She's Gone Away

I've been visiting and bringing communion to an elderly woman, who I'll call May, for nearly two years every Sunday unless one of us was sick or out of town.

Over time May would share or indicate that she felt she had lost the meaning of her life. She couldn't see how her life mattered anymore and was ready to die. She would ask why God kept her alive. She was terrified of living in a nursing home. She would have periods of sequestering herself away followed by periods of engaging with others.

When she would engage with others and share about these experiences she just glowed. I told her a number of times that she had a gift for listening and a knack for asking just the right questions. I had hoped that she would find meaning, her meaning within her interactions with others.

But something changed and it changed all of a sudden. I had gone to visit but she wasn't there, so when I returned the following week we visited. And in the course of our conversation I realized that she didn't know who I was. So I worked in my name within our conversation, but that didn't seem to help. And then I realized she was anxious because she didn't know why I was there with her. So I asked her if she would like to have communion now and she said no. I then asked her if she would like me to return next Sunday and she said yes.

Over the course of the next month May would become more confused, and she was returning to a time of her childhood. And that's when I began to prepare myself that one Sunday I would visit and she would no longer be there because to live where she was requires a certain amount of being able to take care of yourself and a certain amount of presentness.

Last Sunday was the Sunday where her small "apartment" was completely empty. Even though I knew it was coming, I miss May. I worry about May - she's now where she was most afraid of going.

Physical Therapy

So I met with my docter for my amazingly short post-op appointment; however, all looks well in the land of my internal part. She said I can stay off the expensive med, but stay on the other med until I can start physical therapy and see how that goes. If all goes really well I may be medicine free. So, I've never been more excited to start physical therapy in my life; however, the physical therapist is booked until the end of October (but I'm first to call on the cancellation list).

I also want to throw a cyber thank you to my wife for being with me while I waited to go into the surgical area, and for waiting with me in the recovery area. I wish hospitals could be a less scary space, and I suppose if you work there it isn't a scary space. But, when you're there cause you're body needs lookin at or fixin it's a scary space (at least it is for me). I wonder if as I go on more Pastoral Care team visits the hospital will change for me; I hope so, and I hope I can for that brief time help someone else feel less worried/afraid/alone too.

And they send me on my way

I went before the vestry with my PDC rep and gave a brief statement, and then answered the questions the Vestry members had, and then they voted (all in favor) to support my application/recommnedation to the Bishop for postulancy.

When I left the meeting I had to "pinch myself" it hadn't quite settled into my sense of reality. Then I called the wife to tell her the wonderful news.

Now I'll be able to meet with the Bishop and if that goes well start what I call the diocesan side of the discernment process. Hopefully, I can meet with him by early October. But, what I'm really hoping for is to meet with him before the end of September; we'll see.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had my procedure today. There is one very small area but not enough for me to be on really expensive medicine. So, by Tuesday that will be my last dose. I'll meet with the doctor on Friday and see where we go from here.

Tomorrow I get the last of my stitches out. Let me tell ya, gum grafts hurt.

Life is good.

Inkling 14: Meditation and Reflection

Inkling 14: Meditation and Reflection

That all meetings should start with a 5 minute meditation and then a Bible passage where everyone reflects on what word or phrase struck them, what is the passage saying to the individuals, what is the passage calling you to do in the week ahead. As a reminder of the importance of our relationships with God, self, and other.

What do nearly tweener boys talk about?

On our way home today I asked Sonshine, "What do boys talk about when there's only boys around?" Reply: "Video games and sports." Me: "Do you want to watch more sports to have something to umm, more to say about sports?" Him: "Nah, we just talk about who's our favorite teams for the different sports."

Apparently Sonshine sees just enough sports on TV to contribute, no ESPN analysis yet required. Soon girls won't be these eewy creatures to be run from...though the girls have started to notice him and he doesn't seem to mind in that surly posturing boy way that they do.

Did I just read that right?

So I was going through FaceBook to see what my friends are up to, and my cell rang so I answered it, and I happened to glance to the side and see a pregnant belly, which led to reading the caption...see picture below:

I almost clicked it, but I don't want FB thinking I'd like to see more Ads like this one. Does taking the drug to prevent masciline daughters then create feminine boys? And who would even think of taking a drug like that when it's scary enough hoping that the baby is born healthy.

Ugh, I could go on and on about all the reasons this Ad is wrong and offensive...but my kiddos are growing impatient that their masciline mama isn't ready to play yet.

The beginnings are piling up

I have this habit of reading 5 or so books at the same time. Usually this isn't a problem; however, I've flooded my queue with heavier reading. Heavier in that most of it isn't fluff reading, but reading to retain which causes me to read a little slower, pause for reflection more often, and a need to set it aside long enough for my unconscious brian to sit with it too.

Spanish study is going well while Greek continues to flounder.

I watched "The Buddha (2010)" last night. It's well done, and interesting; however, there's a near constant soft music going in the background that if you're tired will soothe you right to sleep. It's a 2hr documentatry, and my subconscious heard the last half of part 2 more then I did. It was also neat seeing someone I know in a "real live" documentary.

I've been itchy to get outside and take some photos, but the family schedule still has us with longer commutes then we're used to. Though the plan is to go to the Fair this weekend - just need to remember to bring the camera.

I'm ready for Summer to be over and for Fall to begin.

Adrenaline

I wasn't one to have panic attacks as a child, teenager, or young adult. Panic attacks became part of my life when I started recognizing that something was wrong with my body in my late 20s, but I couldn't figure out what, nor were the doctors I was seeing at the time able to diagnose the problem either. The symptoms I have were beginning to present themselves when I lived in Panama with my ex-husband. Now my next statements are not a ding at military doctors, but more at the system; it's rare for you to see the same doc twice on purpose, you tend to get who ever is available that day. If you do see the same doctor more then once it's because I treatment plan is in place. Luckily we were close to returning to the U.S. and I was close to getting my degree with "real" health insurance and could see a "real" doctor. By this time, I'd been going in circles with the doctors for 1.5 years. So, when the symptoms would flare, and usually at night I'd start panicking, and I'd end up flooding my body with adrenaline. At least for me, I find that that surge of panic has a very metallic taste. Flooding my body with adrenaline did not help, and often made things worse. I can't tell you how elated I was when I saw my PPC doctor, explained my symptoms and within a month had a referral to a specialist.

Within 3 months of seeing the specialist, my body stopped being my enemy (well, I stopped seeing my body as the enemy). She said I think it's this and let's try this and go from there. The panic attacks stopped, because I now knew that these symptoms have a name, and medicines, and that the flares will pass, and best of all -- she didn't tell me it was all in my head like my ex-husband and the military doctors. I think her believing me was the most important medicine she could have given me. She gave me a gift that day.

So, a few days ago I had a full blown panic attack in the middle of the night like one at the very beginning when I didn't know what was wrong with my body. Because now I don't know what these symptoms really are, and is the medicine doing potential damage to my body for no reason. The wife held me, and tried to reassure me, to relax...try to breathe - use meditation...all good advice, but hard to put into being when fear gets in the way. I couldn't take deep breaths, I couldn't pray the prayers I could think of because they had too many words, in the end I used a military cadence: left, left, your left right left. I could match short breaths to the words, the familiar rhythm, and I fell back asleep.

Over the past few days I had to ask myself what's the worse that could happen? And I went to all of those places - cancer, removal of body part, a bag attached to my body, new meds, new exercises. Did I/do I think I have cancer, no, I don't because I don't think you can have cancer for over 8 years and not show signs of it (and if you can, keep that to yourself please). Do I think I'll need a body part removed or an apparatus added, no because my symptoms though bad for a healthy person are mild to moderate for someone with my diagnoses (though an apparatus still scares me). New meds, not such a bad thing especially if I can get off the drug that every person with xyz gets prescribed and there's no generic, and it's the one that isn't good to be on. New exercises, hey if that's all it takes to make my body part work lead the way. I looked up what the new specialist thinks I could have instead, and it's way less scary. Finally, I realized if I was diagnosed correctly then my life doesn't change. But, if I was misdiagnosed then there's the possibility for improved quality of life. This has helped, I'll get worrisome, but not overcome.

