Robinson's Speech Yesterday

If you're curious what he said here's a link to a blog that posted it (http://www.boston.com/news/local/articles_of_faith/2009/01/bless_us_with_a.html) or you can visit the Diocese of New Hampshire (http://www.nhepiscopal.org/).

+Gene posted some of his own thoughts before he gave the speech here: http://canterburytalesfromthefringe.blogspot.com/2009/01/washington-tales-from-closer-to-center.html

A lesson from last year

Well ok - from this December:
Faith and religion…I thought I could live with just the one, and learned I could not, then I thought I had to have both at the same time, but I'm coming to realize that I do not. That my faith must be separate from my religion or the other will erode – that my faith must feed my religion, else the other may corrupt.

The Year of the Ox

The Chinese New Year starts January 26th this year, and it's the Ox leading the way, maybe it tis that this bodes well.

Uh Huh Her - So Excited

The wife and I were watching the last episode of Season 5 of the L Word...and one of the extras is a video - so we watched it. And to my great delight Leisha Haley is part of a band again! And well at least to my ears the music is awesome (cd is on the way).

So for your listening pleasure, here's "Not a Love Song":

And She Drew...

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

The End of Christmas Vacation is Upon Mi Familia

This Christmas break has been great...the wife had this time off as well, so we didn't have to find a xmas camp for the kiddos. What I like best about the wife being able to stay home is all the extra time the kids get with us. Plus, added sweetness - I have fewer chores and can just come home and unwind with my family.

But, sadly the regimented schedule begins tomorrow...however, today's not over and it is an exceptionally sunny day.

Today I EMed at the 11am service and it went really well - I even managed to stay relaxed through the whole service (though I nearly closed the book too soon but caught myself - ching). Then I went on two EVs - it's been so nice returning to this ministry. And with this being my second round of visits the 4 month "break" (had to go through training and so paperwork had to be in place) rustiness has worn off.

I'm even using my heart rate monitor when I row - gotta get to and stay in the zone, especially if I want the beeping to stop :-) Now I need to incorporate some pilate sessions into my week to help stretch out my back and help my core out which will help out my back.

Today is one of contentment.