The other thing I realized is that I have to let go of the shame I feel at having my condition. You can't contract it, it might not be hereditary, they don't know why or what causes people to get the condition, and they're not even sure it's been "properly named." The shame shut me down (I allowed the shame to shut me down) during my visit with the new specialist. And that has caused me anxiety, but when we meet for my pre-op appointment, I'm going to tell her about my feelings of shame, I am going to describe my symptoms, I am going to ask questions about "bad" med, and then I'll ask her to now begin explaining the pre-op stuff. I claim my condition, it doesn't claim me. Reading "Kitchen Table Wisdom" helped alot, and I had no clue about the author's medical condition the morning I heard that wee bit on NPR. Her own story is woven into the book, and as I finished it last night, it occurred to me that her medical condition did not stop her from living, it changed how she lived, but it didn't keep her from living.

Naming my condition in my blog makes me feel weird, I'm not there yet, maybe I won't ever be there. But, I can now say and spell it without having to use it's acronym and then slaughter the only part I could remember hoping the medical professional could fill in the rest. I've finally gone to the 2 big websites and went through the content, there's two books I'll get if I was correctly diagnosed. And if I was misdiagnosed I'll research and ask better/more questions, and I won't feel ashamed.

I keep thinking that this has been a year of facing my worst fears, I hope I'm done, at least for a good while anyways.

Not liking the start of this 40s thing

So when I turned 30 I've dubbed it the year my body began to disfunction. Inner ear imbalance leading to temporary vertigo. The abdominal area as a whole picking up 2 new acroynms of life changing chronic conditions. I don't remember anymore what a normal fully healthy body feels like; I do know what normal for me feels like with every great once in awhile a slow awareness/realization of "oh, hey, is this what a normal body feels like" it's a wonderful moment that I try to savor for as long as possible. I try not to stress out when my conditions "flare." I thank God every day that my conditions are both mild to moderate and not disabling, I pray for healing in whatever form.

So when I turned 40 I was scared that something new would come or my conditions would suddenly change. So far "new" is my mouth. I have to get a gum graft and an information seeking biopsy done (no worries of cancer). I have some more major work coming in the Fall. And 1 of my conditions I've had for a very long time might have been misdiagnosed. But I won't know until the end of September - I have a inpatient procedure the 2nd week of September so I'll take prayers for all going well; and get results at the end of the month. If I have been misdiagnosed (which I'm not entirely convinced of) then I can get off a medication which isn't good to be on long-term and it's been long-term a few years ago. It's incredibly expensive, causes dizziness, and fatigue. Hence a good portion of my fatigue is medication based.

Part of me is afraid it will be something worse, part of me hopes it's something else that a differnet medicine would work better for me, part of me just wants well enough to be well enough.

I don't want my body to fall apart every decade. I keep reminding myself that my life is not my body, that whatever comes my way I can cope with with God's help and the love of my family and friends.

Eudaimonia

Eudaimonia, a type of happiness that rests on the realization of personal goals and potential. I just discovered this word while reading this really good article written for Psychology Today on meditation: Mastering your own mind.

On my way to church yesterday I caught a snippet of Speaking of Faith, and heard some of her interview with Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen. Dr. Remen spoke about the power of stories and about how doctors have a love for their patients and want to see them get well, stay well, be well, but also about how they don't feel they have the time to talk to their patients about feelings but instead focus on treatment/treatment strategies. Then I caught mention of Dr. Remen's book "Kitchen Table Wisdom" and I checked it out of the library later that day. I haven't read far into the book yet, but it too is good.

Are there coincidences, probably not, so I think of late I'm being reminded of a few things:
1. I need community, well really I'm learning to know when to ask for help, which involves community.
2. I need to meditate, and I've begun with the wife going along with me (humoring perhaps), to do a 10 minute meditation with the kiddos right before bedtime. Next step extend that time into my own meditation time.
3. I thrive on stories, the sharing of stories, the listening to stories, and not just those within the pages of a book, but real live in-person told stories. It's also I've realized what I like about blogs, blogs that people write about what's up in their life; blogs that people write about a vocation I hope one day to be a part of.
4. Facing my worst fear(s) isn't always as bad as I thought it would be.

I find I keep walking between a certainty that I'm on the correct path, and a well what if it's no then what...and if the what if is so then it will be what should come to be - however, it needs to be a vocation that involves story sharing and helping others. I believe this is how I cope with ambiguity: I visualize being a priest, a pray for guidance from God...and then in those times of doubt I allow myself to imagine a life where I'm not a priest. I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to plan and as little as possible control my future, which I do and don't have control over ya know :)

As September gets closer, I find myself excited and anxious; I'm ready to resume the next steps of my process. There were things I needed to learn this Summer, and though Summer isn't over I am ready and expectant for the Fall.

Water

My friend murat got me thinking about water, and this got me thinking about my own experiences with water.

I've never really learned how to swim, I can float some, and tread water, but I'm not fluid within the waters be they river, lake, or ocean. I've gotten much better as my children truly enjoy the water and could and do spend enormous amounts of time in it.

When a was around 4 my mom signed me up for swimming lessons and that experience was so traumatic for me that it colored how I saw and experienced water for a very long time. I appreciated the water, I found it immensely beautiful but had zero desire to immerse myself within, I was happy just to dangle my feet in. Anything more and panic would set in.

The irony of all this is I grew up in Michigan surrounded by The Great Lakes.

The Great Lakes - Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie and Ontario - are known for their beauty and the wealth of resources within and around them. The combined lakes contain one-fifth of the world's surface fresh water, and they are often referred to as the "sweetwater seas". The Great Lakes could cover the entire continental United States with over 9.5 feet of water. They are large enough to influence the regional climate, cooling summers and tempering winters, as well as increasing amounts of rain and snow in the region. A world-renowned fishery, thousands of acres of forests, major mineral and metal reserves and rich agricultural land provide a balance of economic opportunity within the basin. In addition, the lakes and their surroundings provide many recreational opportunities and an appealing place to live and work.

http://www.michigan.gov/deq/0,1607,7-135-3313_3677---,00.html

One of the beautiful aspects of parenting is when your child(ren) help you see something anew. Their love of the water helped me let go of my fears. I didn't want to keep them from enjoying something and I really didn't want my fear of water to be passed along to them; however, they couldn't go in by themselves, so we ventured into the waters together. It started with them only going in up to their necks, and then only going in up to my neck (this is still true for SweatPea), and now at least in pools Sonshsine has free reign.

So all this gets me thinking about family/community, at its best, walking together - growing together. It gets me thinking about all the leaps of faith I've made in my life. I'm not ever going to be this great swimmer, and I have no desire to be, but I am thankful for finally getting in past my knees.

Tao Te Ching:

The best are like water. Water benefits all things and does not compete with them. It flows to the lowest level that people disdain. In this it comes near to the Way.

I love this band

Bowling For Soup: The Great Burrito Extortion Case
"I'm Gay"

(This fucking song is all personality)
(Dude, that's the shit!)

Well we've all heard about
how the guys in the band
Weren't the popular kids in school
And now you hate your parents
'cause of the way you turned out
But in the end the blame's on you

And we all sympathize with your torn-apart heart
And your really artistic worldly views
It sells records when you're sad these days
It's super cool to be mad these days

I think rock and roll is really funny
when it's serious

Don't hate us 'cause we're happy
Don't hate us 'cause we're beautiful
Don't hate us if we make you smile
Or if we go the extra mile
To make someone feel better
on a really shitty day
And if you're hearing what I'm saying then
I want to hear you say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)
Say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)

Let's start a movement, let's start it right now
And if you don't know where to start
I can show you I'm your new team captain
Put your left hand over your heart
and repeat after me

It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual
It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual
Chris, Gary? You guys wanna join in?
(Yeah, buddy. Sure. Sorry Dude)
It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual
It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual
Very Nice. Very Nice.

Don't hate us 'cause we're happy
Don't hate us 'cause you're miserable
Don't hate us if we make you smile
Or if we go the extra mile
To make someone feel better on a really shitty day
And if you're hearing what I'm saying then
I want to hear you say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)
Say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)

That's right, ladies and gentleman!
Pick up the phone
'cause Bowling For Soup is on the line!
And you don't have to be sad anymore!
You don't have to be mad anymore!
We can all join hands and do ring around
the freaking rosie!
In fact, can we can get some "La la"s up in here?

It sells records when you're sad these days
It's super cool to be mad these days
I think rock and roll is really funny
When it's serious

Yo, where my "La la"s at!

La la-la la, la-la la-la
La la la la
La la-la la, la-la la-la
La la la la
La la-la la, la-la la-la
La la la la
La la-la la, la-la la-la
La la la la
La la-la la, la-la la-la

--And if you're looking for something new: The Pinker Tones

In the land of declentions

I orginially misspelled declentions as declination and I think that mental slip was probably quite accurate. My Greek study buddy is feeling the same way...so, our solution is to stick to our schedule, use the book but start incorporating reading and translating else we'll fall right into the ravine and/or never lever the author's "Fog". We also both struggle from the well, yeah I speak English but you want to to parse what?

--- Warning, you've heard this all before ---
I was reading another's blog about being overweight and the frustrations about weight and society and body image projected on women and weight loss should be about an integrated body-mind way of being and all other sorts of interesting things...then my mind wandered over and into wasn't there a time when plump meant healthy and wealthy? Wouldn't he make a great catch cause if he's plump you know he can feed you?

Now adays it seems we associate thin with successful and plump with loser...how in the world does this happen, when did this happen? Oh wait a minute...advertising...first there's the ads to come to restaurant x and try this new tasty meal deal...then there's the ads for beer...then there's the ads for erectile dysfunction junction...and then there's the ads for leaky bladders, depression, breathing...and then there's the clothing, make-up, diet ads...my head is reeling after an hour long TV show from the mixed messages.

With all that said, why do I want to exercise...because I don't like seeing my body slow down sooner then it should, I want to be walking when I'm 90 and happy to be alive at 90, I want to like my body better - I want the me within to match the me presenting, I want to feel sexy with the lights on if ya know what I mean, I want the opportunity to revel in my body like I should of when I had one in my 20s but was so lost inside had no clue that I was one sexy mamacita; I say all this as a reminder to myself for those times when all I want to do is plop. I'm not a plopper but I'm becoming one...I feel so like a broken record, but at here people can stop reading or skip to the end. The DJ keeps scracthing tired and exercise and oh pray...but the flip side is that I love my kiddos, my wife, my "church stuff", not my job-that's there so that other good things can happen in my life. I looking forward to DJ play that funky record integrated whole.

Can I pass out out yet?

Ugh, yes, yet again...I thinks it's one of those years, or maybe it's just NE. I am very tired, physically tired. I was emotionally tired too, but not so much now. Sonshine and Sweatpea were in Summer Camp together: Sweatpea loves it, Sonshine HATED it. So, now we're driving 35 minutes to one town to drop off Sonshine at his new camp (which he loves), and then driving back into our town and past our house to drop off Sweatpea at her camp, then driving back into downtown to work. Repeat above but for other parent and add 10mins to the commute to go get Sonshine. Total commute time: 1hr 30mins.

This means that I'm up at 5am so that I can walk the dogs and have 20 minutes for the Daily Office (well only the readings) and if there's any time "left over" that's my meditation time. Then it's time to get the kiddos up and moving and ready around 6am: Sonshine gets to stay in bed until 6:15-6:20am because he's all business; Sweatpea is slower then molasses and needs constant encouragement to get the lead out. Then it's get myself ready, pack my lunch sack, get dishes into or out of dish washer, get laundry out of dryer and possibly folded, get big dog into crate, and children into the car. One plus is that I'm getting quality NPR time whilst in the car.

I wish I knew how to squeeze more energized morning hours into my day; I'm a morning person...I want to read and exercise and think and pray in the morning. Evenings I want to relax and listen to my kiddos, not study, not exercise. But, ya know that work thing tends to get in the way.

Speaking of studying...I was right on track, until this last crazy week and a half. But in order to stay on track I've gotta quit with the excuses and do things in the evening I'd rather do in the morning. I actually thought about getting up at 4am, but the thought of being in bed at 8:30pm is really uncool.

And in the World of Periodontal Dentistry...I'm scheduled for a gum graft...apparently I've got recession in my mouth happening and I could wait or I can be proactive (so says P. Dentist). I'm actually pretty nervous about this cause my body can't even tolerate a splinter without instant redness and irritation - my wife is always amazed at how quickly my body reacts to anything not of itself, like earrings or nail polish or perfume. My body flat out says no way whatever were you thinking. So, I told P. Dentist no way to 'gums in a can' option, we'll use my own gums thank you very much. And none of this is cheap, every time we get ahead in the doctor visit budget bucket my mouth goes "oh really, I know exactly how you'll be spending that money te-he."

And total randomness - I really dig BostonMed, it's really well done. I love the stories, each episode(s) follows a doc or two and a nurse and some patients. Until last night all the patients had lived or had successful outcomes, last night was a brief  moment into a man dying. It left me thinking about dieing with grace. My wife looked at me and told me that she couldn't run into the room like his wife did, she culdn't be in there holding my hand and watching me die. I told her she had to be in there, and she joked that the dialog would go like this:
Me: Haaannnd...
Hospital Staff: What's she saying?
Me: Haaannnd...
Hosptal Staff: What?!
Wife: She saying hand, she wants me to hold her hand, and I'm not doing it.
Me: B***h...hold my haandd...

Enjoying Summer

So far my Summer has been wonderfully active and restful. We've been swimming fools thanks in part to the children's summer camp, and then the whole family has been enjoying our friend's pool on the weekends. We've been taking hikes, had our second family bike ride, and we went to a nearby park to play handball, a wee bit of tennis, and soccer.

We had tons of fun playing handball. We were using a kickball, because I thought the softness and size would be helpful for the kiddos. However, trying to hit a kickball hard enough with your hand to hit a wall is actually kinda hard. So we're going to look for the smaller version of the kickball, and then decide if we should buy a real handball ball if we find we're still having lots of fun.

Our next July hikes will be up the gentle side of a nearby little mountain, then off to a tourist farm/museum hike along nice flat trails with beautiful scenery.

I know this is silly but I'm so excited about having a tan...I haven't been this tan since living in Tejas. Shoot I had more color when I lived in Upstate NY. When I had my physical with the doc he suggested I start taking vitamin D, apparently adults these days are pretty deficient (turns out I am too). He said some of it is from using sun screen but mostly it's because of not enough outdoor time; and I think living in the Seattle of the NE plays a part . Getting sun is hard to get when you work inside, eat 'n sleep inside, and at most during the week get 20-30 minutes in the early morning walking the dogs, and 10 minute stretch my leg walks at lunch time.

And I now have a friend who wants to learn Biblical Greek with me! I haven't touched my BG in nearly a year. I was surprised at how much I remembered; however, I'm going to need to get serious for the next set of chapters and vocabulary. And the wife is practicing Espanol with me. My hope is that by next Summer I'll be fluent in reading and writing BG and able to read/speak/comprehend spoken Espanol :)

Inkling 13: Bearing

Inkling 13: Bearing
I sometimes "forget" to walk within the world with a pastoral bearing, I thought perhaps that was pretensious and putting the cart before the horse perhaps. So, instead I walked within the world as me. What I am realizing is that the two cannot be different, and it is okay to walk within the world as one is called so to do.

Inkling 12: Humility

Inkling 12: Humility
I am reminded that humility is not obtained by oneself, but through the giving and receiving in every shared action between people.

Thaat there's a difference between being humbled and having humility. And that I need to walk between the two.

Beautiful Weather for Camping

We had a great time in the Adirondacks. All the rain waited until after we left - sweetness! The campground was so nice and quiet since the season hasn't quite started yet. We had the whole tent portion of the campgrounds to ourseleves; So on our first day we had tons of room for dart tag and frisbee. Later on we played putt-putt and "tennis".

The next day we hiked what was supposed to be a anyone can hike this trail trail; however, that's only true if you know which trail that is. Apparently there are two ways up the small mountain we hiked. We went up the "Oh my God I'm not going back down that way" tempered with "Do you think the other trail will be this hard?" and "How could anyone think this is a anyone can hike it trail?" What we discovered on the way down is that indeed there's a gentle but steep trail up, instead we took it down. I told my wife that I don't want to hike anymore mountains no matter how little they are. Up kills me and Sonshine, and down takes out Wife and SweetPea. What I discovered is that I really like meandering trails along rivers or lakes, trails that lead me through forest or glen. But, mountains they just make me cry. Now to be fair to the mountains, I am way out of shape. The hike also made me and wife realize that I need to refocus and take better care of myself.

Later that day we drove to Lake Placid to eat a late lunch. Oh how I'd forgotten how good NY buffalo wings are...to drool for! Then we went swimming to end a very long but enjoyable day.

Our last day we tore down the tent and headed back home, sunned and rested, a little achey but good; I'd say my prayer was answered.

Vacation and a New Computer

If all goes according to the Tracking Tool the family's new desktop computer arrives today. Our current computer is limping along, even with a new bigger and better hard drive, a newly reloaded OS, and TLC from my friend Computer Geek - it just isn't happy. So we figured it was better to get another one before the current one decides to depart us for good. I bought the same brand again (the price and hardware options got me); however, if this one has the same problems and needs replacing as soon as "limping" did, then that's it - I won't buy another one of that brand.

I also got a router...(1) I've wanted to figure out how it works and now seems like a perfect opportunity, (2) I'll eventually have a laptop and will need to do this anyways, and (3) I'm hoping to keep "limping" around for another year or so.

So prayers that I don't pull out all my hair and ruin my vacation over getting hardware all working and playing nicely before Sunday.

The time of our Adirondack trip has arrived. Prayers for no rain; I can handle cloudy, even chilly, but please no rain! The Wife is really happy that I've finally agreed to go canoing. I figure if I can handle being in one of those push-pedal boat thingies then I can make the leap to a canoe. Sonshine will finally be out of his boot and in tennies, he can't run yet, but yea for more comfort and normal walking. I also told Sonshone that he could bring his nerf guns and we can shoot at soda cans and play capture the flag, his grin was awesome. [We gave up a few years back on no toy guns, and I think The Wife gave up on "you can only point your gun at the ground or the sky"] My last plan is to take my camera and Sweetpea on a couple hikes. But, my real hope for our vacation is that my spiritual well recharges, my children relax into Summer and recover from a stressful year, and that my wife finds inner peacefulness too.

I took some pictures of flowers that were growing in flower beds planted by seniors in an assisted living center while I waited to begin my pastoral visits. So, here's some glory:

Letters

I got to read my letter of recommendation. It's a beautiful, lovingly written, and thoughtful letter. This process continues to humble, but I imagine that's part of the point :) Though I have to admit my first reaction was one of doubt. My own self mirror...well...let's just say it easily magnifies the flaws, and my own inner need of perfection (it's okay to laugh here). The letter includes a piece of where her strength is a weakness, and hence my own mirror magnified this piece of the letter. But as I've reread it, left it aside, and then reread, I can only smile because they've a point.

And, it scared me that my letter of recommendation had a "flaw" in it, because shouldn't all letters of this type only reflect how awesome you are? But the letter does reflect this, and it reflects my humanity, and that's something all good priests need.

I'm Game

99 Things About Me (Everything that I have done is in bold)

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to DisneyWorld

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch-hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping.

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language--does it count if you forgot it?

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke--and won hundred bucks, singing a spanish song while very drunk

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia- Czech republic

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Got a tattoo

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

Inkling 11: Love

Inkling 11: Love
I've been struggling with the thought that love can't fix everything, I was beginning to doubt the power of love, and then I had sit down and ask myself some questions. And the word that I've fixated on is fix. I think asking love to fix something isn't in its job description; not even under unconditional. Love and Unconditional Love are about presence, and I've been re-reminded of this of late. Re-reminded that love in all of its many forms requires one to wait, not always, but at times. Love leaves doors open, it's up to the other to walk through.

Inklings on Church

Seeing as one day I hope to be a pastor, these inklings are mostly a reminder to myself.

Inkling 1: I've been thinking that all churches should have a vegetable garden and the produce should be divided so that a small portion can be used at church gatherings and all the rest be given away to soup kitchens or food pantries.

Inkling 2: Pastors and deacons should walk through and around the community in which their physical church sits at least once a week. They should know their neighbors well.

Inkling 3: Have your church host every event under the sun. Thus giving parishioners opportunities to talk about said event and/or invite people to said event. Sends message to community that your doors are open. That the church is welcoming.

Inkling 4: Liturgy is meant to be alive; every congregation should have one experimental Sunday.

Inkling 5: Someone on the church staff has to be technologically savvy and hip.

Inkling 6: I love pieces of the emergent church philosophy, but it often feels like the sole purpose is to recruit 20 and 30 somethings, and the rest of us are chopped liver. In my opinion creative, compassionate, radical hospitality church just plain gets people excited no matter what your age is.

Inkling 7: Pastors should join or form interfaith peer groups.

Inkling 8: All churches should recycle and compost, and if they have a community garden then they should use their own compost.

Inkling 9: The details really do matter.

Inkling 10: If your pastor isn't praying, modeling prayer, and talking about prayer; something is probably wrong...go hug that pastor.

Wonderfully sung

Getting Recommended

I had my last Parish Discernment Committee meeting this month. They are going to recommend me to my pastor and the vestry. This will happen once my pastor returns from sabbatical - not as soon as I would have liked but not horribly far away either - if timing works with me, then the recommendation to will be given in September. The PDC will share with me their recommendation prior to it going to the vestry, which will be really nice.

If the vestry affirms the PDC's decision, then the diocesan side of the discernment process will begin: meet the bishop, get permission to get pyche eval done, then get permission to meet with the COM (of course assuming all positives/thumbs up). This timeframe takes me into 2011, so lots of time to get my seminary applications prepared :)

Happy Earth Day

This image was on another blog...however, it is worth resharing:

As part of your Earth Day activities consider turning off the lights and TV and computer earlier today, and sit outside, breathe deeply and gaze up into the sky.

Then tomorrow if you have Netflix or some other way of watching movies instantly, watch "Food, Inc." This documentary is heart-wrenching. What we've done to farming (and to farmers) and livestock: chicken, cows, pigs, is horrific.

The Earth Day picture got the smirky laugh, but when it comes to our planet, and how we as a global humanity treat each other, Earth is stuck with Stupid. It can leave you feeling paralyzed, the destruction we've grown to see as the norm; I keep reminding myself that we can repent (turn around), we can change.

So thank you to the journalists who risk their lives, thank you to the documentarist who's passion is to tell us a truth we might otherwise turn blind eyes to, thank you to politicians who put what's right ahead of staying elected, and thank you to the everyday person who makes a decision to make the better choices with how and where they spend their money and place theirs votes.

Up!

I really like the movie Up! and I've shared that before, but it has so many layers to it. I've now seen it 3 times and could watch it 3 more; I saw it again this weekend because my wife hadn't seen it yet. There aren't many movies I could say that of (well, hmmm, actually that was before children).

But, I'm thinking of seeing if the Pastoral Care team I'm a part of would be interested in watching parts of it. There are alot of moments in the film that we could use as jumping off points. When the wife, Ellie, dies, and the husband, Carl, is now on his own. When he's being forced to move out of his own home and into a retirement/assisted living facility. The questions about what it means to have lived a fulfilled life? The guilt/regret Carl carries because he feels he didn't keep his promise to his wife.

Then there's the bonding that happens between the boy, Russell, and Carl; the two age groups I think that often feel unheard and under-valued; give meaning to each others life; they save each other literally and spiritually.

Then there's zen moments about attachment to things and realizing what really matters. Russell's capacity for love and innocence is beautiful.

I'd like to watch it again by myself and slowly.

Lists: I'm going to topple over under the weight of sticky notes

So, I've got a like too many lists running through my head. There's the moving list, the change of address list, the order to move rooms in list, the application lists, the discernment lists, the not really a list but calendar where is my head supposed to be today guide.

I've got the family traveling next weekend. Then I've got checklist with the new landlord (oh missed that list in my list above) -- hoping to get keys that day. So, that I can start moving la familia into the home.

I've got traveling to NY City for a training that I must have for the process, cause who knows when my hometown will have this training, not even slotted to happen in 2010, but maybe sometime 2011ish...so off to NY. No, there will be no fun had...6 hour drive and 2 days of 8hr training. Leave Saturday late afternoon to return to my own state oh around midnightish. So that Sunday I can continue moving.

The following weekend after NY, friends helping me and la familia move big heavy items into new home.

In the midst of this must keep key ministries moving along. End of May pass out from exhaustion.

I have one last discernment meeting (yes in May) and then I go into a holding pattern until my pastor returns. However, between now and then I plan to have as much of my applications to seminaries done as is possible while I'm in said holding pattern. I do know what the outcome of my PDC is, but until my May meeting, I am not counting my eggs.

I've also decided most brilliantly to try to relearn Spanish. I've got a couple of books I want read before September, I've essays to write, lists to maintain, and exercising to do, oh yeah and a family to hang out with, and pets to walk, and ministries I love. I think I've just encountered the rest of my life :)

Natalie Merchant on TED Talks

I've been a fan of Natalie Merchant's for years, and on TED she does a live performance well worth listening to and watching.

Enjoy:

Finding My Way Home

Last night for me was Maundy Thursday. At our church we have the meal within the nave of the church, we sit in a U-shaped formation, we eat soup and bread, some cheese and nuts. A simple meal. After the meal, and the dishes are all cleared away the service begins. At a certain point in the service as the altar is stripped down, so are the tables we just ate at. Then as the service draws closer to the end we begin to wash each others feet. It is amazingly beautiful and hard to wash another person's feet.

During the meal I was asked how the process was going for me, had it started, and I said that it was and where I was in the process and what parts were left. She asked if I had decided on a seminary and I said I was considering two, and one I had seen already and felt very drawn too. She asked where it was located, and I told her...then she said so you guys really left your hearts in Texas. My reply was, well, you know there's enough love for both places.

But, I think my southern heart hurts here alittle bit, the square peg that has managed to slip into the rectangular slot.

My family and I are moving once again within the same town we've lived in for the last 2 years. Then we'll have another move at the end of next summer (hopefully to seminary), and another move after that (first placement), and possibly another move after that. There is no place to come home to anymore except to be home where I (and the family) are at. There are no more roots just seeds, at least that's what the next 7-10 years look like. And I wonder how that will shape my children, what joys and sorrows will go with them, how that will shape how they form and maintain relationships? Perhaps the question is really my own.

My next discernment meeting is approaching, and I'm worried that my theology is too simple, but we shall see.

A blessed crucifixion and resurection to you all.

Free Association

So I got this from another blog, who got it from another, and you get the idea...

What comes to mind when:

1. Bow out :: not in my vocabulary
2. Relationships :: are very important to me, and never feel like I have enough time to honor them all well
3. Facebook :: is a great way to have an idea of what your friends are willing to shout out to the world, and I do love when people post pictures
4. Items :: create clutter and attachement, and I'm getting really tired of moving them around
5. Ours :: my children...giggles...I mean our children...well as much as any human being is able to be loved and separate at the same time
6. Sting :: used to write great music, and his songs opened up the idea in my then teenaged head that I could write songs and call it poetry
7. Hangover :: not worth it
8. Contacts :: connections, relationships, differing levels - such a separate feeling word
9. Lonely :: quietly worried about the loneliness I hear other pastors speak of
10. Seven days :: and then God rested and called it good

Life And Such

So, things continue to progress well in the land of discernment. I was asked to choose a book that was meaningful to me/had a be impact on me. It led to some very good discussion, in fact we didn't talk about the other book at all. So we'll talk about that one next time, another book, and a theological topic or two. I'm more relaxed now that I know what they're looking for discussion-wise from book sharing/reading. I definitely don't need to go in having a thesis ready :) Just (ah just) what struck me, what made me squirmy, what touched me. Which in many ways is easier, and more present.

I've managed to stick with working out. Although I did pull a muscle along my rib cage recently (I think from doing "the lawnmower"), not too badly, but enough for discomfort or pain if I over-extend my arm. So, I'm trying to convince myself that not doing a free weight routine until it heals is ok. I'm finally seeing/feeling for myself the changes in my upper body (and not just the wife saying she sees changes), that nice V-shape you get. I lost 2 inches off the hips, but well we'll leave it at but for the rest :) I guess, what's making it hard mentally for me is that my body shape is changing but I'm not losing any weight. Sigh, I know muscle weighs more then fat, but you can only say that so often.

I've been very good about getting my walking videos done. Yes, walking inside. I use two of Leslie Sansone's dvds (). Finding good exercise dvds that work for you I've found is hard. The trainer's personality has to fit, the way the exercise is presented matters, well at any rate, her dvds keep me moving. I was able to complete the 5-mile walk, but after one section of boosted walking (light jogging) that was too much for the pulled muscle so I did the alternate movements instead and that was fine.

I'm trying to figure out how to get some pilates in to target a specific problem area, but that's a time issue. Although the wife is interested in doing this workout with me so maybe it'll happen this week.

My ministry project is moving along, and "they've" been great letting "the team" know what would be useful for them. So, the core mission is intact but the rest has changed, well no, it's begun to become more defined. And "they're" defining it which is awesome, cause that means they'll get what they need from our time together. And since we've gotten more defined more people are expressing interest in joining us.

Now, if only I didn't have another move coming my way. The crazy landlord wants us to sign another year long lease but to have a 30 day no cause kick you out clause (they're trying to sell house - and that is a long story), which we aren't willing to agree to. However, they won't commit to saying they'll take it out, just that they're working on the lease. So, while they're "working" we're out looking for a new place. So, I ask for prayers and well wishes that we find a nice home with decent landlords in the same part of town so that we don't have to put our children into another school.

Reading

I'm doing lots of reading this month and next, though that's nothing new. I don't know if Rowan Williams still writes this way, but my oh my can he make a sentence last an entire paragraph. Plus his sentences are almost always miniature concepts. All this to say that I'll read his book at a certain pace, and then move onto the two books I also need to read, as well as some BCP reading. Then I will (a) sit and contemplate (b) write something out (c) contemplate some more (d) write some more to then (e) vocalize.

For me, the discernment process has moments of expand/contract, you know stretching; and then there are these moments were something within settles and takes root. For all of this it becomes so easy to get lost in the worries that come with discernment, the fears. In everything there is a lesson of self, a discovery, a reawakening, and so I re-awoke to something in myself that has always been there, but only well discovered no more believed to be true, to be rooted. And I wonder if the oscillation ever stops, maybe that is what deep prayer is for, to sooth the soul that cannot rest because it is always seeking what it knows it has lost, and can only be found in the stillness of an open heart.

Muscles and Auschwitz

So yeah, I'm getting some more muscles, and it came as quite a surprise. I was talking to someone and we were sitting down so my arm was slightly bent and I said the "and I just had to pinch myself" sentence and motion. I'm not sure the lady I was talking to registered my surprise, because internally I was surprised - there wasn't any flab to pinch! Even my triceps are getting firm.

I haven't finished the reading I need to get done, and get done soon. Instead I read Maus I and Maus II this weekend. Reading it, the way Vladek speaks reminded me alot of my own Polish grandmother. Her mother only spoke Polish, so Grandma didn't learn to speak English until 1st grade and the nuns were not gentle with her knuckles. I thought about my Grandfather who served during WWII as an infantryman and came back a different man who suffered from PTSD. I never met him - he died when my mom was nine, but my Grandma always told me how he'd have loved me and would have enjoyed my company. I know him only from a few photos, and the pieces that my mom or Grandma shared about him.

I learned that Auschwitz was in Poland, and was embarrassed that I had thought all these years that Auschwitz had been in Germany. I thought about all those who suffered, and the generations that carried a burden they could not name. I wonder about the burdens these our generations will carry from the wars, the genocides, the natural disasters as our world shrinks. What horrors do we turn blind eyes to? What ear-buds do we keep in place to avoid our own political maneuvering over healthcare, employment or lack there of, and let's not mention deficits and the children living in poverty.

I started thinking about my own history I carry, and what pieces of my parents history, and their parents history, and what pieces of my history am I handing off to my children. So, I'm glad for my new muscles, my need to keep my body healthy to keep my mind healthy, to allow my heart to be open so I carry burdens not my own until they can be let go by another.

Finally, some nice deep slow breaths

The past week has been hectic; I mean me and the fam are pretty busy but nothing like this past week, which will finally roll into normalcy on Wednesday.

But, it was also a week with moments of wow do I feel lighter. The wife and I finally feel like our children's school is finally doing things that will be helpful and positive for sonshine. Completing the GRE was another such moment. I didn't get rock star scores...I got exactly the score I needed on the verbal piece. Hopefully, I'll have the same results on the essay part as well.

Discernment is moving along. The group's dynamic was a little off, with one person unable to attend, another with a cold, and the other in a funky mood. But I did walk away with new insights, and I hope they did as well. So we'll continue to see how things go. I've got a lot of reading and exploring coming up.

My prayer life and exercise life got second fiddle (okay they got mostly put in the closet) last week. But, I did manage to get a little bit of exercise in and prayer, just not centering prayer.

Time to take those deep breaths through the nose...the kind that has you close your eyes and puff out your chest...boy do those feel good.

Dear Keeper of the Electrons

Dear Keeper,

I'm holding too many lemons this week, and there are too many important events coming up. But this is life isn't. I keep thinking things, heck life, will get easier. But that doesn't seem to be so. Oh, and I'm out of sugar, so sure I'll make lemonade, but who's going to want to drink it I wonder. Oh, other sour pusses.

Could I perhaps put tears in beers this week? I think a change would do me good. I think perhaps hanging out with folks wearing beer goggles may be just the thing I need.

Or perhaps I could do some work in the rose colored glasses fabrication plant?

No, you want me to plant lemon trees...wha...buttt...ummm...ok. I need to cultivate my lemons?? I should spend more time with my lemons!? Could I sign up for a triathlon instead? Yes, that was a joke...I shouldn't become a comedian you say. Hmmm.

The XX

Just discovered this group via NPR Music. Oh, it brings back my late teens and early twenties.

Goings On

So, in some ways there's always a ton of things going on, and in other ways not so much. Just depends on how you're tilting your head that day I guess.

I managed to avoid getting what took out the rest of my family. I don't know how, cause I always get whatever everybody else is getting. So thank you antibodies :)

My ministry project continues to move along. We're meeting tonight, and normally I'd be excited but I'm tired and running on exhaustible fumes which I have to keep replenishing with caffeine.

I've managed to stick to a pretty regular workout routine of 3 days of weights and 3 days of cardio for about 5 weeks now. Improvements, ehhh, not so sure...no real weight loss (1-2 lbs), but my traps are getting defined. It's weird that's almost always the first of my muscle groups to show signs of working out: not the arms, abs, or legs...nope my back, wish my behind would follow suit ;) I'm trying not to get discouraged, but instead focus on health benefits. I'm finally ready to increase the intensity on my cardio workout, and I've increased the weight on my dumbbells for certain exercises, I can even do 8 push-ups from the knees now. But, really deep down I was hoping for instant results...I need to quit lamenting the body I once had, and just focus on getting the one I've got into better shape. I'm not one to cut out pictures to use for visualization/motivation, but I'm even giving that a try...it did lead to an interesting conversation with the wife about why there were women's midriffs on our closet door :)

Yesterday, I priced stoles and chasubles...sooo many selections and textures! One day maybe...My step 2 continues to go well. They are an amazing bunch of folks. We meet soon. Last time was talking about my spiritual autobiography; this coming time we'll begin to discuss theology, well, what's my theology. I think I'm going to add a picture of priests to my closet door...to remind myself that it's ok to hope and believe; it's ok to allow myself to be this that I feel I am, even without the process confirming I got God's call for me right. The scariest part of discernment for ordination are these words: We do not feel you are called to ordained ministry. Where do you go from there...but really please don't respond to that question: it's rhetorical...and not something I even need to think about or entertain anymore than I already do. No, instead I'm enjoying the process, enjoying this time. Because you see, so far, the validation continues to come. But, who knows really...So we'll see.

Hospitality Music

Up!

I watched Up! with the kiddos as an after school PTO activity. It's really good...go out and rent it, and enjoy.

We do family movie night on Fridays...this week it's the new Nancy Drew, and I'm kinda excited about watching it. I liked reading Nancy Drew as a kid, so we'll see.

What I like best about our movie nights is (a) time together, (b) the discussions that usually happen afterwards, and (c) sharing movies I and or the wife watched when we were kiddos.

The kid's like movie night because they get to eat dinner in the living room while watching tv.

Enjoy your weekend.

Poem

Through the forest and into the trees
Winding round the underpinnings
What rock upholds
What water flows through the fissures

Down the stairs we go
To the stellar, the universally we
No flickering no wavering
Steady steady steady we go

Dr. Martin Luther King Poem

The poem is written by Sunshine:

"Dr. Martin Luther King"
On MLK day
I feel happy
But if it is cold
Outside
I feel
Gloomy
Why
It is MLK Day
His death was a disaster
He was a
Peaceful
Man
His death
Helped
Us
But it took
Many
Years!

Mad World

There's snow in these here parts

Yes, lots of snow, record setting amounts of it. So, the family and I stayed home. We shoveled and shoveled and shoveled, but we played games, watched a movie and watched some football. We rested. The last day of our vacation time is winding down to a few remaining hours of wakefulness.

My first week back into real time goes full throttle starting Tuesday and won't slow down until next Monday. I'm trying to take healthy mental health and physical health steps. Steps I can use for the rest of my life and into ministry (if I make it that far). One step is in beginning the exercise program; it's a 6 day-a-week program, and it's what's needed for now. Eventually, I'll taper down to 4 days a week program. I'm enjoying it, even though it kicks my behind. Prayer and learning aren't as scheduled; they need to become just is ises; I'm getting there.

Part of me dares to hope and to yearn, to trust, to believe. But, the part of me which guards my heart, the part of me that is the protector says whoa there chica, it might not happen, so don't get too trustful, don't get too hopeful. But, I think I'd like to give this part of myself a bit of a sabbatical, a well deserved rest. Time to enjoy the everyday miracles, instead of carrying around the everyday tragedies. I find myself thinking, these things will always be here, but this moment won't so look for the joy. It's time too become. 

Crocheting again

I think I've mentioned that I had vacation days I hadn't realized I had, and so with time on my hands and a new crochet book for Christmas I looked at my hundred dollar bag of yarn in which lay a begun blanket. It was sitting in such a sad state for nearly 2 years. Why? Well, because the pattern called for working with 4 skeins at a time, and it was a huge pain every time I had to turn the pattern. So I just kinda stopped. Then on Friday I gave myself permission to chuck the pattern and do what I wanted. So, now I'll sc one whole skein then when it runs out switch to the next color. I've made really good progress, I've added about 7 inches to it. When it's finished it'll be 4 or 5 feet long and about 4 feet wide.If I ever finish it, I'll post a photo or two.

And a good day it is

Yesterday was spent being lazy anticipating the Christmas pageant and then dinner and presents. Princess went from a donkey (last year) to an angel this year, wonder what next year will bring.

When we finalllyyyy (kiddos emphasis) got to opening presents, as I passed out the gifts one at a time and we wrote down who got what from whom; it really hit home what wonderful friends we have and grandparents rock. Without them the kiddos Christmas would have been much lighter shall we say, and well the wife and I as well.

This morning was spent playing games, had another warm and yummy breakfast. My breakfasts during the week are pretty boring: yogurt, oatmeal, banana, coffee, water.  I went to the Christmas day service by myself, which was a treat for all involved. The sermon was really good, and since I didn't have to worry about anyone but me, was able to let the service wash over me.

After lunch we went to the nearby park and ice skated and did some sledding. The wife has never ice skated before but she did fabulously. It's been years since, I think I was 10 the last time I put on a pair of skates. The wife laughed and said a geriatric person would move faster then me, but hey I didn't fall, and eventually picked up a smidgen more speed :) The sledding was nothing to brag about, but still fun.

Eventually, the wife and I will start cooking dinner. We went for something a wee bit different, a teryaki turkey tenderloin...it'll either suck or be yummy; cranberry sauce, rolls, cream of mushroom rice, and corn (can we say carb heaven) with key lime pie to top it off. Neither the wife nor I like cooking big turkeys, and we haven't been able to find good hams. I have to admit, I do miss a good 'ole South Texas brisket and bbq for the holidays (oh dios mios my mouth is watering thinking about it:)). Which brings me to a totally off topic topic: The Food network. They have two shows back to back, one is a black couple from Tennessee and the other is an older white woman, and they focus on well yes southern cooking. But it's not the cooking that holds me entranced, it's their accents, their heavenly and heavy use of y'all. Y'all umm, ummm, this is good y'all. Y'all now don't be afraid to xyz...y'all. I'll admit to a prejudice, I don't like yous guys or you guys, I like y'all - gender neutral, inclusive, it is y'all.

And so to y'all a good night, peace be with y'all. Amen, ya'll.

Hmmm...weight lost - if only

So, I'm going to give a fitness plan a try. Why, because I've gained more weight then is good for my frame (at 5'8" it just looks like momma's got back, and some hip). I haven't had a true exercise routine/regime since my military days. At the time I really disliked having to exercise on demand, but afterwards when I could exercise whenever I wanted for however long...I loved going to the gym. Most military gyms rock, not all, but most, and they have racquetball courts (I miss that too).

Pre-kiddos, I went to the gym 4-5 times a week, went on regular 10-15 mile hikes in the backwoods. Post-kiddos, I'm lucky if I workout 3 times a week for more then 2 weeks at a time. There's always something else that needs being done...or maybe that's just become my excuse.

Retrospect is beautiful and humbling...I didn't realize how fit I was. I was always trying to keep up with my ex-husband, and he had this way of indicating that I wasn't fit enough, not fast enough on the trails. I'll deviate a bit, and share a story about the power of shoes. Yes, the power of shoes. I had and still have this pair of shoes which originally caused me much pain. The break-in period for these hiking boots (at least for me) was about 100 miles (65 miles in Alaska didn't break them in, nor countless other 10+ hikes, nope - it was mowing the lawn in them). And after about 10 miles of hiking my feet were shot. So, when the Ex and our usual hiking companions wanted to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and then back out about a week later; I insisted on new hiking boots (I still have them too). And let me tell ya -- I kicked ass. The Ex couldn't keep up with me. My level of working out hadn't changed; all the crap I'd taken over 4 years of backcountry hikes was because of a pair of shoes. I was fit, and I didn't know it.

I can still remember what fit feels like, I have the pictures of what fit looks like, and I miss fit. I've done WW successfully, and I've incorporated most of the concepts into my eating -- I eat healthy, and have decent portion sizes, snacking kills me though; I had time to exercise (last place of employment had a nice free gym on-site). So the weight came off. But, now it's back.

The goal is to get back to the WW weight, then back to the weight I was when I was 28. If I only get to my WW goal, I could live with that. It wouldn't be go out and buy leather pants and get blue highlights reward time, more like khaki cargo pants happy. Ok, I'll admit how much I need to lose -- 55 lbs for my ultimate goal, 35 lbs for the first goal.

The routine requires 6 days of working out for about 45mins with a mixture of circuit training and cardio with a bit of ab work. There are three things that have become abundantly clear to me about what adds to my happiness of life: centering prayer, learning, and exercise. When I ignore these things, I'm grumpy and tired, more easily annoyed.

So, I'm going to try to take care of myself without feeling guilty about the time these things take away from my family with the hope that ultimately it adds to our collective happiness and good modeling.

Nearly done with the dentist...

...or perhaps it's more correct to say he's nearly finished fixing my teeth. Today we wrapped up my root canal; I was super calm and at random moments had "We wish you a Merry Christmas" running through my head then alternating to the Lord's Prayer.

I've inherited old world teeth, which was fine back in the days of awesome dental insurance. Now dental work makes the pocket book cry out in agony. Two more big ticket items, and hopefully that will be the end of my dental woes. Luckily, the school district we're in covers children who's parents have no dental insurance AND that the kiddos thus far appear to have inherited new world teeth.

It's gotten bitterly cold. Which means winter has truly begun, and warm weather won't be seen until mid-March, and unfrozen ground will begin to happen mid-May. Sigh, this winter I've told myself I will embrace outdoor activities. I've chosen two: snow shoeing and ice skating.

Also, I finally have official Step 2 start dates (drum roll please) - that's right January :) But, I'll be able to have two meetings in January which will help me throw the damn thing to the wind plan/schedule be kinda sorta maybe on track possibly.

Lastly, I realized that I was misreading a work spreadsheet and I have 5 vacations days to use or lose, so I'm using them. My hope is that I'll get a winter's hike in...but we'll see.

I should be doing something else...

Can we love who we are
It's not so easy for some
It wears lines of furrowed brow
A nagging ache expressed in time

For moments of ease
So startling then lost
Like the movements of hummingbirds
Everyone gathers and smiles

Then slight sighs and off
Into the barrens, the deserts, the
places within
Like a city overpopulated, polluted

Until a gentle tug
To return, a smile, a touch
A glimpse into possibilities
Of hope, of love, of selves

Writing to the wind

There's about 4-6 inches of snow on the ground now, with rain coming later. But, when I get home I'll get to shovel, which honestly I like doing. Pretty soon I'll be able to go snowshoeing!

My ministry contract project that I thought was fading to gray has found new life. Why? I think because we started listening to our hearts again, and you know the power of God's grace and all that.

I also found out that if I can't have a PDC meeting in December then we'd push for two meetings in January, which would keep on a 2011 track.

There are other things afoot but those shall remain private. Overall, today has been a fabulous turning of events. Isn't it so easy to be excited and anticipatory when things start to fall into place for you. Now if only I could harness that same excitement when things begin to look bleak. I do believe there's a word out there to describe that, but heck why be harsh to thy self.

And totally random, I really like Pandora Radio.

The Arrival of Snow

Winter has truly begun. The temperature has dipped, the first light snow-sleet combination has fallen and the first snow storm isn't far behind.

Joy...I hadn't nor have I spent much time thinking about this little three lettered word. I usually focus more on its longer letter relation Happiness. But, I think I like joy better. Joy seems more participatory, less a state of mind, more a state of arriving towards.

Joy is a good Advent word, and for the first time in a long, long time I really need this season. I need to be blanketed in winter, and held by Advent. I need the hope, the expectancy, the joy upon arriving at an event that has a joyous ending. At least for a wee bit, until the arrival of Lent, but really, now isn't the time for thinking upon Lent...it will come soon enough.

Tiring of the oscillation

The title really does say it all; Blog in a sentence. I got very wonderful and affirming feedback after the Advent Reflection I gave. I've noticed within myself, that I'm finding my elocution stride, my voice if you will, a steepening within. And this Sunday, I got an amazing compliment about the monthly reflections I write for a church group I lead; from a woman I don't think often gives out compliments.

Th compliments were along the lines of wonderfully reflective, open and fascinating, I make it a point to come to your forums. The other compliment came about kinda shyly, I'm not sure she had intended to share but decided she should; it went along the lines of your reflections are really deep, kind of scary really [I asked her how so]; you really give us alot to think about, way to motivate us, but to do that month after month, this must really mean something deeply to you, kinda scary.

I'm still processing, because I do try very hard to have these reflections mean something, as much for them as for myself. Sometimes, I worry because what I write doesn't always take a long time to write, maybe because I sit with those thoughts so often. Mostly thinking I don't come anywhere near what I believe I'm called to be doing and what I'm actually doing. And what do I make of being scary :)

So I have these wonderful validations and what feels like excruciatingly long periods of waiting to make forward progress: oscillation. I'm trying really hard to just be, to let go of my expectations, and trust that it'll all be ok, no matter how long it takes.

Advent Reflecting

This Sunday I led the first in a short series on Advent; my focus was Advent Traditions. I learned a thing or two about Advent and about imagery that was somewhere in my periphery but not a direct focus of thought, and prepping for this session did that for me.


I learned about Good Deeds Mangers, Advent Calendars, and The Jesse Tree. It isn't that I hadn't heard of them before, just I hadn't paid much mind to them, and to that matter to Advent.

I've been so focused on "arriving," getting to the next step, getting to the end, the finish, that I was missing opportunities. Kinda of like driving 75mph down a small state highway with lots of things to notice, but the destination becomes the focus, and the ability for awe and surprise are greatly diminished.

And so, in getting ready to lead a discussion, Advent has come alive for me. I'm excited for this time, I'm excited to know that each night I and my family will light a candle and say a short evening Advent prayer. I regained something I had lost, but hadn't even known I was yearning for this time and this space. On that note, here's my reflection of Advent that I shared with the group as they then shared their reflections.

Reflections:
I started thinking about child birth and the excitement and preparation and anticipation:
  -- There’s all these ways we count down to birth: months, trimesters, weeks, days, hours.
  -- How you have to begin to prepare your body, mind, and home.
  -- How your life is no longer your own anymore, everything changes.

Then I started to reflect on how much birth reflects becoming a member of the Body of Christ, that through Baptism everything changes and your life is no longer your own anymore.
  -- We renounce, we accept and we do this in community.
  -- We are to go out into the world as different people.

Then I started thinking about God’s love for us:
  -- How much God must love us.
  -- How much God had to trust in His creation.
  -- How much humility God must have (1) To be born and (2) To be born into poverty.

Then I started to think about hospitality:
  -- What does hospitality look like when it isn't offered (continually being turned away)?
  -- What does hospitality look like when it is offered?



Here's some Advent wreath tidbits as well:

Martin Luther had a number of ideas for things that people could do at home to teach the catechism to their children. He certainly didn’t invent the wreath itself, because that goes back to ancient Roman times, and probably even earlier. Luther may have used the wreath as a Christian-education device and thus popularized it. Luther most likely had a hand in it because the Advent wreath in its present form started in Germany as a Lutheran family custom. Wreaths didn’t become popular in churches until the middle of the twentieth century. Now they are nearly universal.


The pink candle is becoming more and more popular, but it has a strange origin. Long ago, the pope had the custom of giving someone a rose on the fourth Sunday in Lent. This led the Roman Catholic clergy to wear rose-colored vestments on that Sunday. The effect was to give some relief to the solemnity of Lent, so this was a very popular custom. Originally, Advent was a solemn fast in preparation for Christmas, so the custom was extended to the third Sunday in Advent to liven it up a little bit too. Somewhere in there the third candle of the Advent wreath turned pink. Meanwhile, Advent is no longer solemn and the pope no longer has the custom of giving out roses. It is kind of odd to think that a Methodist would put a pink candle in a Lutheran Advent wreath because the pope used to have the custom of giving out roses, but sometimes we’re a little more ecumenical than we realize!

Note: All tidbits come from the BBC

So Maybe Whining to God Works...

...I just heard good news about Step 2. If it's at all possible my P.D. lead would like us to start in early December. I'll know more either early this coming week or after the Thanksgiving holiday break.

We're not cooking a turkey this year, instead we decided on 2 Cornish hens and a small ham with the usual suspect of sides. Cooking turkeys is quite stressful, and we always end up needing to cook it longer then expected; our hope that things will go easier with the hens. I'm hoping the weekend has nice weather so we can sneak in another wonderful hike. If not, then lots of football and playing of games. We're on a Set and Banangrams kick.

We finally finished a 7 book series with the kid's and are now reading a child's version of King Arthur. It's written by the fellow who told C.S. Lewis that J.R.R. was incorrect about "The Loin, the Witch, and the Wardrobe". Also, it (King Arthur) seems to have been quite a popular version through the '50s and '60s. I didn't know this when I bought it. When I first started reading the kids were both ah mama we know this part already...hopefully we'll get to pieces they haven't seen through the Disney lens :)

Hope y'all have a good and safe Thanksgiving!

Ups and Downs and Waiting, Oh sigh the Waiting

So, I believe I've posted about making it to Step 2, and in case I didn't, well I did. But, now I'm waiting to hear when we're going to have our first meeting. I had hoped to start in November, and the odds of starting in December are right up there with hell and freezing. Sigh, I sigh alot lately in regards to this topic. Sigh, my gut had this feeling about January being the actual start date...sigh, I just didn't want it to be right. I'm still, sigh, hoping to be proven wrong.

I've decided I'm not an Advent girl, I'm an Easter girl - something about death and resurrection and transformation. Maybe it's because Easter arrives, and Advent begins, and I'm plain old tired of begins, at least for a while...it would be so very nice to have arrived.

The last time I inquired was two weeks-ish after I'd been told an email would get sent, and I'm approaching, sigh, another two weeks-ish of not hearing anything again. I have moments of complete okay-ness  and moments of complete frustration. And we all know I like to plan and formulate and sit with, and even day dream about...sometimes it stinks that you can't be a Christian by yourself.

Bads Things Are Happening In Uganda

I invite you to go to Rev. Susan Russell's blog: Inch at a Time and read what she has posted (and provided links to) about what is in the process of happening in Uganda in regards to GLBT human beings.

I did write to the Presiding Bishop, I hope that she does not remain silent much longer. Silence in this case is as good as supporting the proposed anti-gay law.

What year is it anyways

So, I'm going to attempt to chant Evening Prayer in January. I asked our church's music guru if he would let me record him chanting the service and then I would practise/learn through mimicking him, and he agreed. Then he reminded me that I should pick out what readings, collects and such I was going to use, and that's when I realised that the Liturgical Year will have changed.

There are two years you have to figure out in Lectionary and Daily Office land. Figuring out one does not assist with the other. The Lectionary has 3 years to choose from: Year A, Year B, or Year C. The Daily Office has 2 years to choose from: Year 1 or Year 2. I tried reading what the BCP says for figuring out Lectionary years and since 2010 divides evenly by 3 thought that it was Year A - wrong, it's Year C but I don't know why. Selecting the correct Daily Office year was counter-intuitive as well, but that I did get correct. So, if anyone is curious, come January we're in Episcopal Year 2, Year C. Next year I'm going to buy an Episcopal Church Year Guide Kalendar (and no Kalendar is not misspelled).

I'm excited about the doing this, I love LoVe love it when the priest chants the Words of Institution, I miss that alot. If I ever get to become a priest, I'm gonna chant, chant, chant my little heart away. For now though, I get to imagine what that might feel like one evening in January.

Veteran's Day

Going through my BCP

A prayer worth keeping in mind:

This day will not come again.
This day will never come again.
These beautiful flowers, this gentle breeze,
this sunset, this particular alchemy of nature will
never gather together again in this perfect unity.
This day on Earth shall never come again

I liked this

I think perhaps it was the song, but the imagery too...

To Borrow a Phrase

The good times are killing me...

...ever felt guilty for feeling down? So you start listing all the things you should be happy about happy for, and so you perk up but it's only momentary, and then you feel guilty only more so. Perhaps it's just a melancholy disposition, perhaps. Perhaps, it's crazy family shit that you put states between to buffer you but they still manage to find their way in into their crap and attempt to make you feel guilty for not doing x and/or y and/or z and by the way that luggage is over twenty years old, and by the way I'm not responsible for your @#$%ed decisions. Perhaps it's just life, and shouldn't you know by now how to live. Get right with God and it's all good. Only I'm not sure what I got wrong...I've never really liked that phrase...I like instead the good times are killing me.

Love Conquers Hate

Take a moment to check out:
Love Conquers Hate

CNN's "Hate Crimes Bill Goes to Obama for Signing":
Hate Crimes Bill Goes to Obama for Signing

Two Poems

Two Countries
by Naomi Shihab Nye

Skin remembers how long the years grow
when skin is not touched, a gray tunnel
of singleness, feather lost from the tail
of a bird, swirling onto a step,
swept away by someone who never saw
it was a feather. Skin ate, walked,
slept by itself, knew how to raise a
see-you-later hand. But skin felt
it was never seen, never known as
a land on the map, nose like a city,
hip like a city, gleaming dome of the mosque
and the hundred corridors of cinnamon and rope.

Skin had hope, that's what skin does.
Heals over the scarred place, makes a road.
Love means you breathe in two countries.
And skin remembers--silk, spiny grass,
deep in the pocket that is skin's secret own.
Even now, when skin is not alone,
it remembers being alone and thanks something larger
that there are travelers, that people go places
larger than themselves.


Unity
by Pablo Neruda
Translated by Clayton Eshleman

There is something dense, united, settled in the depths,
repeating its number, its identical sign.
How it is noted that stones have touched time,
in their refined matter there is an odor of age,
of water brought by the sea, from salt and sleep.

I'm encircled by a single thing, a single movement:
a mineral weight, a honeyed light
cling to the sound of the word "noche":
the tint of wheat, of ivory, of tears,
things of leather, of wood, of wool,
archaic, faded, uniform,
collect around me like walls.

I work quietly, wheeling over myself,
a crow over death, a crow in mourning.
I mediate, isolated in the spread of seasons,
centric, encircled by a silent geometry:
a partial temperature drifts down from the sky,
a distant empire of confused unities
reunites encircling me.

Absolutely Nothing of Importance To Say

Ever had a day when 'silly things' make you insanely happy? So far today, (1) dropping the car across the street to get it's inspection, (2) listening to the good half of The Psychedelic Furs 'All of This and Nothing', (3) listening to 2 U2 cds in a row, (4) yummy the first time and still yummy as left over, (5) buying freshly made dinner rolls and garlic bread sticks to go with the roasted red pepper humus tonight, (6) sharing life stories with a friend, (7) not at all concerned that no one showed up yesterday - maybe they're waiting for Tuesday's free pizza, (8) reading a translation of Dessert Father's sayings, (9) copy and paste isn't so bad really.

What's on your mind?

I'd really like to know. I'm thinking about the world and how NPR makes me so sad and listening to BBC World News only makes it worse. Then I ask myself, what are you going to do about it? How do you plan to make a difference? That's what's on my mind.

Powerful Piece of Spoken Word

Waiting

I was doing really well waiting for my upcoming meeting. But, as the date gets closer I get a little more ready to have it and move on to the next step. Some of the antsy-ness comes from the home computer blue screening - I really hope my friend can recover my data and put the PC back together again. And the wife recently lost her cell phone. So money is on my mind. And there's an up-coming dental visit in a few weeks. And the wife woke up not feeling good this morning.

Plus there's a project I've been working on and it's running into some road blocks and that has a big affect on some other things that matter alot to me.

So, I'm beginning to show signs of stress. Mostly on the inside, I can feel it working, and I don't like it. Definitely need to exercise tonight. Spend time in prayer, sit with God, and wait.

I am awful at waiting, well not always, but more often then not; though this process is teaching me much about waiting. I'm a doer, a get 'er done kinda girl. Waiting is not my natural state of being. I dislike not being able to fix things, and if I can't fix it myself, then I really like taking it to someone who can fix it, preferably now.

Waiting is teaching me to be OK when life throws me a lemon tree which hasn't born any lemons yet :)

She can sing too